The Starfish Story came to mind recently when I let someone know how much of a difference they’ve made in my life. I have been the starfish, now it is my turn to be the boy.
The Starfish Story
August 20, 2015
Personal Growth facing fear, Forgiveness, getting help, gratitude, hope 27 Comments
Exposing Skeletons in the Closet
October 22, 2014
Facing Fear, Personal Growth, Recovery, Trauma abuse survivor, childhood trauma, emotional strength, Facing Adversity, finding freedom, getting help, healing, Mental Health, personal growth, recovery, Transformation, truth 30 Comments
With Halloween around the corner, ghoulish decorations are beginning to pop up alongside gargantuan pumpkins, bumpy gourds, and colorful leaves.
A plastic skeleton swinging in the wind recently reminded me of the saying about keeping skeletons in the closet.
My closet is no stranger to skeletons. Some have represented things done to me, others symbolized things I’ve done. Shame and fear were the hinges on my closet doors. Strong and secure, they kept my secrets tucked in the dark.
Or so I thought. More
Throwing Stones
September 20, 2014
Facing Fear, Family, Personal Growth, Recovery, Trauma abuse survivor, Adrian Peterson, childhood trauma, Domestic Violence, Facing Adversity, facing fear, Forgiveness, getting help, Greg Hardy, Jon Dwyer, motherhood, NFL, Ray Rice, trauma, truth 36 Comments
It would be easy to make a poster-child of Adrian Peterson.
A powerful man hitting a defenseless child? What a lowlife, coward, and disgrace. Let’s all throw stones at him.
But wait.
What if…
What if Adrian Peterson was simply parenting the way he’d been parented.
How can we be expected to do the right thing if we’ve never been taught what the right thing is?
I am in no way condoning or excusing this behavior, nor that of any version of domestic violence.
But I believe there’s more to the story. Much more.
More
Journeys of Healing & Discovery
September 2, 2014
Personal Growth, Recovery, Trauma Blogging, emotional strength, finding freedom, getting help, gratitude, healing, Joe Pote, Lori Lara, Mental Health, personal growth, PTSD, recovery, Spiritual Journey, The Presents of Presence, Transformation, truth 41 Comments
When I started my road to recovery, I felt incredibly alone. My circle of friends at that time were not interested in things like feeling pain, speaking truth, or self-reflection. Who could blame us, really?
I had myself tightly knit with people who lived in denial, thus allowing me the freedom to do the same. I didn’t even realize the cocoon I lived in until I took several steps away. It felt natural, and safe. Little did I know just how wrong I was…
Joining the blogging community has been such a completely different experience. I’ve found so many people who are interested in growth and healing of all sorts. Some from physical issues, others from emotional, mental, or spiritual ones. My own journey of healing and recovery was catapulted with the discovery of such a rich world of genuinely caring and tremendous people.
There are several such bloggers I’d love to highlight on this ‘blog hop’ I’m on, but today I’ve narrowed it down to two, plus a thank-you for the invitation to join in The Hop.
As part of The Hop, I’ll also answer 4 burning questions at the end! 😉
The Difference Between Feeling Better and Getting Better
August 7, 2014
Facing Fear, Personal Growth, Recovery, Trauma abuse survivor, childhood trauma, emotional strength, Facing Adversity, facing fear, finding freedom, Forgiveness, getting help, gratitude, healing, Letting Go, personal growth, PTSD, recovery, Spiritual Journey, Struggle to Forgive, Suicidal, Transformation, trauma, truth, wearing masks 21 Comments
Feeling better seems to be a universal goal of humankind.
When we’re experiencing physical, emotional, or spiritual pain, the instinct to feel better can take on a life of its own. Most of us don’t even realize our subconscious is in overdrive doing whatever it takes to avoid bad feelings.
The problem is this: what makes us feel better usually isn’t what makes us get better.
Feeling Better More
Anger -Constructive or Destructive?
June 3, 2014
Facing Fear, Personal Growth, Recovery, Trauma abuse survivor, anger, childhood trauma, emotional strength, facing fear, finding freedom, getting help, gratitude, healing, personal growth, recovery, Transformation, truth 35 Comments
Anger with a D is Danger. That’s the kind of anger I used to have. The Destructive Kind.
Anger was my best friend. Always accessible and purposeful, it was my go-to response to many of life’s situations. It didn’t take much to justify unleashing on all the irritating people of the world. And those irritating people were everywhere!
Anger suited me well –I felt strong and powerful when I was angry. People kept their distance and I was safe. I got kudos growing up for being angry; as long as it wasn’t with anyone in our house! I’d come home with stories of mouthing off at teachers and be commended for it. Dad would laugh and give me the rare praise I coveted.
It wasn’t until I finally heard myself More
The Best Way Out Is Always Through
May 20, 2014
Alcoholic Parents, Facing Fear, Personal Growth, Recovery, Trauma abuse survivor, alcoholic parents, childhood trauma, emotional strength, finding freedom, getting help, healing, recovery, Robert Frost, Transformation, truth 32 Comments
Robert Frost
March 26, 1874 -January 29, 1963
I used to plead with my therapist for an easier way to process and heal my past. Feeling the feelings is really hard work, and incredibly painful. I wanted a short-cut, some magic wand to fast-forward me to the finish line. I Wish.
Turns out Robert Frost had it right all those years ago. The best way out really is through.
If we don’t feel the feelings and process them –at least enough to heal and move forward– they will continue to haunt us in hidden and mysterious ways.
I’ve learned and re-learned the frustrating truth that we can know something in our heads, but if don’t know it in our hearts it doesn’t translate to change.
Without a doubt it has to start in our heads. We need to think, consider, and chew the facts a while. But the only way I’ve seen knowledge migrate from the head to the heart is through feeling the feelings. Processing emotions like loss, anger, and truth is draining, even excruciating at times, but it’s eventually very freeing.
The most tangible way I’ve seen my life changed
From Estrangement to Reconciliation
March 12, 2014
Facing Fear, Family, My Journey with God, Personal Growth, Recovery, Trauma abuse survivor, alcoholic parents, childhood trauma, emotional strength, Facing Adversity, facing fear, finding freedom, Forgiveness, Forgiving My Father, Forgiving My Mother, getting help, healing, Mental Health, motherhood, recovery, Transformation, truth 50 Comments
Estrangement stories cross my path often lately. It’s a painful and sensitive topic, for both sides. Some people are hurting because they’ve chosen to estrange themselves, others because they don’t understand why a loved one has estranged. Still others long for the relief of estrangement, but the pain of setting that boundary is clearly too difficult.
The journey of coming to terms with why we need to estrange ourselves can be grueling, depressing, and exhausting. Desire for belonging to family is strong, and it took considerable pain – and 3 attempts – before I was finally able to definitively draw my line in the sand. More
What’s Your Triad?
February 27, 2014
Alcoholic Parents, Facing Fear, Personal Growth, Recovery abuse survivor, childhood trauma, emotional strength, facing fear, finding freedom, getting help, healing, Mental Health, personal growth, Transformation 33 Comments
There’s a pattern of dysfunction called the Triad many of us have without even realizing it. This is one of many things I learned about myself in therapy.
Triad refers to the way people Think, Feel, and Behave.
1. Self Activation -Think
This involves an action of taking care of ourselves.
2. Abandonment Feelings -Feel
This is the result of taking care of ourselves. If we have any ‘gaps’ from our childhood, they rear their ugly heads about now.
3. Acting Out – Behave
This is our reaction to the abandonment feelings.
A simple example of the triad More
How To Help Your Depressed Friend
January 23, 2014
Facing Fear, Family, Personal Growth, Recovery, Trauma abuse survivor, childhood trauma, emotional strength, facing fear, finding freedom, getting help, healing, Mental Health, recovery, Transformation 57 Comments
Friends and family were often at a loss of what to say or do around me when I was at my lowest points of depression. Though it may have come with the best intentions, people would sometimes trivialize my feelings or give me a checklist of things to do ‘move on.’ They would also suggest I be more appreciative that things weren’t worse. These responses actually worsened my state of mind. The people who helped me the most responded far differently.
The effects of depression/abuse/trauma trickle down to every layer of life. In general, depressed people have great difficulty with relationships; this includes marriage, parenting, friendship, work, and church. Those of us who have been abused have been taught that intimate relationships of all kinds, not just sexual, are dangerous. We have been deeply hurt and instinctively keep our emotional distance in order to be safe.
Speaking from experience, though, I can happily assure you change is possible. It’s because of a certain key people in my life that I’ve been able to make it this far. I’ve been on both sides of the coin –the one being helped and the one trying to help –and I wanted to share some ways I’ve learned to help.
Important Distinction
Some people respond to their depression by being very needy. This personality type needs support, but they also need firm boundaries. They need to be treated as if they are capable. Do not rescue or coddle them, as this only enables them to remain victims. It can also create caregiver burnout or resentment. Help them learn healthy independency.
Other people respond by being very self-sufficient. This personality is often very hesitant to ask for help. If they do ask, it is a sign they may be feeling accepted by you. No matter how small the request seems to you, it is probably a big step for them to ask. Help them learn healthy dependency.
Here are ways to support either type of friend:
