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Letter to My Younger Self

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theindiechicks.com

theindiechicks.com

Dear Denise,

I understand how trapped, lonely, and sad you feel right now.  Being ten years old is hard enough without the added burden of an abusive home.

Dad is a mean and angry man.  He takes it out on anyone he can overpower, and many times that ends up being you.  This isn’t your fault -it’s not because of anything you’ve done, or not done.   I know how hard you try to do the right things so he’ll say nice things to you.  I know how much it would mean to you for him to say he’s sorry for the awful things he’s done. He is supposed to take care of you, not hurt you.

Mom doesn’t protect you because she’s busy surviving him in her own way.  Unfortunately, that means she can’t let herself see what’s happening to you.  She uses the wine to escape into her fun, happy world.  It makes things easier for her, but harder for you.  I know one day you will be angry with her about this, but then More

7-State Road Trip

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Many thanks to my guest bloggers who kept things running while my husband and I were enjoying an incredible road trip on the motorcycles.I’ve missed the blogging world, and am looking forward to catching up with everyone soon.

There’s so much to say about our trip, but I’ll do that later.  Today I just wanted to share some photos -what a beautiful country I live in! More

Polished by Loss

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Grief over the loss of a loved one cuts deep to the core; sometimes there just isn’t enough time together.

My guest today, Kathryn Clarke, writes eloquently about allowing pain to polish us as we journey through grief.

Kathryn Clarke

Kathryn Clarke

Terry Tempest Williams wrote that endings are often difficult to detect.  This one, though, I saw coming. My mother’s belly enlarged as if she were pregnant, but her cheeks were sunken, her eyes glassy.  When her oncologist called me on a sunny afternoon in November and told me there was nothing more that could be done to treat her lymphoma, my voice was steady, although I found it difficult to breathe. “Yes, I know. Thank you for trying.”

Denial can be an enticing elixir, but I didn’t need to be a nurse to know my mother was dying. She had received care from the finest doctors in the finest cancer centers in the world.  And she was dying of her disease. More

Bucket List Update -One Down

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Something I listed on my Bucket List in January was to “go on a vacation or camping with all our kids.”  Well, just a few short weeks later, they told us they were planning a surprise 3-day getaway for hubby and I with them.  They let us pick a weekend and that’s as much as we were allowed to know.  I love surprises!!!  There’s been so much anticipation the last five months, but finally the big day arrived! More

How To Forgive The Unforgivable

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…and How Forgiving Brings Freedom…

The decision to forgive my dad was borne of a long labor.

Although I’d always felt and said I wanted to forgive him, I couldn’t seem to actually do it.  Maybe my mind hadn’t transferred the abuse from something to survive into something to forgive yet.

spirituallythinking.blogspot.com

spirituallythinking.blogspot.com

I’d hidden the abuse for so long, it became acceptable in its own sick way.  I compartmentalized the abuse and split my dad into two people.  There was the dad who abused me; but then there was the dad who played cards with me, taught me to fly his plane, and took me fishing.  As children, we are dependent and vulnerable; we have no choice but to find a way to accept the abuse in order to survive.

All I ever wanted was to have a happy, loving dad/daughter relationship. It took me years before I admitted to myself just how wrong and destructive his abuse was.    I wanted to forgive him, but for a long time I thought I could only forgive if I had his apology first.

Through a long, difficult journey of self-discovery and spiritual maturing, I began to realize forgiving him didn’t even involve him. More

Kinship With Cleveland

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***Caution:  There are graphic descriptions in this post.  If you are concerned about being triggered, please do not read this.***

When the news broke of the three women in Cleveland who’d been held captive for ten years, I felt a rush of sisterhood.  I was never chained in a room or beaten, so I cannot relate to these aspects of what Gina DeJesus, Michelle Knight, and Amanda Berry went through.  Their nightmare is a unique and horrific one I cannot fully fathom.  But there is much of their story I can relate to.

They have been heavy on my mind ever since the story ran, but I’ve been hesitant to write about them.   I’m aware the more ‘normal’ response is shock; but I feel this kinship instead.  I desperately want to be ‘normal,’ but my history has robbed me of many aspects of normal.  After much reflection, I sensed a calling to share my perspective in the hopes of giving every outraged person a way to use their anger for good. More

Puppy Love

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I admit it…I’m a sap when it comes to dogs, and puppies easily turn me into a babbling idiot.

We had to say goodbye to our last dog, Lady, a year ago.  I never thought I’d be without a dog, but we’ve needed this doggie break.  We’re not sure when we’ll fill the empty nest again, but…

To my great surprise and delight, our daughter and son-in-law recently adopted a dog from the pound, and now I HAVE A GRANDPUPPY!!!

Me and Jessie -My Grandpuppy!

Me and Jessie -My Grandpuppy!

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