Doubt and the tenderness of vulnerability have plagued me for weeks while working hard for a goal I’ve dreamed of for decades. I rationalized for years why I couldn’t do this. And once I started the process, I’ve thought about throwing in the towel multiple times. I just didn’t realize until this week the real reason I wanted to quit was to avoid my feelings. Avoidance is sneaky. It would be so easy, and I can find plenty of justifiable excuses. In fact, not many would question my decision to give up.
But I’ve discovered I’m willing to fight through these feelings because I have my own voice now. I want to feed my soul and be who I am called to be.
**Photo credit http://www.saryan.info**
But hearing myself requires changing the dial. Again. I didn’t realize how devious Station DAD is. I worked hard to shut that station down years ago. But the more effort I put in for myself, the louder and clearer station DAD tries coming in again. Replying with my own voice is a startling contrast to his and is invigorating me to persevere.
“If it’s hard, you’re too stupid.” I am not stupid, I’m learning.
“If you’re not the best, you’re not good enough.” I’m so good enough I’m actually good.
Dad died nearly nine years ago, but my new action woke his voice from a long slumber. By not giving up my dream, I continue to turn down his volume every day. Now that I’m more aware of whose voice is trying to deter me, I’m more determined than ever to succeed.
Changing the dial from Station DAD to Station ICAN is requiring concentration and willingness to feel hard feelings. It’s an effort every day, but I’m gaining momentum.
What about you? What dreams have you postponed or denied? How did you overcome doubt?
Apr 10, 2019 @ 10:31:19
Denise, as I read this, I started crying…for you, because you have come so very far, and for me, because it triggered so much and made me realize a few things I hadn’t thought of before. The line: “…the real reason I wanted to quit was to avoid my feelings,” hit me like a ton of bricks. I finally became conscious of what I have been doing all these years, and all the reasons were actually excuses to avoid pain, rejection, heartache and so much more.
I’m so glad you are able to see and comprehend how this impacted you. I’m also thankful to you for sharing, as it has helped me tremendously to begin to face my fears and thereby overcome them!
Blessings~💖
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Apr 10, 2019 @ 10:53:37
Wow, Robbie!! Thank you so much for sharing that with me. It really touches me deeply. Isn’t it interesting how we can see ourselves in others…it always fascinates me how we are created to be in relationship, and this is part of the bounty of that. I hope you will share your journey with me as you bravely face your fears. xoxo
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Apr 11, 2019 @ 14:57:34
I know what you mean, it is so fascinating to me, too!
If I ever really get started, I will. xoxoxo
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Mar 27, 2019 @ 04:23:05
Just writing about the voice that you need to shut out makes the process powerful and doable. I think writing helped me do that. I began to teach writing classes over two decades ago, and the more I encouraged my students to write what was in their hearts (and thus I wrote that also), the more my OWN VOICE could be heard and I debunked the negative ones I’d grown up with. Hope you’re doing well!
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Apr 10, 2019 @ 11:07:28
Very true! I am sure your students would agree ❤
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Mar 13, 2019 @ 02:27:28
Changing the dial is hard! But I know you can not only change it, but you can sing long and loud with the new station. 🙂 It’s tough to overcome those limiting beliefs, esp. when they’re planted by someone else. But look at how far you’ve come so far. Keep going!
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Mar 13, 2019 @ 08:17:14
Thanks Kate !! I appreciate your support and encouragement !!!
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Feb 23, 2019 @ 04:41:21
Doubt – an ex told me I’d never publish. Well, I did (it was self-publish, but I did it). Doubt – I’d never be able to get a degree. Well, I’m doing it. Better late than never – I’ll graduate in May with an AAS. We talk ourselves out of stuff, but best to push through and at least try.
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Feb 23, 2019 @ 16:31:15
You are so awesome Karen! I love having your book of poems on my shelf 🙂 And I can’t wait to celebrate you and your AAS !!!!
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Feb 22, 2019 @ 14:46:23
You’re amazing, and I’ve believed in you since I first met you. You’re bright in so many ways that it shines out of you. I have no doubt you can do anything you set your mind and heart to do. Life and accomplishments are always another decision to keep on working at them every day…and so worthwhile!
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Feb 22, 2019 @ 21:22:20
Hi Sheri!!
You are so sweet! Thank you for your support and encouragement! You are so generous and thoughtful ❤️
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Feb 23, 2019 @ 15:57:06
Just calling it as I see it Denise. 🙂
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Feb 23, 2019 @ 16:30:00
❤
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Feb 22, 2019 @ 10:39:33
Your voice is stronger than his, Denise. I’m reminded of the line from Talladega Nights “If you’re not first, you’re last.” The protagonist spends a lifetime overcoming the negativity of that advice from his derelict father.
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Feb 22, 2019 @ 11:40:38
Thanks Elizabeth!
I haven’t seen that movie but that is definitely a familiar refrain. Thanks for mentioning it.
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Feb 22, 2019 @ 09:17:59
It’s so good to hear from you again!. You’ve been on my mind recently. “How do you overcome doubt?”…I hope I figure that out. Soon. Still working on it.
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Feb 22, 2019 @ 09:29:50
Hi Esther!!
It’s definitely a process!!
I think you have tackled it more than you give yourself credit for 😉
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Feb 22, 2019 @ 07:37:35
Denise, This is so powerful!
>
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Feb 22, 2019 @ 08:40:06
Thanks Sheri!
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