I’m in awe of a recent experience that brought my classwork alive.
The week before Thanksgiving, a speaker in my class was discussing how children deal with trauma. She was explaining how the brain works and what needs to happen for them to process trauma. It was a lot of interesting theory. Until she said something that really hit home.
“Children need to tell the trauma story over and over and over. This is how they metabolize, process, and heal from it.”
One of my most traumatic stories is one that still has an emotional life of its own. Every time I think about, talk about, or write about this event, the feelings are still incredibly raw. I thought about how I was never allowed to tell my stories, let alone repeatedly. In fact, this story remains mostly untold.
Contrast that with a recent opportunity I had to see how the healthy version of this process works in real time. My almost 3-year old grandson is allergic to soy. When we hosted Thanksgiving dinner I read and reread labels and made sure he knew what foods he could not have. I was diligent about everything, except for the frosting I made for the kids to decorate cookies with. Shortening has soy. Not just a little soy. It’s the first ingredient. I didn’t remember this until after he’d already eaten one of the frosted cookies.
I admitted my mistake to my grandson and daughter, and we all prepared for the dreaded side effects. He has had more than his share of medical issues, and some terrible allergy symptoms. The suspense was very stressful. For reasons unknown to us all, he ended up not having any significant physical effects. Nevertheless, he was quite distressed that Nana had fed him soy. He asked multiple times that weekend “Nana, why did you give me soy?” I repeated my apology and explanation that I forgot shortening has soy in it. My responses didn’t resolve his anxiety before they left for home Sunday. At the time, less than a week after my class, I didn’t connect the dots of what he was doing. I just thought I wasn’t giving a good enough answer.
My daughter told me he continued to ask them why Nana gave him soy once they were home, too. I drove down to visit two weeks later and it wasn’t long before he asked me “Nana, are you still sad you gave me soy?” Suddenly I realized I was a witness and participant with him healing from this traumatic experience. We talked about it some more. Later, my daughter apologized for him continuing to bring it up. But I explained what I’d learned in class and that I was excited to see how this came to life in front of my very eyes.
She expressed relief I wasn’t annoyed with him for the questions. She also reminded me that there was a time I would not have been so patient, let alone excited for such an exchange. She was right, and I imagine it is bittersweet for her. I am different with her children than I was with her. It is an area of tenderness we will need to continue working on healing between us. In the meantime, I am honored to also have practiced rupture and repair with my grandson.
This experience has fueled my passion to learn more about healing and growing.
How about you? What fuels your passion?
Dec 26, 2018 @ 10:24:29
What an incredible experience that you were able to see something like this act itself out for you. Sometimes we need that hands-on visual to really comprehend something. I’m glad your grandson didn’t end up having any side effects! Hope you had a merry Christmas!
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Dec 26, 2018 @ 15:36:03
It’s so true! Life is the best teacher of all, if we just pay attention LOL
Happy New Year Kate!!
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Dec 16, 2018 @ 11:33:58
What a wonderful opportunity to see healing in action, and to be a part of it. Thank you Denise for sharing the wisdom 💛
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Dec 16, 2018 @ 14:30:21
Thanks Val!
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Dec 16, 2018 @ 08:45:17
Wow, that’s really insightful! I know this must have been traumatizing for both of you!
Denise, this also helps me to understand a few things about myself, too. I have suffered through many traumatic, life-altering experiences that I couldn’t talk about for years. Now, my family can’t stand for me to talk about it and are constantly asking me why, when something triggers a memory, I don’t just drop it or keep quiet. It helps to know that it is part of the healing process.
Thank you for sharing this. I am glad your grandson suffered no ill effects!
Hugs~
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Dec 16, 2018 @ 09:55:56
Yes yes yes!! That is exactly it! Your story needs to have its voice and only then can it quiet down. It does seem counter-intuitive but it is so true! ❤
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Dec 27, 2018 @ 09:45:43
Denise, I’m sorry it took so long for me to reply.
It’s strange how the whole phenomenon plays out, as to what works and what doesn’t and so sad that others don’t understand the needs.
Hugs and blessings, to you my friend!! 🤗💖
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Dec 16, 2018 @ 08:08:34
Amazing how we can grow right alongside younger ones. To me, these are meaningful experiences, Denise. Good to know what you learned in class. Thank you for sharing!
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Dec 16, 2018 @ 08:10:55
Thanks Eric! Isn’t just so awesome how that happens? I am sad to say that at one point his repetition would have irritated me and we would have missed this beautiful opportunity!
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Dec 16, 2018 @ 07:50:29
Humans make mistakes! I avoid soy where I can and use coconut oil instead of Crisco. I’m glad you worked it out. I’m sure he knows you are a very loving Grandma!!
Merry Christmas, Denise!!!
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Dec 16, 2018 @ 08:09:32
Thanks Susie! Oh yes, life’s definitely full of mistakes 🙂 Merry Christmas to you and your family!
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Dec 16, 2018 @ 07:42:59
That’s a great illustration. There are so many stories unsaid in my family. Can people process them without saying them out loud?
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Dec 16, 2018 @ 08:11:50
That’s a great question!! I’ll have to think on that, and ask my instructor what she thinks next time I have her in my class.
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Dec 16, 2018 @ 08:17:29
Thanks. I have a lot of good sensitivities, including soy. Unfortunately, it means making almost everything from scratch. I can’t eat gluten, which is in almost all processed foods, often disguised as something else. It’s very frustrating. Good luck dealing with that. And good job working on your relationship with your daughter. That is often a rather difficult task, but worthwhile. There is a relationship with one daughter that I’ve been trying to heal for 2 years now. It’s getting better….,
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Dec 16, 2018 @ 09:54:26
Thank you! Relationships are hard work, but so wonderful!
I also have gluten intolerance. It is challenging to avoid.
I’m happy your mother daughter relationship is getting better. That is so great!
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Dec 16, 2018 @ 09:56:21
My husband and I bought a camper so that we can still travel and I can take all my special food with us, since restaurant eating outside the big city is so hard. And the best if all— we take our dogs and cats with us now when we travel!
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Dec 16, 2018 @ 09:57:47
That is what hubby and I want to do someday!! That sounds so fun! And less stressful taking your own food! We do that on the motorcycles too. I bet your cats and dogs love the adventures!
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Dec 16, 2018 @ 09:59:51
I’ll yes, we all love staying together for our adventures! The cats really like it, oddly enough. The dogs, too!
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