You tried to tell me it was all in my head
He couldn’t have abused me you said
Because with him you never left me alone
Even when to Anchorage or Portland you’d flown?
Ceramics night had a steep price
My childhood was the sacrifice
You thought twice weekly card parties didn’t matter?
But my innocence he did shatter
When you finally accepted my truth
It was many years after the death of my youth
I purposely haven’t told you the full story
Some things are just too gory
But what a relief to finally have you believe
After so many years I had to solitarily grieve
Without your apology I still struggle to fully forgive you
Because unwelcome but deep resentment did imbrue
To give full pardon is what I want
Its absence my heart does haunt
How has forgiveness, or the lack of it, affected you?
Nov 16, 2018 @ 04:20:37
Love seeing you work through your pain, Denise. This is a lovely poem. Hugs. 🙂
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Nov 16, 2018 @ 06:04:32
Thanks Kate!!
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Nov 07, 2018 @ 07:32:38
Wow, this articulates your pain and feelings so beautifully in this poem. It must feel so incredibly hard when the person we love, who is supposed to protect us, fails so miserably. Betrayal on such a deep level. And then later, to not acknowledge by asking for forgiveness. Sadly, your mom may not have the emotional maturity to ever do that. Thankfully, you have far surpassed your parents in emotional and spiritual maturity. God is the amazing healer. I don’t pretend to know His plans for you but I pray either God allows your Mom to apologize, or God gives you the forgiveness and peace you need. Hugs my friend!
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Nov 07, 2018 @ 10:02:34
Hi Katia! Thank you so much for your kind and wise words. I agree with you about the emotional maturity for my Mom. I don’t think it is her intention to continue hurting me by not apologizing…but somehow I remain somewhat stuck there. Peace and forgiveness to a degree comes in waves, followed by more areas to work through. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts, you have touched my heart today!
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Nov 06, 2018 @ 08:24:16
I loved seeing your name again. You make me feel like it’s okay to be “in the process”. Everyone/thing you hear/read tells us we should forgive. Rightly so, I know. Yes, it would help my healing process. I too, struggle with my mother.
(she and my two sisters cut me out of the family 14 years ago). No matter how many times I reach out, there is no response. none. So while, I have done the work and have worked through forgiveness and acceptance….when I fell ill or when our boys got married or when each of the grands has come into our lives, that scar re-opens a bit, it is rough and raw and I secretly have hope again……….then I once again, begin to work a bit more through the layers of forgiving and healing and moving on. I honestly wish there was a resolution. I am rather tired of the process. For me, it seems to be a bit here and a bit there. It must be extremely painful and exhausting for you to walk through this daily. Please know that I wholeheartedly appreciate you sharing. You are one brave girl to offer us light through your writing. I am in your corner. My hand is on your shoulder. Sending your beautiful light right back to you. I choose to believe there is an abundance of healing in this universe. There is plenty for all of us. Hugs, Daleen
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Nov 06, 2018 @ 17:04:17
I am nearly speechless with awe and appreciation Daleen! Thank you so much for your support and understanding and honesty!! It does get so tiresome to have people decide when we ‘should’ be done with this process. As if we enjoy dragging it out. I am in your corner, too. It is so good to have each other’s backs. Hugs back to you my friend. xoxo
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Nov 05, 2018 @ 17:47:11
Thank you as always for your vulnerability. God is using you!
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Nov 06, 2018 @ 17:01:53
Thank you Kathy!!! Such a journey we are all on…
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Nov 05, 2018 @ 05:35:17
My heart goes out to you Denise. I have struggled with my Mother relationship in a different way. My first blog (motherwhisperers.com) was a way for me to work through the complexity and pain. I did it for 3 years and then closed it down when I found forgiveness for her.
We love them, but when they let us down so deeply it is a wound in our heart. It takes courage to face this… and lots of self compassion, as you come to terms with how this has impacted your life and relationships. Psychotherapy helped me so much in my own healing journey. Sending understanding and love your way. You are not alone. 💕
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Nov 05, 2018 @ 14:08:26
Thank you so much! You truly ‘get it’ and it is so nice to hear your empathy and compassion. I appreciate that so much! It really does take time, and it comes in agonizingly slow layers. Making progress. I am very happy for you that you found your way through this maze. Thanks again for reaching out, it really means a lot to me!!!
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Nov 04, 2018 @ 06:17:44
Glad to see you again, Denise. Writing helps me, somewhat. I still have nightmares about my first ex – he was the worst. But I do have my “now” with my family. It’s hard to forgive such horrible things. And yes, I work on it year after year.
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Nov 04, 2018 @ 09:50:10
Hi Karen, I think the ghosts of the past will linger, to different degrees, forever. And the work of forgiveness seems to take just as long. I’m glad you have your “now” too. It makes such a difference.
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Nov 03, 2018 @ 13:35:58
Forgiveness is incredibly difficult to muster and grant. But it does help healing. For me it’s now all about moving forward; onward into a promising and thus far fulfilling life. Having not forgiven, I’d be stuck in a space that I have no desire in which to live. Hopeful that you are moving forward as well.
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Nov 04, 2018 @ 10:04:23
Hi Eric, definitely agree on all of that. There are so many layers for me…and since my Mom is still living, and chooses not to acknowledge or apologize -I think I am stuck Hoping She Will Apologize. I also think that hope keeps me stuck from full forgiveness. I have forgiven to a certain level, but there is more left. I hope to one day be able to fully let go and be free of it.
thanks for sharing your experience, I’m glad you found your way.
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Nov 04, 2018 @ 11:20:22
Yes, it’s hard but it can be equal rewarding.
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Nov 04, 2018 @ 14:21:45
Very true!! 😉
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Nov 03, 2018 @ 13:17:26
Beautiful and painful
I’m so glad you’re writing again ❤️
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Nov 04, 2018 @ 09:55:51
Thank you, Sheri! I’m getting inspired again from the class!
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Nov 03, 2018 @ 12:23:59
Denise!!! I’m so glad to see you back!!
I, too, struggle where my mom is concerned, both for what she allowed and for what she did. I don’t know which way was the harder when she was alive or now that she’s passed away. The only thing I know for sure is I kept my mouth shout way more often than I should have.
I have found forgiveness comes in layers, too. I have also discovered, that in the cases where I truly was able to forgive, a weight was lifted from me. The person(s) never knew, but I did.
Welcome back.
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Nov 04, 2018 @ 09:58:01
Hi Robbie! I look forward to the day when that weight is lifted. I thought I had fully forgiven her, but then some more layers were exposed to me and now I have more layers of forgiveness correlating to that grief. Sigh.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. It is always good to hear from you. xo
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Nov 04, 2018 @ 16:56:25
Oh, Denise. I’m so sorry. I know the feeling.
I will continue praying for you.
I am so glad to hear from you!!
I’m happy you are back, too!
Blessings and hugs~xoxo💖
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Nov 05, 2018 @ 14:05:34
Thank you, same to you!!!! ❤
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Nov 05, 2018 @ 16:49:06
💖🙏
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Nov 03, 2018 @ 10:35:32
Beautifully expressed — I’ve noticed for myself that just in the writing process, healing is possible. I hope in writing this you are able to lay down the pains and wrongs of your past, dashed hopes for your present, and fully embrace the beautiful Life you still have in front of you :)) (It’s what I hope for myself, too!) Best to you! Dawn
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Nov 03, 2018 @ 10:50:57
Hi Dawn, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. Writing is definitely a healing outlet for me too, though not fully. I think there will always remain some pain and resentment because she has chosen to not embrace the opportunity she has to apologize and take some responsibility so we can heal together. It would be such a gift to us both. It is complicated… I wish you all the best in your journey as well…horses (and for me, dogs) are a delightful part of healing and connecting in deep ways. Hugs to you…
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Nov 03, 2018 @ 11:02:51
Thank you! Hugs back :)) :)) I often think, when my last breath is taken, what regrets might I have? Did I live my Life to the fullest? What opportunities did I waste? When I discipline my thoughts to focus on seizing my opportunities, rather than my hurts, I seem to be the happiest. I have been enjoying the writings of Neville Goddard recently (you can search him in “tags” in your Reader) reminding me to feel the way I would feel if my Life were what I want it to be . . . and that “feeling” (energetic shift to contentment) changes the energy, and creates/manifests what I’m hoping for, into reality. Pretty cool, and it’s produced tangible, comforting results for me :)) Best to you!
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Nov 03, 2018 @ 11:10:22
That mindset sounds similar to what I’ve heard of Byron Katie, though I have not looked into it much myself. I think there is much to be said about working on our thought processes to help move along, but I also think it’s important to allow ourselves to continue grieving. I guess it’s all about balance, which for me is a continual struggle.
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Nov 03, 2018 @ 10:06:51
I struggle with issues related to my mother too, regarding her own treatment of me growing up. I also cannot forgive because she will neither acknowledge nor apologize and continues many problematic behaviors towards me to this day. These issues often rise up again as our parents reach the end phase of their lives and we realize, “Oh, they are getting away with it, without any sort of acknowledgement of what they did.”
I understand completely how you feel and how frustrating and painful it is for you. Much love to you.
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Nov 03, 2018 @ 10:46:14
Oh Cindy…your words are balm to my soul. Thank you so much! Doesn’t it get tiring when people are so invested in telling us how much better we will feel if we’d just forgive and move on. Like there is a magic switch to do that. You hit the nail on the head about lack of acknowledgement and apology. That is the thing that trips me up the most. She says she believes me, but nothing about personal responsibility or apology. That is salt in the wound sometimes. I have forgiven in some layers but there are those thick layers left. I appreciate your willingness to share your heartache about this with me. It means a lot. I wish you healing and comfort about these things too. Much love, back at you. xoxo
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Nov 03, 2018 @ 09:30:58
Denise, it is so good to hear from you again and so sad to hear that lack of forgiveness is still an issue. I am just now going through something I never expected and lack of forgiveness is a large part of the problem. I think I’m finding my way through it but it has been painful and exhausting. I can only imagine what a lifetime of this feeling must be like.
BTW, I just returned from a week with my daughter north of Seattle and I thought of you, wondered how you were doing. I’m glad you are writing again.
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Nov 03, 2018 @ 10:01:09
Hi Esther! Thanks for reaching out! I have my ups and downs. Forgiveness in layers. Yes, it is a lifetime of working on it…
I hope we can get together again next time you are in the area! I really enjoyed our visit that time.
I’m sad you are dealing with something difficult, but happy you are finding your way. Big hugs to you!!
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Nov 03, 2018 @ 09:20:50
Giving you a big hug. I totally understand. 😦
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Nov 03, 2018 @ 10:03:18
Thank you…perfect words. xoxo
I saw on your blog you have been very busy!! Hope all is well.
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Nov 03, 2018 @ 13:35:08
Better. I’ll never be the same, and I know you can understand that. There is a before with innocence, and and after that has to pick up all the pieces and survive. So much I still can’t say publicly.
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Nov 04, 2018 @ 10:00:39
Yes, exactly. “Pick up the pieces and survive.” That so describes it. Processing, grieving, letting go. All part of surviving. And all in its own time. I hope you have someone trustworthy to tell these things to since you can’t on the blog. It helps so much to be heard. Hugs to you my friend.
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Nov 04, 2018 @ 18:38:05
I have a great therapist and a couple of friends who experienced the same exact cheating and abandonment and it’s almost like we were married to the same man! So odd, lots of lessons to be learned. Take care!!!
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Nov 05, 2018 @ 14:06:36
Very healing to have people who “get it”, and a good therapist is truly a gift!! I’m glad you have such a strong support system.
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