Several months ago, a very cherished friendship ended.

I’ve been grieving the loss ever since, but today I’m really missing her.

Even though it was me who said I couldn’t continue the friendship, I am heartbroken about the loss.  Ending it was the only way I could think to stop the cycle of pain we were inflicting on ourselves.

We each have our own difficult histories and resulting issues, but over the years we always found a way to work through the really tough times when our issues collided.  Unfortunately, there came a time when something so big happened we just never got past it.  The big thing we never recovered from clouded everything going forward.  Though we tried to find our way back, the friendship continued to decline to what seemed to me a point of no return.

So now I ask myself, what do I do?

When a certain song on Pandora catches me off guard and turns me into a puddle because it reminds me of the old friendship –before things starting heading south.

When I drive through her town and my heart turns inside out because after all these months the loss is still physically painful.

When I’m having an especially hard time, and I want to pick up the phone and tell my friend everything and be comforted, then remember I can’t because we had one too many hard times of our own.

When I wonder does she miss me, or is she relieved I ended it.

When I think about how hard we worked to make the friendship a priority, to be vulnerable and honest with each other, to know each other almost better than we know ourselves, yet it wasn’t enough to conquer the trauma/pain we each brought to the table.

 

Some days I rejoice for the years of having the best adulthood friend I’ve ever had.

But today I am reminded how powerful trauma is, and I grieve that it cost us our friendship.  I am sad. Very sad.

What about you? How is your BF friendship?