Over the years, I’ve heard several women say they had no intention of babysitting if they had grand kids, or even if they already had them. I was mystified. I couldn’t imagine feeling that way, and assumed if I had grand kids wild horses couldn’t keep me away.
Then I had grand kids.
While it’s true that wild horses can’t keep me away and I do babysit every chance I get…I think I now understand why some people avoid their grand babies and choose not to babysit.
The first few months after our first grandson was born in January was such a confusing mix of joy and pain. I couldn’t understand why I felt so much pain and sorrow when I was so excited and happy.
Sometimes I would cry while driving down to Portland to see Lucas. Sometimes I would cry while I was holding him. My daughter would ask me if I was okay, and I would say they were ‘happy tears’. And often times they were. Holding a grandchild is an honor and a miracle. It’s hard to explain how powerful the joy and wonder is having a grand baby. No one could have prepared me for the delight.
Nor the pain.
As I delved into what was bringing on the pain, it became evident to me I was still grieving not having a mom there for me as a child, or to help me when I had my own babies. I’ve spent so much time and energy processing grief and anger about my dad, I left too many unprocessed emotions about my mom.
Once I could name the source of pain it began to decrease and the joy began to increase. It was a beautiful and powerful transformation.
In the early weeks, it was probably a ratio of 40% joy and 60% pain. It was very difficult. I didn’t like feeling the pain, and that’s when it occurred to me how natural it would be to start avoiding contact. But as I’ve continued to spend time with both babies, and make a renewed focus on processing emotions about my mom the ratio has changed to 100% joy.
I’m still working on my emotions about my mom, but they are no longer being projected onto these beautiful babies. And now I can enjoy my relationships with them without the burden of my “mom issues”getting in the way.
The experience has once again validated my conviction that unprocessed emotions have a life of their own. When I’m asked “can’t you just forget about all that negative stuff and move on?” I am more convinced than ever the answer is a resounding “no”.
How about you? How have you experienced a reaction to something or someone you weren’t expecting?
Dec 07, 2016 @ 11:50:58
Thanks for putting it out there. I’m not a grandmother yet, but may be some day. With 4 kids, the odds are in favor of grandchildren. I had very distant relationships with my grandmothers, and my grandfathers were dead. Thanks for the heads up that this could be difficult. My mother and mother-in-law were never babysitters and barely know my children. So grandparenting is an fully unplowed field, I thought. Looks like that isn’t true. It could be a minefield. Good to know.
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Oct 19, 2016 @ 16:40:57
Denise, you have come such a long way with your growth and healing. I know exactly what you mean. While my mom was alive when my kids were born, she’s gone now, and her absence from our lives is weird, and very sad. I really appreciate this post, even though I’m not a grandma (yet), I think you speak to all of us on similar levels.
Good to see you back!!
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Oct 20, 2016 @ 07:54:41
Hi Kate, we are on interesting journeys aren’t we?
I’m sorry for your loss and the new grieving you’re going through.
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Oct 18, 2016 @ 14:13:06
❤ Thanks for sharing! I'm so glad it's 100% joy now!
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Oct 17, 2016 @ 19:14:32
Wow, what an insight. I’m so happy for your self-awareness that was able to move you into a new place in all of this. And congratulations on being a grandmother!!
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Oct 18, 2016 @ 05:10:47
Thanks Allen, it was very freeing once I was able to face it head on.
Being a grandma “Nana” is such a delightful experience…I just had no idea it was so wonderful!! 🙂 Thanks!
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Oct 16, 2016 @ 11:19:26
Denise, The work you still had coming regarding you mom is proof positive for me that recovery is a continuing process. I’m continually amazed when the smallest issue can send me spinning backwards. No, I don’t run for an addiction replacement but I do have to work through whatever it is that’s bothering me and figure out why. I’m a firm beliver in the fact that we will always be recovering and not just recovered.
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Oct 18, 2016 @ 05:09:32
Yes, I think any kind of recovery is ongoing, never a past tense. It is a journey for sure!
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Oct 16, 2016 @ 03:48:03
We don’t just “get over it” so easily, or ever. I’ve got scars from my past, and you don’t just get over it. I think these scars are with us always. We don’t get over them, but, hopefully, we learn to process, accept, and move forward with happy thoughts and feelings.
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Oct 18, 2016 @ 05:08:34
I totally agree, Karen!
The more I think about people who say that to me, the more I think they are doing their best to not feel their own feelings, so I’m learning not to take it personally anymore.
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 16:53:22
Recognizing the loss and allowing yourself to be with it is powerful … and will set you free to enjoy fully the gift of a grandchild. 💕
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 17:01:41
Yes, indeed Val! Going through those awful feelings is worth it when the other side has such joy!
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 15:28:47
Kudos Denise on being willing to explore, understand and process your feelings. I agree about old feelings having great power. I find I have more capacity for joy and compassion as I face more of my pain.
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 16:59:53
Yes, that is exactly so true for me too Brad! Thanks for pointing that out. It is such a vital part of the processing – a reward!
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 17:37:31
Yay!
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 13:36:46
You’re an inspiration with how you go so deeply into your feelings and how in doing so the pain lessened. Very powerful. You asked if we’ve ever experienced reactions we weren’t expecting. Yes, and from these times I’ve learned that what I think is going to happen is not necessarily what will happen: with actions, reactions, and emotions. Very aptly pertains to something happening recently that I thought would be horribly difficult to go through only to discover that if I just take it one day at a time, it’s not so horrible. Good to see you back as always. ❤ Paulette
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 16:58:31
Hi Paulette, thanks for sharing your encouraging experience too! I’m hoping to reacquaint with my blogging friends 🙂
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 13:05:49
It is so good to hear from you again, Denise! I’ve been thinking about you lately. My own little one (I have two big grandchildren) has turned 2 and will be down here from Seattle (Lynnwood) the end of this month. You’ve given me food for thought.
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 16:57:24
Hi Esther! Thank you! I have missed the blogging world so much! Life gets awfully hectic sometimes. I’m happy you get to see your sweet little one soon!
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 12:34:09
Wow. I hadn’t considered this perspective before. Thank you for writing this. I don’t think either my mum or my partner’s mum had much support from their mums when they started their families.
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 12:41:11
It is amazing how things from so long ago can affect us now. Even when it’s something so ‘happy’. We are very complicated beings! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by.
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 12:21:38
Oh my gosh. I, too, had unsettling mixed emotions about my precious grandchildren. But until I read this amazingly insightful post, I had no idea WHY.
Today my grandchildren are all grown – one is in Harvard – and I have a 3 year old great grandson. I keep his picture as the wallpaper on my phone. I love him so, but the pain I also feel when I look at his sweet face, never made sense to me.
Wow, you have given me a lot to think about!
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 12:27:02
Ah, thank you Linda…your comment is dear to my heart.
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 12:19:41
This was amazing and so moving and important. You have remarkable insight into your own psychological dynamics which is quite impressive. I don’t know that this subject has been written about. Your post is so honest and visceral and hence so important. All we get from grandmother’s is bragging and platitudes. I am sure I will have mixed feelings when I am one and this is something I wouldn’t have been prepared for unless I had read your post. Thank you and Bravo squared!
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 12:25:53
OH, thank you Cindy! I think you are right…we are supposed to brag about how big they are, how smart they are, how talented they are, and how proud we are. But for many of us, there is much more going on too.
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