Mom moved into an assisted living facility this month. She turned 90 this year, and she’s been legally blind for several years so it’s probably overdue.
Still, it comes on the heels of me finding out I’ll be a grandma in a few short months.
I feel sandwiched in the middle of two life altering events. Mom easing into her final chapter, my grandson soon to make his debut chapter.
The timing is odd, the emotions hard to describe.
Mom and I have made our peace. Mostly. It will never be the way I want or need, but I’ve come to accept what we have. It’s more than I thought we would and I am grateful for that.
We talk on the phone about once a week. She will only allow hearing happy news; any hint of difficulty and she changes the subject. It’s hard to have true connection when things get kept on a superficial level. Yet that is what she can handle. It’s taken time to accept that our relationship will never be as deep as I’d like.
It’s been three years since we reconciled and we’ve made progress, probably as much as we ever will. I feel like we started from scratch, from a point of her knowing my truth. A relationship in its infancy, though destined to be short lived. Her move has reminded me she won’t be here forever, and the reality grieves me. When it’s time to say goodbye, I hope to hold more onto the healing and less to lingering resentment.
When I get to say hello to my grandson, though, I’ll already be in love with him. I marvel at how besotted I am over a little guy who isn’t even born yet. When I heard his strong little heartbeat at my daughter’s check-up recently, my own heart swelled with emotion. He has this Nana smitten.
I’ve envisioned the walks when I will take time to smell the roses, or enjoy the fascination of watching all the crawling ants, or lay on the grass and watch the clouds float by. I want my grandkids to feel heard, accepted, loved –nay, cherished by this Nana.
These two events feel like train tracks. Clickety-clack. Clickety-Clack. They run parallel for now, but at some point they will cross -and my heart will have opposing emotions of grief and joy. Joy will prevail, this I know for sure, and once again I am amazed at God’s timing.
How about you?
How have you dealt with conflicting emotions or life events?