Dad’s birthday is today; gone now nearly 5 years, he would be turning 92.
He hated Christmas. Apparently his birthday was forgotten every year in the midst of Christmas preparations when he was growing up. The pain of being forgotten never seemed to leave him. He would not allow us to put up a tree until his birthday had passed, and even then did so grudgingly.
I know now Dad’s Christmas experience is only a tiny window into his life story.
There was an undercurrent of anger, resentment, and pain between him and his mom to the very end of both their lives. I can understand this now, as an adult having processed childhood pain. I also have a better understanding of why he treated me the way he did -in response to unresolved anger and pain from his childhood. My grandmother was often cruel, setting the tone for the next generation.
Though many of us are preparing to celebrate the birth of Christ, I am also reminded this time of year of my Dad’s birthday. There are so many differences between my Dad and my Father.
Dad’s love was conditional.
Jesus’ love is unconditional.
Dad erupted in fury when I made a mistake.
Jesus waits patiently for me to realize the errors of my ways.
Dad criticized any opinion I had that differed from his.
Jesus graciously allows me the freedom to consider new ideas, and express the creativity He gave me.
Dad didn’t forgive, or ask for it himself.
Jesus forgives freely, and it is for this reason I am able to forgive also.
I wrote my Dad a letter about a year before he died, telling him I forgave him. Forgiving didn’t erase anything, but it began to take the power of the pain away. It also freed me up to begin forgiving myself for things I’ve said and done that I regret.
Forgiveness isn’t a magic wand, I never spoke with or saw my Dad after I wrote the letter. Sometimes forgiveness still requires boundaries for various reasons. But six years later, I know without a doubt that by taking the deliberate step of forgiving him, I freed myself from a prison of resentment. It wasn’t easy, and only came after I processed much of my pain and anger. I found forgiveness to be a journey, not an event.
My Christmas wish for those of you hurting, or who have hurt others – is to consider the gift of forgiveness. Maybe you need to forgive someone, or maybe you need to ask for it yourself. Either way, it has the potential to be life-changing.
May we all remember the greatest gift of all during this season, the gift of salvation and eternal life.
Jan 06, 2015 @ 18:00:15
Yes, there is a gift in forgiveness for both the giver and receiver. You have put it so well in this post. A blessed New Year to you!
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Dec 23, 2014 @ 06:59:07
I am so glad you moved to the healthier realm of forgiveness. May others who experienced similar pain find that peace this holiday season. Merry Christmas!
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Dec 21, 2014 @ 05:40:31
Forgiveness is very hard sometimes. But there is a moment, when you let go, that you feel the weight of the world has left. Thank you for your wonderful insight. I have someone to forgive right now, and will try to apply your words and wisdom.
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Dec 20, 2014 @ 22:38:55
Denise, I just love your heart. Thank you for sharing your story. Your message of forgiveness is SO important and inspiring. You freed yourself, allowing Jesus to heal you and fill that pain. Forgiveness is so key in recovery.
Love to you. ❤️
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Dec 20, 2014 @ 16:01:23
So important, Denise. I love the contrasts and so very true! We are so blessed to have such a wonderful Heavenly Father and Savior. Keep up the great work!
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Dec 20, 2014 @ 14:41:36
Love this entire post, especially this line: “Jesus graciously allows me the freedom to consider new ideas, and express the creativity He gave me.” Sounds like you’ve worked through a lot of difficult issues. I give you tons of credit and thank you for sharing your insights!
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Dec 20, 2014 @ 14:46:20
Thanks, Dianne. I appreciate your thoughtfulness! I hope you are enjoying the holiday season, and look forward to catching up on reading blog posts soon. I’m waaaayyyy behind!!
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Dec 20, 2014 @ 14:14:30
Reblogged. Forgiveness can be hard, but is one of the most precious things we can do as it opens up our lives to other possibilities.
For me, the most valuable book I have ever read is “Forgive your parents, heal yourself” by Gary Grosskopf (hope I got that right). After doing some of the exercises, I had vivid dreams of my dear Dad’s childhood in wartime Europe- so much fear, deprivation and sorrow. It helped me understand the constant striving, criticism and over-protection I resented so much in my earlier life.
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Dec 20, 2014 @ 14:44:39
Hi Jenny, Perspective certainly helps in the forgiveness journey. Someone once told me something that’s really stuck “Every behavior has meaning.” Doesn’t mean it’s okay, but having some understanding really does help. Thanks for the book suggestion and the reblog.
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Dec 20, 2014 @ 14:07:40
Reblogged this on jenn plays recorder.
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Dec 20, 2014 @ 11:51:01
This strikes a resonant tone with me, only it was my Mom. Then eventually my Dad, when for a season money was non-existent in our family.
I am glad you were able to forgive and move on, feeling freedom to live your life.
Merry Chrismas and God’s blessings throughout the year.
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Dec 20, 2014 @ 14:51:04
Thanks, Robbie -I’m glad you could forgive also.
Merry Christmas to you and yours….
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Dec 23, 2014 @ 12:23:11
Thanks, Denise.
God’s Blessings!
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