It would be easy to make a poster-child of Adrian Peterson.
A powerful man hitting a defenseless child? What a lowlife, coward, and disgrace. Let’s all throw stones at him.
But wait.
What if…
What if Adrian Peterson was simply parenting the way he’d been parented.
How can we be expected to do the right thing if we’ve never been taught what the right thing is?
I am in no way condoning or excusing this behavior, nor that of any version of domestic violence.
But I believe there’s more to the story. Much more.
Adrian’s mother, Bonita Peterson, explained in an interview she whipped Adrian and his siblings – as if that would settle this silly domestic violence issue.
Her quote “When you whip those you love, it’s not about abuse, but love. You want to make them understand that they did wrong.“ made my blood chill.
But, it instantly became clear to me.
She has to defend him, because if he was wrong, then so was she.
She doesn’t appear willing to consider, let alone admit, her parenting style might be have been destructive, rather than loving.
What a difference it would make if she could say “I’m sorry. I see now I was wrong.” This would give Adrian the permission he needs to say he was wrong also. He could hold his head up and discover new ways of parenting without having to alienate his parents.
The good news is, society is beginning to acknowledge domestic violence at a whole new level. Publicly.
This NFL scandal with Peterson, John Elway Jr, Ray Rice, Greg Hardy, and Jon Dwyer, is a perfect opportunity and I hope we don’t miss it.
It’s an opportunity for coaches and teachers for all ages to bring the subject to the field and classroom.
It’s an opportunity for parents to question their own parenting styles and seek professional answers.
It’s an opportunity for society to collectively say “We can do better.”
Just because “it’s always been this way” doesn’t mean it should continue this way.
Not for Adrian Peterson, and not for us.
Every single one of us has an area of our lives to evaluate and improve.
Alcohol, anger, drugs, eating disorders, emotional absence, financial woes, over-doing, parenting styles, trust issues, under-doing. The list is endless.
We can continue to throw stones at Adrian Peterson, or we can use the opportunity to look in the mirror and ask “What can I change about myself?”
How about you? What would you like to change about yourself?
Oct 05, 2014 @ 07:25:57
I love this post ~ one does not need to perpetuate the abuse suffered as a child. It is a choice to continue this in our own lives or not. I suffered abuse but I choose to not do what was done to me to my children. ♥
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Oct 05, 2014 @ 07:28:25
Those conscious decisions are possible… I hope Adrian finds a way to do so also.
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Oct 03, 2014 @ 04:17:38
When I see mean people do mean things, I always wonder what their childhood was like. I agree with you, I think much of the bullying/violence we see inflicted by adults is self-generating. What they received, they give out to others. I hope you’re right, and that the discussions crossing the country because of the NFL crises is opening up minds and hearts to healthier, more loving ways to handle conflict and stress (and discipline).
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Sep 29, 2014 @ 08:12:20
Great post, Denise.
Disciplining kids is so difficult, it’s easy to overreact. But this clearly crosses the line between harsh discipline and abuse. But, as you said, he was doing what he’d learned growing up. Hopefully these men will learn how to treat the people they “love” and teach others to do so also.
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Sep 29, 2014 @ 15:19:19
Hi Bill, thanks for sharing your thoughts on a difficult topic. I also hope he and others in his family find new ways to discipline and discover that Love isn’t about hitting.
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Sep 28, 2014 @ 20:33:13
Denise – You’ve presented an all important element for all of to remember.
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Sep 29, 2014 @ 15:16:08
Thanks, Sheri…
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Sep 28, 2014 @ 15:30:02
Many, if not most Denise, find it all too easy to pry into the lives of others, especially those people in the public spotlight or of celebrity. And while the actions of others may go against what people believe is moral or right, is becoming a judgmental society really where we want be channeling our precious time and energy? I would posit that we ought to focus on living our own, unique lives in the matter we deem most appropriate and let others be. It’s really not our business, is it?
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Sep 29, 2014 @ 15:15:19
Hi Eric, yes I agree this was clearly a case of going way over the top in discipline. My main focus was to shed some light on the why behind it and the hope that we all focus on what we can do better ourselves. Hopefully Adrian will get some professional help and truly see the family pattern has got to change.
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Sep 23, 2014 @ 10:26:01
Very well written post. You said out loud what many of us are rolling around in our heads.
When our children were little, my hands got red a few times. (I used to clap my hands behind their fannies to get their attention.) Geesh, what a dork I was. I think I was just tired and exhausted. Here’s a thought, maybe stay at home moms should consider one day out a week? just saying.
If we were all honest, we would say………….duh spanking doesn’t work.
Maybe we could all find a way to be more supportive to new parents.
What would I change?…………I am changing with my Grands. I no longer care to waste time “picking up” and making things perfect. I no longer care if the little ones have a perfect matching outfit. Grands have taught me a whole lot about being a better person.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, you always have a way of gracing us with goodness and lifting us all to a higher level.
I will come again.
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Sep 24, 2014 @ 20:06:06
Hi Daleen, it’s pretty amazing how easily we follow in our parent’s footsteps. Mine used a wooden spoon on my behind and of course I thought that was normal -until my husband said it wasn’t. A new perspective was born!
I think I will be more relaxed if I have grandkids, too. No more fussing about every little thing anymore! Sheesh what a lot of energy wasted and frustration gained!
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Sep 22, 2014 @ 15:53:08
It’s so difficult for me to reserve my anger over this situation, regardless of Adrian’s history.
I will add that some people can turn their lives around and not continue the terror, even if they were raised in a household where corporeal punishment was the norm. My mother was switched as a child, even made to choose the switch herself, and the bigger/stronger, the better because it showed her “strength” and “courage”, right? Well, she told herself she would never repeat that with her own children. She would never spank, hit, switch, raise a hand, ever. She raised 6 kids, and she didn’t hit any of us.
The difference could be not just in the household, but the environment as well. I wonder if in Adrian’s case, he didn’t have other resources to teach him otherwise. Perhaps, this is all he knew at home as well as out in his neighborhood, the streets, wherever he spent his youth. I don’t know about his childhood, but I’d be curious to learn what kind of people influenced him outside of his mother.
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Sep 22, 2014 @ 20:04:39
Hi Kate, I think your anger is totally justified. I just think a lot of people stop there, and don’t consider what might be behind his actions. Your mom’s strength and character to follow through the vow not to perpetuate hitting children is admirable. I appreciate the questions you raise about Adrian’s background and environment -they are very valid.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments.
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Sep 21, 2014 @ 06:43:27
Denise, you brought up some great issues here, and a great perspective about judging.
I forgave my father long ago, unfortunately after he died. He, too, grew up with a horrifically abusive father. It’s the way he learned to be a parent, and didn’t know any other way.
It’s always been amazing to me that we have driver’s education in high schools, but don’t have parenting education. Seems kinda crazy.
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Sep 22, 2014 @ 20:01:08
That’s something I’ve wondered about too…one of the most important skills we need, they don’t teach in school or in prenatal classes. Hmmmm
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 14:22:48
What would Ilike to change about myself? Wow! So many areas…where to begin?
I guess the one thing I find myself most often wishing for…the one thing that would help in so many personal relationship areas…
I wish I could learn to quickly assess a potentially explosive situation and be able to really see past people’s words and actions to their motives and intent…and act accordingly. Sometimes, in reading the gospels I feel almost jealous of Jesus’ ability to do this…to instantly see past the surface issues and drill down to the heart issues.
For me…I usually react to the immediate situation…say or do things I don’t really mean…realize later I misread the situation…apologize and ask for grace…
Sometimes I get it right…which is pretty cool when it happens. Too often, I get it all wrong…and only realize later.
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 15:10:19
Hi Joe, I had to smile when I read “where to begin?” because I often say the same thing! 😉
Responding, rather than reacting, is a wonderful skill to have. Jesus was the perfect model of this -as you mentioned. What a different world we’d live in if we all tried to hone that skill more.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 11:02:41
Very well said and written. I was angered a bit by the media especially when certain psychologists gave their “expert” opinion that he’s an evil grown man that knew what he was doing without consideration of the cycle of abuse. I couldn’t find the words to articulate why I was angered but here You’ve done so perfectly and hope others will use this as an opportunity to self-reflect rather than project
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 15:08:16
It remains to be seen what all of these NFL players in the spotlight of domestic violence will choose to do with their ‘opportunity’ to change.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here, I appreciate hearing from you.
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 10:30:58
Domestic violence can certainly pass through generations of the same family. I don’t believe in spanking (or any type of corporeal punishment). It seems senseless to teach children not to do something by hitting them. The only thing that teaches them is that we need to hit to get our point across. There are other forms of negative reinforcement that work much better (like taking away preferred toys, etc.). Positive reinforcement is an even more effective form of discipline. But you’re right. When one has not been taught this, they can’t be expected to know how to do it. We do what we’ve learned. So getting the word out there is for sure a benefit to everyone.
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 10:48:11
Sometimes I wonder if it’s like the chicken and egg…is it society’s tolerance level that affects the family level or is the family’s tolerance that affects society?
Either way, I’m glad to hear this topic out in public and people stop acting like it only happens rarely -and certainly not with our heroes.
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 10:30:12
My mother used physical discipline, browbeating, and shaming when I was growing up. I vowed never to use any of those on my own kids. Children need to feel safe and loved growing up; they shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around their own parents!
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 10:46:03
Hi Ruth, I think you are an exception to the rule. I also vowed not to be like my dad -and in many ways I wasn’t. But in the anger department I followed in his footsteps far too closely. I never recognized it until the mirror nearly shattered when I finally took a good look.
You are so right, children should not have to walk on eggshells. Thanks for sharing here today.
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 09:02:56
I am so on board with what you are saying, Denise. I see resistance to look at the deeper issues on the part of all parties, the violent camp and the anti-violent camp. In politics, religion, climate, global policy. Everywhere. I think the illusion is that by being adamantly, unhesitatingly angry or just indignant it gives us power or safety in dealing with the hard issue, and our “opponents.” I believe we lose none of our momentum or influlence against violence by trying to understand the real motives and variables of the issue, or by experiencing compassion for both sides, or even realizing there might not BE sides – more a continuum. I respect your willingness to see this, and guess it brings you, as it does me, a little peace about our abuse and abusers. My issues? Letting simplistic propaganda get me angry, losing my peace about stupid stuff, fear (indecision/procrastination/self-sabotage). Fabulous post lifts my heart. Diane
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 10:43:59
Hi Diane,
Once again you bring so much more to the table. The mentality of “them” vs “us” really does not get us anywhere -yet as you point out it’s an effective way of pointing the finger anywhere but ourselves.
It’s taken me a long time to understand my abusers were acting out their own issues. It helped me forgive them, but I will never condone what they did. Some may have a hard time with that distinction.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. It’s good to hear from you.
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 09:00:16
Thank you for pointing out the importance of how we are raised. My parents “whipped” or “spanked” us and I considered that, as my mother did, the option of last resort. Dad tended to spank first, didn’t usually get around to asking questions but Mom made sure you knew why you were getting spanked and truly did it with love. So of course I spanked my children when they were very young…again, only as a last resort. And then one day it occurred to me: I had worked professionally with many children and was not allowed to lay a hand on them. I had no problem establishing structure and limits to their behavior and realized if I could do it with other people’s children, I’d better figure out how to do it with my own. Now, I look back in horror at my earlier self. I cannot imagine striking any child for any reason. But I do remember when my experience told me that was OK.
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 10:41:13
Wow, what a perfect and timely example Esther.
It is amazing how perspectives can change once we’ve been exposed to a different way.
Thank you so much for sharing this story, I hope many others read it and ponder how it might apply in their own lives -even if in a very different way than spanking.
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 08:50:43
It’s a tough balance to maintain compassion when castigating a bad behavior. This important post clearly presents a bigger picture than he/she was right/wrong. And unfortunately compassion doesn’t enter into the equation of whether a law was broken, nor the rehabilitation with rare exceptions.
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 10:39:08
You make a great point, Paulette. We can’t condone the behavior, yet I think it’s important to give opportunity to make good. Rehabilitation is too rare; I wish it wasn’t so.
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 10:46:18
Absolutely, without rehab we’re down the drain. Right on.
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 08:28:04
What a fantastic way to address this, Denise. It’s been milling in my brain all week and I couldn’t have said it better myself. The fact the my son has wore #28 on his football and baseball jersey since he was a lil tyke has brought this conversation to a whole new level our house.
Hmmm…now, what would I change about me? Definitely the “over-doing” and the emotional absence that too much on my plate creates.
Always glad to read something from you. It’s made my day better already.
Michelle
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 10:37:59
Thanks, Michelle!
My son played football, too, and I watched anger issues exploding on the field and sidelines. One concern I have is that it might be too easy for society to make this be a ‘football’ or ‘NFL’ or ‘sports’ issue. I think it’s much more than that.
Thanks for adding to the conversationg, and for your encouragement!!
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 08:23:53
I do not condone this abusive behavior, but you sure put a new light on it. And I think we do need to talk about it and show how wrong it is. And for those that need help – get it!
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 10:35:51
Talking about it is such an important first step, and encouraging everyone who needs it to get help.
Thanks Karen!
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 08:22:39
Great post and reminder Denise. Yes, it’s easy to attack Adrian instead of asking what we can do better. I know that I regret the time that I reached out in anger many years ago and learned from it. And I have other areas that I’m still wanting improve as you mention. Thanks.
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Sep 20, 2014 @ 10:35:04
Hi Brad, I relate to the anger issue all too well. So thankful you and I both chose to learn and change.
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