The world lost a great man when Robin Williams took his own life this week. A genius, really. But more importantly, we lost a man in pain. Someone who decided he and his family were better off with him dead.
It is human nature to want to fill in the blanks. Why did he do it?
Does it really matter? Do we need a reason so we feel superior that we didn’t do the terrible deed?
The bottom line is: Pain is Pain.
Desperate pain results in desperate ideas and choices.
When I was suicidal, I was not capable of thinking coherently. I just wanted the pain to stop. As my emotional pain got progressively worse, my suicidal ideation followed suit. I made plans, and fantasized about the relief. I felt some control in my life; I could stop the pain. The power of this twisted logic was nearly intoxicating.
When I alluded to my potential solution in therapy, my therapist managed to chip a tiny hole in my wall of denial. She brought up the only reasons that could possibly make me reconsider. My two kids.
The wake left behind a suicide affects generations.
She told me kids who have a parent commit suicide are at a far greater risk of committing suicide themselves. I countered with the argument that my kids would be better off without the depressed mom they had. She said my suicide would damage them far more than my depression.
Though I trusted her expertise, I truly don’t think her word alone would have been enough to prevent me from following through. The realization that I had a family history of suicide to back up her claims was incredibly powerful. My great-grandfather, followed a few years later by his son, and many years later by a grandson.
Researchers at Johns Hopkins discovered children of a parent who commits suicide are 3 times more likely to commit suicide themselves. A legacy is born.
This fact is personal to me. It is one more family legacy I had to overcome. Though I ultimately made the decision not to commit suicide, the strength it took to continue on one day at a time wasn’t mine. I know God infused me with strength that can only come from Him.
Addendum paragraph added 8/17/14: It wasn’t until I got on the other side of the deepest part of my depression that I finally believed things could get better. Not miracle-cured better, but good-enough better. I have many happy days, and I enjoy life now. Even when the depression returns on occasion it is so much lighter and more tolerable than before. To hold on to the hope until that happens, though, is incredibly difficult. I had to process the emotions that caused the depression, otherwise they would have continued to keep control of me. I would not have made it if I didn’t process my emotions.
Another sobering statistic according to the CDC is that suicide takes more lives than homicide every year in the United States.
We’ve all heard the signs to look for, but the fact is most people left behind are surprised when someone commits suicide. Whether it’s because we’re in denial, or the person was adept at hiding the signs, suicide catches most people off guard.
The term “Suicide is permanent solution to a temporary problem” seems trite when you are swirling in the vortex of the ‘temporary’ problem. It often doesn’t feel temporary and unless you’ve been in that deep, dark place you can’t possibly understand why someone would consider ending their life. You don’t need to understand; just be gentle and available.
In honor of Robin Williams, the thousands of others we’ve lost to suicide, and the thousands who attempt, please consider offering a compassionate hand to someone who is hurting.
How about you? How has suicide affected you or your family?
Jan 16, 2015 @ 06:08:02
Very insightful post… Thank you for sharing your experience!
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Sep 03, 2014 @ 11:22:59
It is funny how I read this just after trying to explain a suicide by a fifteen year old boy to my eleven year old granddaughter this week end. It scared her and I felt like I was stumbling on my own words trying to ignite understanding in a decision like that by someone. I think you made me feel better.
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Sep 03, 2014 @ 21:07:37
Thank you for sharing that experience. It helps me want to continue sharing my story for that exact reason. Blessings to you and your granddaughter.
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Sep 02, 2014 @ 19:34:15
Thanks for these poignant reflections. It really is a desperate act that we cannot make sense of, and so frightens us. Your insights help to dispel some of that fear of the unknown for those who do not have this demon to battle.
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Aug 23, 2014 @ 23:24:23
No matter how much I want to deny my heritage, I’ve now traced every member of each generation since 1752. Unfortunately there’s a suicide in every generation.
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Aug 24, 2014 @ 14:06:31
That’s a very unfortunate legacy, Sheri. Breaking that cycle isn’t easy. Kudos to you for being such a staunch defender of mental health and advocacy.
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Aug 21, 2014 @ 13:47:20
A dear friend’s father committed suicide while we were in college and left a note blaming her mother (the two had separated but never divorced). Even though I was there as a shoulder to cry on, I still can’t imagine the impact such an act and declaration would have on someone—not only in the initial aftermath, but for all the years to follow.
I just hope we, as a society, can reach a point where those with mental illnesses and difficulties are treated respectfully and seriously. Their problems are just as real as those that afflict the physical body and deserve the same level of care and treatment.
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Aug 22, 2014 @ 08:51:44
It would definitely give a silver lining to a celebrity suicide if society woke up and admitted mental illness is as real and important as physical illness. Thank you for speaking up.
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Aug 19, 2014 @ 14:36:35
Once again, coffee in hand, I stop by to read a little.
Once again, I am bathed in Grace.
Thank you for sharing.
You inspire.
You give hope.
Thanks for making my world more hope filled.
I needed to hear what you had to say.
Grateful.
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Aug 22, 2014 @ 08:50:38
Thanks Daleen…I’m glad this was what you needed. Thanks for commenting, it’s always nice to hear from you.
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Aug 18, 2014 @ 09:38:10
Denise, your graceful transparency continues to amaze and inspire me.
Your willingness to be vulnerable in such deeply personal places…for the sake of ministering to others…of sharing a little hope in a world filled with darkness…
Do you know how beautiful you are? With the light of God’s glory shining out through all those little broken places?
Thank you, so much, for so openly sharing your heart!
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Aug 18, 2014 @ 20:33:31
Joe, your words “Do you know how beautiful you are? With the light of God’s glory shining out through all those little broken places?” made me cry.
You have touched me so deeply by saying so. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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Aug 19, 2014 @ 06:59:45
I appreciate you, my friend. You’re a special lady! 🙂
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Aug 18, 2014 @ 05:18:32
Suicide is so tough for many people, for different reasons. I commend you on your courage, Denise. Your conflict regarding how suicide vs a depressed mom would affect your kids is poignant.
I think divorce raises the same questions — is it better to stay in a loveless, unhappy marriage for the sake of giving the kids a two-parent family and all the benefits that go with it? Or, would divorce be a better option in the long run, despite the fact you’ll have less money, weekend/summer-shuffling, etc.?
We never know until we make the decision what would be better. Leaving the world forever, though, doesn’t allow us a do-over. I wish Robin Williams and others who chose suicide could have found peace on earth, somehow. But, I also understand that pain can be merciless, and some people just have to let go or forever drown.
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Aug 18, 2014 @ 20:32:07
Hi Kate, there are so many areas we don’t know the full story on each other. As you mention, it’s easy to assume we can apply our life experiences and situations on other people’s lives, but no matter what we just don’t know what we’d do in their shoes.
People will likely speculate for months or years about Robin’s choice, but I wish they’d spend the time and energy focusing on their family, neighbor, co-worker that’s hurting instead.
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Aug 17, 2014 @ 19:06:23
You are continually an inspiration; I’ve known people who have had family members that chose suicide and never really understood.
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Aug 18, 2014 @ 20:29:19
In one way, I think it’s good you don’t understand because it means you haven’t visited that dark awful place. The flip side of the coin is when we don’t understand something we are at risk of ignoring or dismissing it. I doubt that’s the case with you, but unfortunately it happens sometimes.
Thank you for commenting.
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Aug 19, 2014 @ 16:07:17
🙂
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Aug 17, 2014 @ 18:59:46
I had never really thought about the legacy of suicide, but it makes sense. We often talk about how divorce affects succeeding generations; I can see that suicide would have an even more profound effect, and the stats you quote back that up. I’m so very glad you did not become a statistic, Denise, and that your faith has sustained you. You are very brave.
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Aug 18, 2014 @ 20:27:44
Hi Diane, it’s uncanny how family dynamics follow the generations. Some for the better, but some definitely for the worse. In therapy circles, they call it modeling -we learn what’s been done before us. Thankfully we can also learn new ways, too. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
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Aug 17, 2014 @ 08:04:05
Denise, your courage is inspiring as always. Your insight saddens me and yet, I am beguiled by your willingness to share and to explain. My best friend at age 10’s Mom committed suicide and she was like a Mom to me and I can tell you that I’ve never gotten over it. It still, more than 30+ years later affects me. I understand. I am so grateful that you are still here with us. ♥
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Aug 17, 2014 @ 09:36:41
Thank you for sharing your experience Mifusa. It amazes me to hear first hand how that continues to affect you. It is a real-life validation to the statistics people toss around.
Your story is very important; I am emailing you privately about this.
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Aug 16, 2014 @ 14:49:03
Once again, I am humbled with your inner beauty and strength, Denise. You have overcome so much, and to not only have overcome, but now to be reaching out to those who are where you were, that speaks of a solid center, and I know from whence that comes.
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Aug 17, 2014 @ 09:33:04
Hi Elizabeth, sharing those intimate details of my journey feels incredibly vulnerable but I am compelled to because I know the power of someone letting me know I wasn’t alone. Being alone in something difficult multiplies the darkness exponentially.
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. They are precious to me.
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Aug 16, 2014 @ 13:51:59
Hi Denise, Thanks for an honest and thoughtful post on a challenging topic. I’ve been depressed and considered suicide, but more as an idea that an action I was ready to take. The legacy aspect is troubling and makes sense. I know my family has a history of drinking and depression, which seem very related to me. I’m glad you found your way back to life. blessings, Brad
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Aug 17, 2014 @ 09:31:17
That is an interesting distinction, Brad.
Suicide as an idea but not as a potential action.
I never really thought of the difference before, but I see what you mean.
Those family histories have an uncanny way of following us. I’m so glad you have found a way to stop the tide with your family history also. I appreciate your candor and tenacity.
Thanks for sharing.
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Aug 17, 2014 @ 09:52:08
Thanks for your support Denise. We all need friends along the path. 🙂 some days I do better and some worse, but overall my blogging and connecting with other bloggers has been a big help.
blessings,
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Aug 17, 2014 @ 09:56:32
I can relate to that, Brad. As someone who shuns social media, I can say I’ve been amazed and blessed by this blogging community. The connections have had a very positive impact on my healing and perspective. It escapes me how you and I connected initially, but I’m grateful for it!
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Aug 17, 2014 @ 12:04:38
I not sure either Denise, though I do remember you asking me to do a guest post. It was one of my first and only two! 🙂
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Aug 16, 2014 @ 12:46:08
I’ve written and deleted several answers. I just can’t find any adequate words.
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Aug 17, 2014 @ 09:29:11
What you said, said it all Paulette.
Thank you.
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Aug 16, 2014 @ 12:30:21
Hi Denise,
You are so inspiring, so brave, so candid and honest that I feel humbled each time I read your thoughts. You are SO right – who are we to judge why somebody is thinking of suicide or has committed it? Nobody can ever understand the pain that gnaws at the heart of a person till he/she chooses to share. I am glad you found the therapist, I am so thankful that you thought of your kids and fought your depression. May God bless you!
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Aug 17, 2014 @ 09:28:46
Thank you, Balroop, for understanding my intention to remind us all we can never know what the other person is going through. Even if he left a note, I doubt it would fully explain his frame of mind.
I am grateful to God for carrying me through those difficult times and for my therapist to speak the hard truth to me.
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Aug 16, 2014 @ 12:15:07
Denise, thank you for writing this post. Such a painful reality for so many people. I can relate to just about every side of suicide. I’ve received the call that someone was gone, I’ve felt the terror of sitting with a close loved one with freshly bandaged wrists, and I’ve faced the plans of my own demise. The suicidal mind is in pure hell.
Without God’s help, none of it can be healed. But with Him, everything can be healed. The darkness can’t stand in His light.
May God’s love flow through you, my friend. May it reach someone in need right now.
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Aug 17, 2014 @ 09:27:04
It is my hope that my story gives someone else the hope I received in my darkest times.
God is there, but I understand when people say they can’t feel Him. It is so dark and so lonely, it’s hard to feel anything good.
We must believe, and that is what faith is. Believing what we can’t see or feel.
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