Feeling better seems to be a universal goal of humankind.
When we’re experiencing physical, emotional, or spiritual pain, the instinct to feel better can take on a life of its own. Most of us don’t even realize our subconscious is in overdrive doing whatever it takes to avoid bad feelings.
The problem is this: what makes us feel better usually isn’t what makes us get better.
Feeling Better can come through a variety of panaceas; some look better than others, but they often have the same result. They are simply temporary diversions from our emotions or life situations, and often prolong the underlying issue.
Excessive work, shopping, thriftiness, eating, exercise, computer games, or TV can all provide mental escape and help us feel better –temporarily.
If your escape is work, exercise, or volunteering, people might admire how driven and dedicated you are. Alternatively, if your answer is alcohol, drugs, or gambling, there’s likely condemnation instead. I believe most forms of dysfunction come from the same place –an innate need to avoid unwanted emotions; most often some form of anxiety.
My ‘drugs of choice’ have been busyness, control, and food. Staying busy allowed me to run from my emotions for many years. I didn’t have the time or energy to feel my own emotions. It was very effective, but also destructive. Likewise, being a control freak gave me a sense of power, but was incredibly harmful to my relationships. Eating soothed my anxiety in the moment but the consequence has been a life-long struggle with my weight. Though I’ve made considerable progress, the lure of food still carries a challenge for me.
It took many years of therapy for me to recognize the disdain I had for my parent’s alcoholism wasn’t enough to protect me from creating addictive behaviors of my own. I was addicted to being busy, trying to control others, and overeating. Without realizing it, my buried emotions compelled me to behave in the very ways I despised.
Getting Better often requires feeling worse for a time and can seem counter-intuitive. Many people have told me counseling doesn’t work because they felt worse when they went. Getting better doesn’t feel better right off, and that can be discouraging. It is something like psychological chemo. We must be willing to feel worse in order to get better in the long run.
As I processed my memories and emotions, my negative behavior escalated initially. It took me time to mature and gain strength emotionally so I could handle difficult feelings without defaulting to food, controlling, or busyness.
In hindsight, I call this Cleaning Out The Mental Junk Drawer. I had to dump all the mess on the counter, sort through it, and reorganize. Initially I created a bigger mess than what was already visible, but the end result was definitely worth it. I’ve found a freedom I never knew I was missing.
How about you? How do you associate feeling better and getting better?
Aug 29, 2014 @ 18:00:27
Thanks. As I read your post of thought of the phrase “delayed gratification” and its rarity these days. Immediate gratification is so seductive,and so very dangerous.
LikeLike
Aug 18, 2014 @ 04:54:24
wow, this is wonderful i love the distinction you are talking about, it is a great way to look at it. This is a great educational tool to have. for self and others
LikeLike
Aug 16, 2014 @ 12:00:14
“We must be willing to feel worse in order to get better in the long run” – wow, Denise, what a powerful line of truth. You totally nailed the dilemma of getting better. Getting better feels so much like the same misery of an addictive life; it’s tough to tell where we are in the process.
Recovery is so much work, and because life brings us new challenges all the time, there’s an awful lot of ups and downs (even though I’d love an upward, linear line of feeling better and better). But even with the pain of recovery, it pales in comparison to the life of addiction. I thank God every single day for His grace and ongoing help in me pursuing the life He created for me.
One day at a time. One prayer at a time. One choice at a time. It’s all worth it.
Always love your posts, Denise…
LikeLike
Aug 17, 2014 @ 09:25:34
That is the crux of if, Lori…One day at a time, one prayer at a time, one choice at a time. It fits perfectly with my experience of fighting off suicidal intentions also.
Recovery is not for the faint of heart. So glad we are sisters in this together.xoxo
LikeLike
Aug 17, 2014 @ 10:21:43
I’m so glad, too, Denise…💗
LikeLike
Aug 11, 2014 @ 13:26:31
Great post. After my mom died, there would be days when I would feel better. I typically buried myself in work, then distracted myself with TV or reading or doing things with the kids. But I wasn’t getting better, because my feeling better days would be followed by ones where I cried all day or felt like a brick was sitting on top of my heart. In a way, I thought that getting better would mean forgetting my mom or that I wouldn’t be honoring her, if that makes sense. But one day I realized just how bad off I was, how sad I was, and that this life I was “living” wasn’t one my mom would want for me and that I wasn’t being a good mom for my kids. It was then I started to get better. I began to let go of the grief and the sadness and to see the happiness I could have in my life. Getting better meant honoring my mom with love instead of grief filled tears. Getting better meant remembering all the good times we spent together instead of thinking about the last days of my mom’s life. Getting better takes work, a lot of work, and it’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
LikeLike
Aug 11, 2014 @ 04:20:43
I can definitely relate to this Denise. It does get worse before it gets better. But the hard work and discomfort is worth it in the end. I would be in a very different place if I didn’t have the support of wise therapists along the way.
Of course, the journey continues. Thankfully I’ve learnt to be OK with a range of emotions. I don’t try and push them down or away – they are part of being human. Being human is also reaching for the chocolate sometimes 🙂 But I think the important thing is to recognise when we are derailing and seek help or support in getting back on-course, into healthier habits and better self-care.
God bless you as you take every thought captive, and bring your emotions and feelings before your loving Heavenly Father.
LikeLike
Aug 08, 2014 @ 11:42:43
my “drug” of choice for the longest time was ignorance. If I do not let myself think and just go with my life like nothing happened, that means – nothing happened.
Of course, it worked only for so long and when it finally blew up, it blew up big. My life went to shit.
The best thing anyone can do for themselves is to get that drawer out on the counter and taking a look. Once you evaluate what you have hidden and why, and what beliefs have made you lock that drawer and avoid it like a plaque, awakening begins.
LikeLike
Aug 08, 2014 @ 09:50:01
Denise, I too come from a family whose father was an alcoholic, and have gone through exactly what you said. You putting it down in words has made me realize just how far the Lord took me from feeling better to actually getting better. So many things I did to make myself feel better was just as destructive as the beer my dad drank. I could not have said it better than what you said, and I pray someone reading this write now finds the encouraging they need to go from feeling better to being better!! Blessings my friend!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aug 07, 2014 @ 21:25:03
Hi Paulette, you’re not alone in the chasing, that’s for sure. I’m so glad we’re finding a way to get better, and be better. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aug 07, 2014 @ 20:19:03
Hi Denise,
I am so glad that you have emptied that junk drawer and sorted your emotions out. It requires a lot of effort and energy to dispose off what had been clinging to you for such a long time. But it is worth it, clearing mental cobwebs which you had been ignoring is a great accomplishment.
I can understand that you are getting better. Letting go those emotions is the only alternative. It is better to dismiss them than let them harm you any further.
LikeLike
Aug 07, 2014 @ 21:18:12
Hi Balroop, thanks for your support!
LikeLike
Aug 07, 2014 @ 20:10:20
I love this Denise
I miss you
LikeLike
Aug 07, 2014 @ 21:18:39
Sheri!! I miss you too! It’s been way too long!
LikeLike
Aug 07, 2014 @ 18:26:48
Great post, Denise! My “drug” of choice has always been busyness. Even in a more self-aware state, I still reach for more projects, distractions and work. Your post is a gentle reminder and am always thankful for kind souls like you.
LikeLike
Aug 07, 2014 @ 21:19:24
Those defaults are tough to shake, Michelle. We are works in progress, aren’t we?
LikeLike
Aug 07, 2014 @ 17:56:03
Good for you! You are such an inspiration and so grounded, helping me think about things that are much more real than the superficial stuff that makes up most of my internet reading!!!
LikeLike
Aug 07, 2014 @ 21:20:38
Thank you for the compliment, it means so much to me.
I’m glad you found value in this post.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aug 07, 2014 @ 14:00:16
Wow Denise, this is such an honest piece, and such an important distinction! You probably know the terrific work of Dr. Brené Brown on shame and vulnerability. She calls these things tools for numbing, because numbing is better than being in pain. But as you so clearly pointed out, they’re not really better in the long run. Great post.
LikeLike
Aug 07, 2014 @ 21:22:09
Hi Elizabeth, yes I went to a seminar recently where they showed a video of Brené speaking. It was very powerful. I have one of her books to read also.
“Tools for Numbing” that is a good description alright!
LikeLike
Aug 07, 2014 @ 13:43:49
Excellent point, the distinction between “feeling” better and “getting” better. For many years, I chased the feeling until I was leveled by illness. That’s when I finally understood the getting part. That’s the part that can weather the ups and downs. Thanks!
LikeLiked by 2 people