His lessons about life taught me no one is trustworthy.
His lessons about love taught me to control or be controlled.
His lessons about tolerance taught me no one is smart enough, good enough, or fast enough.
His lessons about security taught me danger is around every corner.
His lessons about confidence taught me if I didn’t think his way, there was hell to pay.
It’s taken years to undo the damage from those lessons.
But it was his lessons about stubbornness that backfired on him.
It was the one trait he taught me that actually saved me from him.
Once I made up my mind to get free of him, that stubborn streak served me well. My mom told me recently that when he read my letter estranging myself from them in 2001, his response was “I’ve lost total control!”
Indeed, by the time I’d written the letter, I was fully committed to doing whatever it took to change myself. For me, that meant creating the safety and breathing space of estrangement; even at the cost of his fury and the confusion of other family members. He had undeniably lost total control and I was only able to see it through because of God’s grace, and the very stubbornness Dad taught me.
It is the one lesson he taught me I am grateful for, and probably one he regretted.
How about you? What lessons are you grateful for from your Dad?
Jul 15, 2014 @ 11:25:35
Oh my there are a ton of lessons I learned ~ but like you, the stubbornness one was my favorite!
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Jul 11, 2014 @ 13:53:50
Denise – A powerful post, as always. It is indeed amazing the power we receive as we walk with God to recover from our past. While my father was the opposite of yours, my mother might as well have been drinking from the same cup. She didn’t drink but she might as well have done so. Her control of everything and everyone caused deep emotional harm to everyone within the family. It took me years to figure out that was what was going on. Thanks for your thought-provoking post. Sheri
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Jul 12, 2014 @ 15:17:25
Hi Sheri, those deep wounds do seem to take a very long time to unearth, process, and put to rest so we can finally let go and move forward. So glad we’ve both found ways to do just that. Thanks for your thoughts.
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Jul 09, 2014 @ 14:16:05
Great thoughts, Denise, especially under considerably trying circumstances. What’s really powerful is that through the crap, you still managed to find the good stuff and use it. I love that.
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Jul 09, 2014 @ 17:41:14
Thanks Kate…if we look hard/long enough there’s usually something worthwhile even in the crap! I always appreciate your comments and support.
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Jun 25, 2014 @ 23:12:12
I love dad’s lessons. Because of my Dad today I am here. I love my dad so much. He is my God.
~Diana
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Jun 26, 2014 @ 10:02:19
You are a lucky daughter, Diana!
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
Your blog and Red Wine magazine look very professional. Congratulations!
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Jun 25, 2014 @ 11:08:58
I guess, I have to agree with you. My father, also an abusive human being, taught me how to be stubborn. I guess you can go either in total submission or become a fighter.
Me being stubborn and choosing myself over the rest of the world is one good thing that came out of my relationship with my father
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Jun 17, 2014 @ 19:18:11
I love the way you are able to narrate such a powerful turn around. And thank you for your mention of grace,,, wow what a powerful gift to be graced to make a new start.
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Jun 18, 2014 @ 07:42:03
That is the amazing part, isn’t it Allen? That God gives us the strength and grace to make a new start -from either side of the coin. I only wish my dad had made the choice to make a new start too. We really missed out on what could have been something beautiful -beauty from ashes.
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Jun 18, 2014 @ 08:51:05
well said!
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Jun 17, 2014 @ 09:44:14
Powerful post, Denise! I’m so thankful for God’s grace, which allows us to move forward. You are an inspiration.
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Jun 17, 2014 @ 14:57:18
Bill, you are such an inspiration to me and so many others. Thank you for encouraging me, and for being such a great father to your girls.
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Jun 17, 2014 @ 06:00:32
So grateful your God-given stubbornness has served in freeing you from your horrific past Denise. You’ve worked hard to undo so many false messages about yourself and the world. Freedom has to be fought for, but Christ is there with us. Praise God for your release, dear friend.
Blessings,
Ali
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Jun 17, 2014 @ 14:56:01
Such a journey, Ali. Forgiveness and release were blessed gifts, but they didn’t come easily. Thank you for your sweet and kind words, they mean so much to me.
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Jun 16, 2014 @ 17:15:02
I have just read my own past in your article. I am the strong and creative person today because I defied the labels of “idiot” and “criminal” applied to me by my PTSD suffering father as my mother retired into the wall. Happiness was a distant, almost unattainable state until I chose to generate my own joy. I am certain that God played a part in my survival. I do not blame my father; I forgive him and my mother. To break this cycle became my goal with my own family. Whew! This feels good!
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Jun 16, 2014 @ 22:21:51
Amen Dody!! Sounds like we have much in common.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here.
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Jun 16, 2014 @ 13:14:23
Denise, your courage in writing this post on Father’s Day does two very important things. For those who have suffered at the hands of flawed parents, it is a source of support and hope that they can move beyond it and a permission slip to be more open about how they feel.
For those fortunate enough to have had wonderful parents, it’s an important reminder to be grateful but also to be more sensitive towards those who find these national “celebrations” more hurtful than anything.
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Jun 16, 2014 @ 22:21:06
Hi Elizabeth,
Thank you for acknowledging what makes some uncomfortable…Father’s day has two sides of the coin.
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Jun 16, 2014 @ 08:33:07
Denise, you’re a powerful woman. Channeling that determination into freedom is a vital message to all survivors. I’m so sorry you went through such abuse – it makes me cry. Thanks to our Heavenly Father and His unfathomable love that heals everything we endure. His love makes me cry for you even more…but for a very different reason. Tears of joy.
Love you. ❤️
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Jun 16, 2014 @ 10:40:13
Through God’s grace, Lori, through God’s grace.
Thank you for your love and support, as always. xo
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Jun 16, 2014 @ 11:01:04
I often imagine myself sitting across from my young self and saying, ” Hang on, little one. This ends well. I promise.”
Yes, God’s grace is so powerful. Thankful we both know Him. ❤️
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Jun 16, 2014 @ 05:12:07
This is heart-breaking and yet, encouraging. Raising kids isn’t easy.. my dad was born in 1933 and his early life wasn’t a breeze it left scars… only as an adult looking back I begin to understand…. my wife and her family are imploding right now and the hidden scars are coming to the surface… your experience with your dad was awful and and I’m glad he taught you to be stubborn and open – we are all moving ahead. I hope you have a wonderful week…
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Jun 16, 2014 @ 07:54:31
Hi Clay, it’s interesting you mention the old scars from your wife’s family coming to the surface. I’ve had so many people tell me over the years I should “just forgive & forget”. Those scars will find a way to surface whether we give permission or not. I’m glad you are there for her as she deals with the aftermath of her own history, and you all move forward.
Thanks for sharing that here today, Clay.
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Jun 16, 2014 @ 03:35:33
Wonderful wonderful wonderful WONDERFUL post, Denise. As you know … most of everything on Father’s Day is taking a completely different approach. I appreciate yours, as it syncs with my own Dad challenges. It love the way you gained strength “in spite of”. Three cheers for you!!!! 🙂
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Jun 16, 2014 @ 07:51:43
Thank you…though I am sorry you can relate.
Cheers to you as well for finding a way to be better than the hand you were dealt!
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Jun 15, 2014 @ 11:29:53
Jun 15, 2014 @ 06:47:01
Denise – This post is both heartbreaking and encouraging. I wish I could hug you right now.
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Jun 15, 2014 @ 07:56:00
Thanks, Diane. I always love a hug! 😉
I’m at a much better place about my Dad now. I went through false-idolizing (Denial), fear, anger, and grief -and finally forgiveness. I hope others who have ‘Dad challenges’ can find hope for their journeys, too.
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Jun 15, 2014 @ 03:43:13
I am grateful you shared your thoughts on this situation. I don’t look forward to Father’s Day either – mine was bad too. Though I wasn’t subjected to him – he took off on Mom and me and my two brothers (me, 1 yr. old and the two boys about 5 and 9). And never a dime in any support. I wrote and mailed a scathing letter when I was in my 20s and have taken strength in that letter ever since.
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Jun 15, 2014 @ 07:52:51
Thank you for supporting my decision to say something some may consider sacrilegious or victim-y on a day intended to praise Dads.
The idea behind Mother’s Day and Father’s Day is noble enough, but for many of us it’s not something to celebrate. I hope to help give permission to others to say how they are feeling, too.
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Jun 14, 2014 @ 20:56:49
Oddly, Denise, it was the lesson of fear. The fear to not assume or inherit traits of his that were unloving, controlling, out of integrity. If I wasn’t aware at an early age and chose to heighten the same awareness as an adult, I’d likely have erred toward his judgmental side. He was a God-loving and well-intentioned man. I just learned from him what I never thought I would want or need to.
An excellent post and probing question.
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Jun 14, 2014 @ 18:06:20
Hi Denise,
I was not that fortunate to have received any lessons as I was too young when my dad died in an accident. I have very vague memories…that he was fond of music and wanted me to learn it, he was more affectionate towards daughters, which made my brother jealous, he had big dreams for us but they all dashed to the ground when he was snatched away. If you read my reflections more carefully, you will be able to hear the yearnings of a little helpless girl.
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Jun 14, 2014 @ 17:57:18
I’m sorry your experience with your dad was not as it should be.
Diana xo
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Jun 14, 2014 @ 17:11:10
A cousin and I decided long ago that the one thing we got from our fathers is we wanted to be as little like them as possible. I understand now why my dad was the way he was and I’m sorry for him, but at least he gave me a starting point. Whenever I found myself being too much like him, I knew it was time to change. But good or bad, abusive or loving, all of our fathers gave us the gift of life. For that I am incredibly grateful!
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Jun 14, 2014 @ 17:16:52
That’s a great perspective, Esther.
Like you, I finally understand now why my Dad was the way he was, too. It doesn’t excuse them, but does give meaning, and that is helpful in order to move forward and be different.
Thanks for sharing!
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Jun 14, 2014 @ 15:05:21
Well, it’s not named Only Positive Father’s Day, and I think in the end, assuming we have time and interest in reflection, what we take from our parents can be positive or negative, whatever they taught us or meant to.
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Jun 14, 2014 @ 17:08:48
Hi Rebecca, thanks for stopping by and sharing.
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Jun 14, 2014 @ 15:02:26
An amazing post, Denise. I really admire you for taking these lessons, sorting through them and throwing the worst to the wind.
My dad taught me to make the most of every day we have on this earth 😀
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Jun 14, 2014 @ 17:01:00
Your Dad sounds very wise, Dianne. What a treasured lesson he taught you!
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Jun 14, 2014 @ 14:06:42
It’s complicated. But he did show me that the status quo could be challenged and changed.
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Jun 14, 2014 @ 14:44:28
And that is a gift…I know many people who think “it is what it is” and have a fatalistic attitude that they are stuck with their lot in life.
It’s refreshing to have our own minds.
Thanks for sharing that today, Ruth.
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Jun 14, 2014 @ 13:59:47
Hi Denise, a brave and honest post. I’ve been challenged with the lessons offered from both my parents, and the lack of inspiring ones, Yet after time and reflection, I’ve also come to be more compassionate for them, knowing they did what they could and also reflect some tendencies in me, that I’m learning to grow beyond. Like my Dad squashing his passions and emotional withdrawal, and Mom’s patters for victimhood and complaining. So I have all those patterns and have somewhat moderated them and used them as fertilizer to grow and change. blessings, Brad
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Jun 14, 2014 @ 14:42:20
Hi Brad,
It’s a good point you make about them doing the best they could. I finally arrived at that place with my mom, and it helped immensely. Because abuse is a choice, I never did come to that conclusion with my dad. I’ve forgiven him and moved forward, but I don’t think he did the best he could.
It’s really great to hear how you’ve made conscious decisions on how to grow and be different than the models you had.
Always good to hear from you, thanks for stopping by.
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Jun 14, 2014 @ 17:26:02
Thanks Denise. I honor you doing what is best for you and having different circumstances. Thanks for sharing and responding. blessings, Brad
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