I used to plead with my therapist for an easier way to process and heal my past. Feeling the feelings is really hard work, and incredibly painful. I wanted a short-cut, some magic wand to fast-forward me to the finish line. I Wish.
Turns out Robert Frost had it right all those years ago. The best way out really is through.
If we don’t feel the feelings and process them –at least enough to heal and move forward– they will continue to haunt us in hidden and mysterious ways.
I’ve learned and re-learned the frustrating truth that we can know something in our heads, but if don’t know it in our hearts it doesn’t translate to change.
Without a doubt it has to start in our heads. We need to think, consider, and chew the facts a while. But the only way I’ve seen knowledge migrate from the head to the heart is through feeling the feelings. Processing emotions like loss, anger, and truth is draining, even excruciating at times, but it’s eventually very freeing.
The most tangible way I’ve seen my life changed
by “going through” is that I rarely react anymore. What a relief!
My abandonment feelings used to shadow me in the most unexpected ways. I look back now and see how controlled I was by them, but at the time I thought my behavior was merited. It is critical to preserve the notion our behavior is rational, because the only other alternative is to admit something is amiss. Until we are ready to face the unseen influences, we will remain enslaved to them.
An easy example for me to describe is how other people’s tardiness distressed me for many years. (even having to wait a few minutes would send me spiraling.) I never realized the impact emotional and physical abandonment as a child had on me in this area. All I knew was when someone was late, I had to leave. It was that simple. I could not wait for them or my anxiety would skyrocket through the roof. If for some reason I was unable to leave, my anxiety turned to volatile anger. I had no idea hidden emotions were behind my intolerance, but I unequivocally, absolutely, could not bear waiting.
Needless to say this affected my relationships in a detrimental way. I had no room for flexibility in this area because the degree of abandonment was so high.
Since I’ve processed the emotions about my younger self being abandoned, I can accept someone being late. I remain calm and don’t have to flee the scene in order to avoid my feelings. I can make a rational choice about what to do while I’m waiting. Stretch my legs, make a phone call, or do nothing at all. This is the freedom of ‘going through’ the emotions.
How about you? How has ‘going through’ changed your life?
inspired2ignite 
May 28, 2014 @ 12:34:54
“But the only way I’ve seen knowledge migrate from the head to the heart is through feeling the feelings”
So very true!
This post reminded me of an experience several years ago, shortly after divorce. The last several years of that marriage were an emotional roller-coaster with more downward spirals than upward. I learned a lot during that time…a lot about myself…about my limits…about what I could and could not live with…about relying on God as my strength in all situations…
When the decision to divorce was finally made, it was surprisingly unemotional for me. It was more an acceptance of the reality of the situation and a need to make decisions about how best to proceed based on that reality.
So, although I cried many tears during the course of the marriage, I never shed a single tear during the divorce.
Until the day my dog was killed…about two months after the divorce. I’ve never been one to get emotional over a pet’s death. But this time, I literally could not stop crying. For two days straight, every time I was alone tears were streaming down my face.
Of course, I relaize now the tears had less to do with the dog than they did with the grief over the divorce and the lost dreams, visions and goals.
I look at that time, now, as a period when God was especially watching over me…giving me strength to unemotionally deal with the reality of divorce, then allowing me a specific period of intense mourning when I most needed it.
Of course, that was not the end of the grieving process…but it was a good start…
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May 29, 2014 @ 07:22:19
Joe, thank you so much for sharing your own story of ‘going through.’ It is incredibly powerful.
I agree that God has an amazing way of carrying us through the roughest spots, only to give us an unexpected release at a safe time & place when we are ready. (and I appreciate your acknowledgement of it being the beginning. So many people expect others -and themselves- to grieve once and be done with it. Very unrealistic and harmful perspective I believe.)
Thanks again, it’s always nice to hear from you.
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May 26, 2014 @ 19:00:00
Ah, the timing, Denise. Great post.
I just happen to be “going through” this very minute. The pain of losing my mom and the fatigue of grief. Tough stuff.
I love how you made the connection between your early pain and present discomfort with tardiness. Your insightful work is very inspiring and encouraging to me. ❤️
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May 28, 2014 @ 06:51:07
So sad to know you are hurting right now, Lori. It is small comfort in the moment to know this pain will eventually bring healing. Hang on tight, and know there are many who love and care about you. xx
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May 28, 2014 @ 12:16:02
Thank you, Denise…you’re such a loving person. 🙂
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May 22, 2014 @ 16:52:20
I’ve learned a lot today from reading this post, Denise (from you and also from the amazing comments). I’ve always been a ‘runner’ – physically and mentally. If I’m overwhelmed by a problem I either run away in my head, or take off down the street! It’s a weird thing and I’ve never understood why I do this. After reading this post I think there is probably something I need to go ‘through’ and a deep-seated reason why I feel the need to ‘escape’. I just don’t know what it is yet, and am really not sure if I want to know xxx
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May 23, 2014 @ 08:38:11
Dianne, I can understand your hesitancy to learn what “it” is.
Two things come to mind from your comment.
First, until you face it, it will continue to chase you from behind -causing you to continue running.
Second, I could have never figured this out on my own. In my case, it was too hidden and mysterious for me to unravel. I needed a professional to help me sort it all out. (and to support me while I grieved)
I think the fact you can reflect on your running means you are probably more ready and willing than you realize. xxx
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May 22, 2014 @ 03:38:26
Awesome post, Denise. Facing, talking about, and being honest about a problem – go through – I agree. Your insights amaze me. And they also give me little clues into my own psyche.
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May 22, 2014 @ 06:26:53
I think it’s very rewarding to learn things about ourselves from each other as we travel the road of life. Glad you liked the post, Karen 🙂
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May 21, 2014 @ 10:28:32
Denise, your reflections — and your courage in sharing them — are enormously important, and they will remind me to think twice when I react to something in an illogical or hypersensitive way and try to consider what might be going on at a deeper level. This is a perfect example of just one reason why I believe Connection with Self is one of four essential life connections. When we are not in touch with ourselves (through denial or otherwise), all kinds of pathology can manifest itself.
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May 22, 2014 @ 06:20:43
“When we are not in touch with ourselves (through denial or otherwise), all kinds of pathology can manifest itself.”
That is a profound statement, Elizabeth. Pathology comes in all sorts of forms: emotional, physical, spiritual. I agree it is often born from a lack of self awareness.
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May 21, 2014 @ 06:19:05
Being able to go through instead of finding an easier escape is the only way we can truly heal and overcome. I think it’s extremely difficult and terrifying to go through. But, that’s why it’s the most effective and satisfying option.
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May 21, 2014 @ 06:21:37
Couldn’t agree more, Kate. Seems like the tough choices are usually the ones with the most reward.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.
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May 20, 2014 @ 19:24:34
My children were born at home. When I was in labor with Philip, I was shocked at how much it hurt – I thought my good attitude was enough. And there came a point where I realized there was no way out but through – and I was terrified because I didn’t think I could bear the pain.
It was a profound moment, one I never forgot. But that was my son, preparing me for what was to come. He brought me full circle, because now he’s died and there’s no way out but through, and I have been terrified because I don’t know if I can bear the pain.
Thank for a thoughtful and moving post.
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May 21, 2014 @ 05:20:16
That is a powerful picture, Denise. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this in such a personal and poignant way.
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May 20, 2014 @ 19:21:46
Thanks for this great reminder. As I read it I was also struck by the fact that it often helps us to have someone to go through with us, someone who has been through it before.
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May 21, 2014 @ 05:23:49
That is a very important piece I neglected to mention. Thanks for bringing it up, Allen. It can really make the difference to have someone who has ‘gone through’ as you say.
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May 20, 2014 @ 18:16:06
“we can know something in our heads, but if don’t know it in our hearts it doesn’t translate to change.”—I love that sentence. It’s so true. Everything in life is a process. If we want to keep going forward, we really do need to go “through” in every sense of the word. Wonderful post.
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May 21, 2014 @ 05:26:07
Life really is a process, isn’t it Carrie? Thankfully we can learn new ways to be aware of ourselves and continue to improve our own lives and of those around us.
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May 20, 2014 @ 17:34:35
Denise, feeling the feelings a second time around has to be so incredibly difficult and painful. I give you so much credit and admire your strenght.
“This is the freedom of ‘going through’ the emotions.” I am so glad you found this freedom!!!
This post makes me wonder about my reactions, especially the ones that seem like over-reactions or irrational. Hmm. Thanks for making me think!
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May 21, 2014 @ 05:29:29
Arlene, this is one of the most helpful tools my therapist taught me to understand if I was over-reacting or not. On a scale of 1-10, where does my reaction land? If it’s over a 4, then I am overreacting to the current situation and my behavior is actually driven by unprocessed emotion.
That tool gave me a way to evaluate without being criticized, thus I was more willing to consider digging in. I hope it helps you, too.
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May 21, 2014 @ 13:26:58
I am going to try this scale! Thanks again for sharing.
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May 21, 2014 @ 15:14:42
You’re welcome Arlene! Let me know if you have some ‘aha’ moments down the road.
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May 20, 2014 @ 17:15:51
Again, Denise, I’m amazed to hear how it feels. It is so easy for us on the outside to assign attitudes to behaviors without ever understanding the reasons for the behavior. Thank you so much for being willing to share those feelings and how they played out for you.
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May 21, 2014 @ 05:22:45
Esther, your comment reminds me of another ‘truism’ my therapist used to tell me often. “Every behavior has meaning.” Of course the meaning may vary from person to person, but like you said understanding the meaning is what it’s all about. Thanks for your ever astute observations and comments. I always enjoy hearing from you.
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May 21, 2014 @ 13:24:01
Denise, a wise woman who had worked with special needs children for many years told me once “Behavior is communication.” She was so right. If a child has learned the only way her needs will be met is to scream and yell, then that’s what she will do. If the only way she can be safe is to run and hide, then every time she feels threatened, she will run and hide. It is up to us to recognize that the behavior is not because she is a “bad kid” but because that may be her only way to telling us what her world has taught her. Figuring out the meaning of her communication is the hard part!
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May 21, 2014 @ 15:13:56
That’s a great way to describe it, Esther. This woman sounds very wise indeed. It’s a great visual I will tuck away as a reminder to think outside the box when trying to figure myself or others out.
Thanks for sharing it here.
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May 20, 2014 @ 17:13:08
You are so open and sharing, it makes me very proud of you!
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May 21, 2014 @ 05:21:07
Awww…thank you so much! That’s very sweet; I appreciate your encouragement very much.
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May 20, 2014 @ 17:08:49
Nice post Denise, I’m working on this lesson myself, learning to embrace my feelings more. XD Congrats on your progress!
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May 20, 2014 @ 17:10:24
Thanks, Brad! I’m still on my journey! 🙂
I’ll look forward to hearing of your progress in this area, too.
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May 21, 2014 @ 09:37:03
progress and process. 🙂
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