Estrangement stories cross my path often lately. It’s a painful and sensitive topic, for both sides. Some people are hurting because they’ve chosen to estrange themselves, others because they don’t understand why a loved one has estranged. Still others long for the relief of estrangement, but the pain of setting that boundary is clearly too difficult.
The journey of coming to terms with why we need to estrange ourselves can be grueling, depressing, and exhausting. Desire for belonging to family is strong, and it took considerable pain – and 3 attempts – before I was finally able to definitively draw my line in the sand.
The first time I tried to estrange from my abusive father at 17, I simply wasn’t strong enough to defy him.
Five years later, though, my motivation was much stronger because I was pregnant. I didn’t want my baby near Dad. In an effort to dissuade me, he used guilt, shame, and contempt about the move. Though he’d severely abused me my entire childhood, the desire for him to love me and be proud of me was powerful. Conflicting emotions tugged at my heart. The maternal instinct to protect my unborn baby prevailed, however, and my husband and I moved from Alaska to Seattle.
A month later we had our daughter, and in two years we added a son to our family. The power of love I had for my kids was surpassed only by a powerful protectiveness. Their safety was of utmost importance to me. My kids were growing up, and all the while I was having a constant inner battle between wanting a relationship with my parents and protecting myself and my kids from Dad. It became increasingly difficult to invent reasons why I refused him time with them. Several times he insisted I let my daughter fly to Alaska to go fishing with him. We never spoke of his abuse directly, but he was outraged when I repeatedly told him no.
I was straddling both sides of a painful fence. On one side, I longed to have a normal relationship with my parents. I wanted to pretend away dad’s abuse and offer a loving, fun set of grandparents for my kids to enjoy. On the other side, I wanted Dad out of my life. It was agonizing every time I spoke with them on the phone; the pretending was taking its toll.
When the anxiety about my own abuse, and the fear of potential new abuse grew beyond my emotional capacity, I finally realized I could no longer continue this way. In my third and most deliberate effort to estrange, I wrote my parents a letter explaining I was sorting through some things and needed my space. I asked them not to contact me until I was ready. This was not well received.
First they enlisted my sister and a neighbor to call on their behalf. I tearfully held firm this was between me and my parents and for them not to be involved. After a few weeks, my parents wrote letters telling me how much I was hurting them. When I didn’t respond, they took turns calling. They were relentless in pushing my boundary. I knew if I gave in, though, I would never have the strength to separate myself from them again.
The barrage wore on me and I fell into a seemingly bottomless depression. On one of my worst days, I lay on the kitchen floor and flattened myself against the linoleum. I tried to grab hold of the floor in a desperate attempt to stay down. The emotional pain was so great all I could do was pray for God to give me the strength to keep firm. Deep down I knew estrangement was the only way to heal my past, and to protect my children’s future.
Eventually mom and dad stopped trying to communicate with me and I continued with my therapy. I needed to process my past and learn how it was affecting my marriage and my parenting. Grief work is demanding, though, and I was exhausted. Each time I wanted to quit therapy God gave me reminders, always in reference to my kids, of why I needed to persevere. In an exasperatingly slow process, healing finally developed while anger and anxiety abated. I began to see light and happiness where only darkness and grief existed.
Dad had passed away without us reconciling, and though I wanted to reconcile with mom, I was still angry with her for not protecting or even believing me. I wrote her a letter saying I was struggling with forgiveness. To my great surprise, she wrote back asking if we could meet in person. So, after a 12 year estrangement, she came to see me in Seattle. My husband and I stood in the hallway at the airport waiting for her arrival and I burst into tears when I spotted her. I couldn’t believe after all this time we were actually going to see each other.
She spent several days with me and we talked about painful things. She asked me difficult questions and I responded with equally difficult answers. This time she not only believed me, but she got angry with dad. She even went to therapy with me. We were both willing to be brave and vulnerable in the interest of reconciling and healing.
I am a radically better wife, mother, and friend because of the process. I am happier and freer than I ever imagined while living in those dark places. I can now live freely in the truth.
God was faithful to give me strength and determination to stay the course so I could move from estrangement to reconciliation. My own strength was not nearly enough to get me through.
Reconciliation isn’t always wanted, or even safe; but I share this story to give hope of reconciliation to those who do want to reconcile one day.
How about you? Have you experienced estrangement or reconciliation?
Life Shift | Nobody's Grandmother
May 21, 2014 @ 20:06:24
Apr 05, 2014 @ 20:05:27
Denise, I am so sorry that you had to endure abuse of any kind from your father. I believe there are too many people in the world with this kind of experience. My father was abusive physically (beatings) and emotionally but I was like you…determined that it would not be perpetuated by me with my own children. I do believe it is possible to stop the cycle and be the one that overcomes the adversity of abuse. All things are possible with Christ who gives us strength.
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Apr 06, 2014 @ 14:24:02
That is so true…strength from Him knows no boundaries!
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Mar 24, 2014 @ 17:08:47
Thank you so very much for this. I am struck by the manner in which many of us want to rush to overcoming estrangement. You, quite rightly I think, mark it as a necessary making space. Wow, what an important learning!
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Mar 26, 2014 @ 13:08:02
Thanks Allen. I think we do tend to want to rush things, but there is something powerful that can only happen with the gift of time. A painful growing space…
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Mar 23, 2014 @ 13:29:54
Denise – When I first tried to read this post, I couldn’t. Much of my ‘own stuff’ was gurgling on the surface. The only way I could read today was to print everything out. You give me courage to face the demons of my past. I’ve lived through twenty-five years of therapy and am still going. It seems as soon as we uncover one layer of abuse, here comes another. I was sexually abused by my mother’s sister and my father’s foreman’s wife (an in the closet lesbian). Someday I may be able to write about this tragic chapter in my life. I always thought my mother would ask me to forgive her for allowing something like this to go on for so many years. Once my father learned the truth, there were some drastic changes made but I have so much work I still have to do. Thanks for your sharing and your honesty. You give me the strength to move on.
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Mar 26, 2014 @ 13:06:35
Oh, Sheri….Your story touches my heart very deeply. Pain that deep takes a long time to sort through and heal from. What a horrible breach of trust to someone so vulnerable; it makes my blood boil. I’m glad your dad made changes once he found out, but as you know all too well, so much damage was already done. You are so strong to keep working on healing, and to help your husband with his health too.
Though I’m sad we have so much in common, I’m honored to hear you say my story is helping you on your journey. We all need to stick together, and I’m so glad our paths have crossed.
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Mar 22, 2014 @ 08:20:42
Denise…. thank you for writing this, I was estranged from my dad and felt guilty, really guilty about our relationship… when he got sick I raced to his side, though he could not speak he recognized me and reached out to me from his bedside… I could sense there was a release – for both of us. i was only able to stay for a couple of days, but when i came back he was in a coma and i stayed by his bedside as he slowly drifted away. I talked to him, even brought him coffee, and I think we made our peace. My brothers and I took his cremains to France a year later – and we all made our peace.. I still have my regrets and don’t want the same to happen to me and my kids…thanks, I love reading your blog – when I can get to it. somehow with my schedule there seems to be a time delay!
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Mar 26, 2014 @ 11:11:22
Hi Clay, it sounds like you are making the most to ensure what happened with you and your dad doesn’t happen with you and your kids -and that’s a huge accomplishment.
I’m glad you had the opportunity to make some peace with him before he left. A gift to you both.
Thanks so much for sharing this here, and for your encouragement of my blog. I appreciate it very much.
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Abuse | Is there anyone listening?
Mar 21, 2014 @ 08:59:43
Mar 21, 2014 @ 02:33:24
Hi Denise,
I really appreciate your story, and can relate to parts of it.
I’m so glad your mom was willing to go through the reconciliation process with you. It wouldn’t have been easy.
My husband and I are estranged from his parents due to abuse, and I pray often that God would show us a way not just to forgive but to reconcile. There is a difference isn’t there, because the latter requires both parties…
My own parents are so broken that I wonder if we will ever be able to really talk about things/ the past. But at least we’re talking, and I’ve found peace with the past. It’s liberating to start letting go of things, though of course there is still pain sometimes.
Thanks so much for your story – it does give hope.
So thankful we have Christ – our very real hope.
Blessings,
Ali
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Mar 26, 2014 @ 11:09:18
Thanks, Ali, for sharing your story here. You make a good distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. Reconciling does take 2 willing parties.
I relate to what you said about making peace…when things are so broken, sometimes we just have to find the place where it’s ‘enough’ even though it’s not what we want.
I’m so glad you and your husband are a team on this issue, it makes a huge difference.
My biggest hug to you…
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Mar 29, 2014 @ 01:33:53
Amen to that Denise, and well said… Sometimes relationships just have to be ‘good enough’.
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Mar 18, 2014 @ 07:05:20
I also had an experience of abuse when I was six, the fact that my mother believed me and defended me empowered me that abuse did not have any power over me , thank you Denise for sharing this experience , many of us needs a voice to deal with the past and I believe that like this many can seize this opportunity
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Mar 18, 2014 @ 19:18:48
Wow…what an amazing gift to have a mom believe, protect, and defend you. Such an incredibly different outcome. I’m sorry for your experience at six, but so happy for how your mom handled it.
Thanks for sharing your story here, Lucinda.
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Mar 17, 2014 @ 07:19:25
You are truly an inspiration – thank you for sharing this. xoxoxoxo
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 21:05:35
Denise, this is another of your courageous confessions! I know how your own children make you stand up against all the odds…their well being is always paramount in our minds and I am proud of your decision to keep your children away from such a person whom you could not forgive. In fact he had no right to even meet your children. At the same time I am so happy for your reconciliation…and forgiveness.
You have done a great service to the society by sharing such an agonising story! BRAVO!
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Mar 14, 2014 @ 19:43:50
It’s really amazing the strength our kids give us, isn’t it?
Thanks for your support, it touches me very deeply.
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 15:19:26
You are a shining light and inspiration. I’ve been estranged from several family members; they’ve done some pretty bad things to me, not my mom or dad tho, but they’re deceased so can’t help, and hub is estranged from his whole family because they are absolutely toxic. I hear everything you’re saying. Stay strong, my friend!
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Mar 14, 2014 @ 19:42:19
Toxic.
That word about sums it up, doesn’t it?
Kudos to you and hubs for being strong, too.
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 13:19:46
Through your pain, and amazing writing skills, you inspire.
Thank you for sharing such light.
I too, have family “issues”. Your strength and willing to share is certainly like the virtual feeling of a hug.
I get the feeling that if I spilled my whole story, you wouldn’t think I was coo coo. You would kindly and wisely say, I understand.
Thanks for sharing. You have made my day a little lighter.
Heartfelt and sincere thanks,
Daleen
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Mar 14, 2014 @ 19:41:05
That is one of the best compliments I’ve ever gotten, Daleen. I hope I would live up to that, it is my goal.
You brightened my day with your sweet words, thank you.
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 12:47:07
any abuse is hard to cope with. Some people are stronger than others. Some never recover, some take a long time and some just leave in the past and move on without any visible impact.
However, what I am concerned about is. If he did that to you, he did that to other kids – kids that he could get his hands on.
Abusers like that never stop just with one kid.
All my respect to you and your strength to protect your children.
it’s great to see that you are on the path of healing and that you are brave enough to put your past behind, learn from it, draw strength and use it to better your relationships with those who matter the most.
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Mar 14, 2014 @ 19:39:20
Your concern about other kids is valid, Dace.
I can only hope others he hurt have also found ways to heal and move forward.
Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 08:38:29
I have tears streaming down my face ~ I am proud of you, I am inspired by you. I am happy for you and for your Mom. I am sending heartfelt understanding hugs to you. ♥
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 12:11:18
Thank you, Mifusa
Your words are a balm to my soul, and your hug is very much appreciated too!
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 04:11:09
Oh, Denise. I know how hard it is to fight for yourself and stand up against people who are supposed to love and respect you. I also know what you mean about that maternal instinct being the prevailing factor — I never hesitate to stand up for my kids and that has helped me make the tough choices whereas before I couldn’t. You’ve been through a lot, my friend. Thank you for sharing.
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 12:10:14
Our kids really do give us an unnatural strength, don’t they Kate? We have to be tough on their behalf. Thanks for letting me know you understand. I appreciate it very much.
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 03:13:06
You are amazing and very brave, Denise. I have had similar issues in my family with my cousins and their father. I commend you my friend xxx
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 12:09:12
My heart goes out to your family and their circumstances. I hope they find continued healing.
Thanks for sharing, Dianne.
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Mar 12, 2014 @ 20:22:45
Denise, I held my breath for the entire reading of your post. I’m in awe of your strength and the power of your beautiful, nurturing, protective, mother’s heart toward your children. I understand estrangement very well. I know the internal sirens that sound so loudly you simply can’t ignore them and remain sober. I know the conflicting needs and compulsions that make us feel crazy. And I know the emotional abandonment of not being believed by the people who could have ushered in the healing.
But like you, my dear friend, I know the freedom that comes from listening to our guts. I know how pushing through that awful, childlike terror of being alone in this world leads to the most terrific, don’t-mess-with-me-or-mine-ever resolve. There is a deep well of strength just under the lid of abandonment. We just need to open it. And there are loving and wonderful people who fill in the gaps that are left by the people we are estranged from. It’s amazing how God orchestrates that miracle.
Ok, I’m breathing again.
Love and hugs to you, brave sister. May others be set free because of your testimony.
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 11:10:09
Lori, you managed to say so well what I couldn’t quite put into words when I first wanted to respond to this post. “There is a deep well of strength…”. If we could somehow convey that well of strength to people who are struggling with abandonment or any of the other debilitating emotions that keep us frozen with fear, perhaps they would begin to see their way through the dark. It is so liberating to realize that the huge negative in your life can become a tremendous source of strength.
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 12:13:12
So true, Esther. It’s incredibly hard to realize the strength hiding under the pain. Without the advantage of hind sight I don’t know that I’d ever believe it possible.
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Mar 14, 2014 @ 18:14:10
Thank you, Esther. Yes, it’s almost impossible to believe good will come from extreme hardships, especially when rooted in childhood where we have no defenses against them. Personal testimonies from people in recovery (like our beloved Denise here) are a huge reason why I started to believe in healing for myself. In the pit of my my hell, I thought, “well, having gone through similar things, if they can get better, maybe I can, too.”
And, it’s true. We can heal from anything.
Hope to remain connected with you.
XO
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 12:08:05
“…there are loving and wonderful people who fill in the gaps…” That is so true, Lori -though in the moment I never thought it could be possible. God has brought so many amazing people into my life to add to my healing -present company included! I am grateful, so grateful.
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Mar 14, 2014 @ 18:16:30
I am, too, Denise. Overflowing with those precious, gap-filling people. Thank you for continuing to turn on the light in the darkness. Love to you…
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Mar 12, 2014 @ 19:42:37
This is really powerful, Denise. What courage it took for you to share your story. I struggle to distinguish between healthy estrangement and just being a “leaver”. I think there’s a subtle distinction there (at least for me).
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 12:06:19
That is a very good point, Diane. For me, estrangement is leaving with purpose. My purpose was number one for safety, but number two I always hoped for reconciliation.
Thank you for sharing that distinction.
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Mar 12, 2014 @ 16:52:08
It’s never easy to distance oneself from family, but sometimes it’s necessary for one’s own sanity and safety. I’m glad you were able to do what you needed to do to protect your own children.
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 12:04:51
“…for your own sanity and safety.” That is it in a nutshell, Ruth.
Thanks so much!
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Mar 12, 2014 @ 15:57:06
Oh Denise. You may never know who you have helped, not only by being brave enough to move from darkness to light yourself but in having the courage to share that journey so you can light the way for others.
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 12:04:10
Thank you so much Elizabeth. That is my greatest hope that my story will help someone else through their own journey. It’s hard sharing these parts of my journey, but I feel God encouraging me to do it anyways.
It means a lot to me for you to verbalize that it might be helping someone…thank you for that.
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Mar 12, 2014 @ 15:11:50
Wow, thank you for sharing this. Your strength through all of this is incredible xx
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 12:02:37
Hi Mariann, I am grateful to have made it full circle with my mom. I nearly gave up hope several times.
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Mar 12, 2014 @ 14:32:39
Denise, I think you’ve shown incredible wisdom, strength and courage in how you’ve dealt with these issues.
I’m glad you were able to set the necessary boundaries with your father.
I’m glad you sought help in healing.
I’m glad you were eventually able to reconcile with your mother.
Thank you for sharing your story…and for testifying to God’s faithfulness through it all…
Blessings to you, my friend!
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Mar 13, 2014 @ 12:01:54
Thanks, Joe. It has been a long journey.
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Mar 12, 2014 @ 13:35:01
Hi Denise, I admire your courage and can’t imagine what you’ve been through. But I’m glad that you can write, share and heal your pain & past. blessings, Brad
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Mar 12, 2014 @ 13:47:28
Thanks Brad. It is my greatest hope that others can somehow benefit from me sharing my story. Thanks again for your continued support.
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Mar 12, 2014 @ 13:30:59
Wow. What strength you showed. Love of a child can be a powerful thing. I’m so glad you were able to draw that line to protect yourself and your kids and also reconcile with your mom. We need to do what’s best for ourselves and our family, and sometimes that’s very hard to not only figure out but to make happen. Take care.
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Mar 12, 2014 @ 13:46:41
You make a really important distinction there, Kathy. “…sometimes that’s very hard to not only figure out but to make happen.”
Two separate steps, both equally important.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
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