There’s a pattern of dysfunction called the Triad many of us have without even realizing it. This is one of many things I learned about myself in therapy.
Triad refers to the way people Think, Feel, and Behave.
1. Self Activation -Think
This involves an action of taking care of ourselves.
2. Abandonment Feelings -Feel
This is the result of taking care of ourselves. If we have any ‘gaps’ from our childhood, they rear their ugly heads about now.
3. Acting Out – Behave
This is our reaction to the abandonment feelings.
A simple example of the triad for me would be spending money on myself. I’d buy new clothes (self-activation), feel guilty for spending money on myself (abandonment feelings), then return the clothes. (acting out).
The message I got growing up was I was not worthy of spending money on. Having money wasn’t the issue, but spending it on me certainly was. One way that message played out was being told new school clothes were an extravagance. Dad had plenty of money for alcohol and his toys, including three airplanes. The more he spent on himself, the more he drove the message in that though we had money, I wasn’t worthy of it.
Some people will react to a scenario like this in the opposite way, using ‘shopping therapy’ as a panacea for their abandonment feelings. But for me, I continued the familiar pattern of not spending money on myself. It’s the very same thing, just opposite sides of the same coin.
When we try to change a dysfunctional cycle without understanding what our abandonment issues are, we invariably slip into the triad. It isn’t enough to tell ourselves to simply think differently. We must process the driving force behind our behavior. It’s only then we can be free from it and begin living the life we were intended to.
How about you? What’s your triad look like?
Mar 07, 2014 @ 12:21:28
I recognize the triad because I had one that pertained to food. Or relationships. And now, I see that those tapes that played for so long are finally broken.
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Mar 09, 2014 @ 08:05:15
That’s really a great accomplishment, Eli!
Congrats! and thank you for sharing that part of your journey!
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Mar 10, 2014 @ 03:29:04
Thanks Denise. I spent so much time in the spots before this. I didn’t see the change until … I don’t know, maybe until I was ready to. Nothing had really changed about my approach. Maybe it just takes patience. And faith that it will happen.
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Mar 06, 2014 @ 14:02:30
Thanks for this. We really are rather complicated, and it is helpful to have a tool to sort through motivation etc. Lots to think about here!
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Mar 09, 2014 @ 07:58:21
Hi Allen, yes, complicated for sure! 🙂
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Mar 04, 2014 @ 02:50:23
This is really interesting to read, Denise. That’s the key, isn’t it? Coming to a place of awareness. Only then can the pattern be broken and we can find that healthy balance of looking after ourselves and our needs…
It took a long time for me to understand my value as a person, as I received a lot of put-downs as a child. I never felt worthy of anything much. But now I can see my worth as a child of God, and his love is better than anything else!
I am much better too at asking for what I need from others – not in a needy, dependent way (most of the time anyway) but as a healthy adult with value and worth.
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Mar 04, 2014 @ 09:52:07
Hi Ali! Awareness really is an important ticket to change! Those old tapes are hard to replace with ones from our Father. I’m so glad you are able to do so. It has been an incredibly freeing experience for me, too. Though a loooong time coming!
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this topic.
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Mar 01, 2014 @ 07:30:59
This is a great post, Denise. I’ve never heard of an emotional triad before, but my goodness, it would be a helpful tool for counselors to use with their clients.
Discovering my unconscious, destructive thoughts in therapy and journaling allowed me to explain my self-destructive behaviors. Understanding that connection (the fuel of my depression and PTSD) was a pivotal key to my healing.
Thanks for giving us another tool for healing.
Lots of love to you…
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Mar 01, 2014 @ 07:38:49
It’s a startling revelation when we realize just how much power our unconscious has. My therapist has reminded me of the triad many many times. I think it’s hard to see it ourselves, at least initially. Healing requires many tools, and this has been a good one for me!
Thanks for sharing, Lori!
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Feb 28, 2014 @ 07:31:19
Fascinating. And I always thought that Triads were Chinese gangsters. Maybe a Chinese gangster with abandonment issues? It would explain a lot.
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Feb 28, 2014 @ 07:44:26
Yes, that would explain quite a lot!!
🙂
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Feb 28, 2014 @ 03:43:14
Oh, I am quite sure I have a triad but I don’t know what it is either. I do suffer a lot from guilt, even when it has nothing to do with me directly, so that will likely be part of my triad! 🙂
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Feb 28, 2014 @ 07:13:09
Hey Kate! You are probably on to something here.
Honestly I don’t think I could have figured out my triads without my therapist’s help. It’s hard to see ourselves accurately sometimes!
Thanks for your input! 🙂
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Feb 27, 2014 @ 19:59:23
Hi Denise,
I have never heard of this term but this seems to be interesting! I think I have been living in the emotional dumps far too long…many times I have tried to pull myself out, be aloof, feel like giving less of love and care, detach myself, tell myself, too much of giving also makes a fool of us, people take us for a ride yet it has been hard to detach from my loving relationships.
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Feb 28, 2014 @ 07:11:58
Hi Balroop, those ’emotional dumps’ are a very draining place to be. I’m curious about the loving relationships you refer to. People who take us for a ride don’t tend to be the ones who love us- in a healthy way.
I had a hard time detaching from people who hurt me, at the time I thought they loved me. I wanted them to love me, so I think I convinced myself they did. Anyhow your comment had a hint of familiarity so thought I’d ask. I don’t mean to judge or criticize if I’m off base.
Thanks for sharing, I do always enjoy hearing your perspectives.
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Feb 27, 2014 @ 16:44:19
This is a great topic. I’m sure I have a triad and if I thought more about it I could probably figure it out. Like Carrie, not sure I want to know. I
do I contradict myself with my own behavior, I’m cheap in many ways but love to treat myself with bags I don’t need. But then I feel guilty about it and think ‘you really don’t need another bag.’ I don’t take it back though, I tell myself I better use it a lot since I spent money on it. Ha ha.
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Feb 28, 2014 @ 07:07:43
It does take a lot of figuring, and to be honest… in my case I don’t know that I would have actually figured myself out originally. Now that I know about the Triad I am more aware of myself. I have various Triads other than the one with clothes, but it’s an easier example.
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Feb 27, 2014 @ 16:22:04
I think I am just cheap. I don’t like to spend money on a dinner out – I can create a cheaper meal at home. I don’t like to spend $45 on jeans – I will buy recycled jeans at the thrift store. But every so often, I treat myself (when I can afford it) on a meal out, a new pair of something, a steak from the local grocer. Why? Because I am worth it. So, what’s my Triad?
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Feb 28, 2014 @ 07:04:45
Well, that’s hard to say because there are so many possibilities. It doesn’t have to be about money. It’s just related to taking care of ourselves.
An extreme example could be someone with an eating disorder: They eat (self activation), feel guilty for eating, (abandonment feelings) then vomit (act out).
It could be something like applying for a writing retreat scholarship (self activation), feeling unworthy/insecure about going (abandonment feelings), then bailing and not going (acting out).
It can show up in a thousand different ways. In a nutshell it’s any way we self-sabotage without even realizing or meaning to.
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Feb 28, 2014 @ 09:05:47
Well, I am currently signed up for the North Dakota Writers and Bloggers Conference, and I am going! For sure. I cannot wait. I know at times I am a little unsure of myself…my abilities, my writing, whatever. However, I normally just push through the insecurities and get it done. Even if I screw it up, I tried. Interesting discussion.
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Feb 28, 2014 @ 09:57:07
That’s awesome you’re going to the conference Karen! Sounds great! 🙂
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Feb 27, 2014 @ 15:03:25
Interesting perspective. Thanks, Denise.
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Feb 28, 2014 @ 06:58:48
Hi Paulette! Thanks for stopping by.
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Feb 27, 2014 @ 14:48:00
Interesting perspective Denise, that I hadn’t heard before. I’m betting I have abandonment feelings connected to many failed friendships as a kid. I also use food to stuff feelings as well as retreating like Joe, but I also believe that we may not need to explore or fix the past if we have clear and juicy goals & intentions moving us forward. And keep making choices moment to moment that come from love and alignment with those top values.
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Feb 28, 2014 @ 06:58:28
Hi Brad, those childhood friendships surely do have long lasting effects. I think even the clearest intentions can get derailed, though, by unprocessed emotion -if it was deep enough. There are so many factors it would be hard to say for sure what’s going on with certainty in any of us.
We are such complicated creations! 🙂
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Feb 27, 2014 @ 14:12:04
Interesting topic. My father was born in the 1920s and his family didn’t have enough money or food. He is now 88 has millions of dollars and yet still wears two jumpers in winter to save money on heating. He also uses every scrap of food and will not throw anything away.
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Feb 28, 2014 @ 06:55:50
These patterns are very hard to change for sure.
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Feb 27, 2014 @ 13:23:18
Interesting question. I’m not sure what my triad is, but it likely includes retreating inside myself or burying myself in a book. Not necessarily unhealthy behavior in and of itself…but it’s a place that’s easy for me to retreat to when I’m hurt or scared…so I have to monitor it a bit…
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Feb 27, 2014 @ 13:27:59
It’s interesting how different all our behaviors can be.
Thanks for your input, Joe!
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Feb 27, 2014 @ 13:07:55
Hmm, interesting issue. Not sure what my triad is. I’ll have to give it some thought. Or maybe I don’t want to know… 😉
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Feb 27, 2014 @ 13:14:33
Haha! Yes, there’s always that, too, Carrie!
Thanks for stopping by 🙂
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Feb 27, 2014 @ 13:04:03
That is interesting! I have never heard of this. I am going to give it some thought regarding my emotional health and get back with you.
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Feb 27, 2014 @ 13:14:05
That’s great! Sometimes it takes awhile to figure out how things apply to ourselves 🙂
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