In 2009 my husband and I realized time was running out for taking a family vacation –at least for our existing family unit. Both kids were seriously involved with their significant others and we knew it wouldn’t be long before there would be wedding bells. Change was fast approaching for family as we knew it. Happy for our soon-to-be-growing family, the vacation would be a bitter-sweet and symbolic farewell to the existing family structure.
Thus began the plans for what seemed like a fantasy trip for 4 to Scotland and Ireland. None of us had been to Europe and we all agreed experiencing a bit o’ Irish sounded like a lot of fun.
The planning was both exciting and stressful, as vacations are prone to be. However, stressful took on another level when my dad died during the planning stages and my PTSD symptoms exploded. His death launched an entire new wave of nightmares and flashbacks.
I struggled mightily to focus on planning the trip, not wanting to disappoint my kids. My mental state became fragile, my work suffered, and I spent many hours crying on the couch trying in vain to figure a way to escape my anxiety and not give up on the trip.
Somehow we got our itinerary finalized and bought the airline tickets. Three days later the Eyjafjallajökull volcano erupted in Iceland. The volcano may as well have been inside my head because my brain felt like it exploded too. I hadn’t realized how close to the cliff I’d been until the volcano blew.
Though we weren’t even scheduled to go through Iceland, I fell into a heightened state of fear and anxiety. Things felt so out of control externally that it translated into complete internal disaster. I was convinced I would be isolated and trapped with all the flight cancellations going on across Europe. I could not envision leaving the country and being in unfamiliar territory.
PTSD has no logic. My reactions were fully illogical, yet they were very real to me.
The chaos overseas closely matched that in my head. After a horrific couple of weeks, I finally had to give myself permission to say I just couldn’t go through with it. Telling my kids we had to change plans once again because of my anxiety and depression was agonizing.
I’d already told anyone who would listen about our trip and now I had to make up a reason why we weren’t going. The trip was several months away, so most people furrowed their eyebrows in confusion when I used the volcano as an excuse. I was embarrassed that my lack of emotional strength could affect me; and worse yet, my family, in such a drastic way. I could not, would not, admit to the truth to others about why we were canceling the trip.
The thought of letting my family down nagged at me, but it was many months before I realized that disappointment paled in comparison to the realization that once again my trauma had a life of its own and I had no control over it.
Unprocessed trauma and PTSD is a bad combination and the long term effects are staggering. Mental Health in general is a seriously underserved condition, and I hope the more we speak out in truth about it, the more positive attention it will receive.
I am grateful, and lucky, for the support of my therapist, husband, kids, and best friend who have seen me through such difficult recovery and healing. Because of them, I’ve come a long way in my willingness to reveal my depression and PTSD. It is unfortunate our society continues to heap stigma and shame to those trying to heal from mental health issues. It affects all families to one degree or another, if we’re honest.
How about you? How have you seen mental health issues affect those around you?
Mar 10, 2014 @ 06:15:20
So nice to meet you and find you (after you found my blog!). You write well, because you write so honestly, allowing yourself to show your pain and vulnerability. I have so much respect for you, and for the help you give to others by being willing to write about your pain, and your path.
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Mar 10, 2014 @ 17:45:45
Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. Speaking my truth has brought my healing to a whole new level.
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Feb 26, 2014 @ 05:28:09
Excellent post explaining the suffering one goes through when in the throws of Anxiety and PTSD attacks. Only those who have experienced this can fully understand. I fully understand. God bless you.
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Feb 26, 2014 @ 15:32:53
It helps to know others understand, though it saddens me to know why you would understand…
Thank you for stopping by. I enjoyed browsing your blog just now, too.
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Feb 25, 2014 @ 16:47:32
Reblogged this on Lori Lara and commented:
Thanks to my sweet friend Denise for sharing the real struggle of flashbacks and triggers and how they severely affect family life. Her blog is one of my very favorites…if you’ve never visited her blog, check it out. Real. Inspiring. Hope-filled.
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Feb 25, 2014 @ 16:43:43
Denise, I always appreciate your candor and vulnerability. I completely relate to your symptoms and shame about not sharing the real reason your trip was canceled. When those horrific flashbacks and triggers engage, my goodness, there’s just no talking or reasoning them away. They need to be healed.
You did well to take care of yourself first. As a mom, that’s tough to do. As a PTSD mom, it becomes a matter of life and death.
I’m so thankful to God for your recovery. The work you’ve done to heal is inspiring, and I love having you as a teammate to boldly megaphone through the silence of shame. So many people struggle in isolation, and that’s why our mission of healing is so important.
Thank you for leading the way…
Love to you.
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Feb 26, 2014 @ 15:27:11
Thanks, Lori, for your great love and encouragement. You know so well what it’s like, and knowing that is healing in and of itself.
We’re in this journey together…
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Feb 24, 2014 @ 15:49:21
Denise, you have such a refreshing way of sharing your feelings which I believe can help others to open up about their own. You also remind me there is a line between pushing past our comfort zone, and knowing when we simply aren’t able/ready to handle something. I still have a difficult time being able to trust my instincts and make such decisions. But, as you know, it’s a daily practice.
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Feb 26, 2014 @ 15:25:18
That’s a great point, Lisabethf. Finding the fine line between when we need to push ourselves and when it’s more harmful to do so is not an easy task.
It definitely daily practice.
Thanks for sharing your insight. I always enjoy hearing from you.
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Feb 21, 2014 @ 20:46:12
Thanks for sharing this. I strongly believe that what is real to me is real, and it needs to be dealt with as such. Wishing away fears is not a possibility. Thanks for reminding us of this!
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Feb 22, 2014 @ 08:34:50
Thanks, Allen, for understanding.
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Feb 18, 2014 @ 01:44:44
You have a lovely way of sharing your bravery. I love how you weave your words and tell a hard to share story. You inspire.
A simple and heartfelt thank you.
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Feb 18, 2014 @ 08:35:27
Thank you so much Daleen, you are very sweet.
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Feb 17, 2014 @ 16:05:07
Hi Denise
I am so sorry for the effects of a trauma which keep coming back but you are very brave and strong…the fact that you can communicate about it so well is the biggest relief. I think your strength emerges from your awareness to combat the return of PTSD and you are doing it so well.
I hope you will have a wonderful vacation in near future. Wishing you all the best.
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Feb 17, 2014 @ 17:40:28
Thanks Balroop!
I am realizing I should have mentioned that we ended up taking a nice vacation to Hawaii in 2010. It was a compromise we could all agree on, and I felt safe.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing.
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Feb 17, 2014 @ 13:59:43
It’s such a great thing to be able to talk about this, Denise. There is no use taking a vacation if it’s not going to be a vacation and relaxing for you. It takes far more courage to stop a plan i motion than just going along with it because feel like you have to. You are a very brave woman indeed xxx
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Feb 17, 2014 @ 17:39:05
Getting the subject out there is intimidating, but people like you make it a bit easier each time, Dianne.
Thanks for your support!
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Feb 17, 2014 @ 12:54:59
Good for you – for knowing yourself, for taking care of yourself. What should be so simple (taking care of yourself) is often an act of bravery.
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Feb 17, 2014 @ 17:38:20
Hi Denise, yes self-care is sometimes very foreign!
I know from your blog this is something you can relate to as well. We’re all in this together!
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Feb 17, 2014 @ 11:29:14
I have found that ‘baby steps’ help me combat my anxiety and depression. If an over-the-top trip to the far reaches of the world triggers my anxiety, then I scale back and keep the trip closer to home. Either visiting a place I’ve already seen but change it up to include new sights, or visiting a brand-new place that a trusted friend has recommended. Giving myself doable goals like that encourage me to think and plan for bigger the next time around.
I am sorry that PTSD has its hooks in you, Denise. I’m happy though that you have wonderful support from friends and family.
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Feb 17, 2014 @ 17:37:24
The baby steps approach is very wise, Kate. I should have mentioned that we ended up taking a vacation to Hawaii. It was a compromise I could handle, and the kids had never been there before so they were happy.
I’m glad you have found ways to manage depression and anxiety, too. It’s a challenge sometimes.
Thanks for weighing in on this.
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Feb 17, 2014 @ 09:11:28
So brave of you, once again, to share your deepest, darkness moments!! I agree with the others, it was definitely the right move to postpone. When the time is right and you all make the trip you will all be able to actually enjoy it and each other. Keep up the fight Denise, you’re winning!!!
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Feb 17, 2014 @ 17:34:33
Thank you, Arlene.
I should have mentioned that we ended up going to Hawaii and having a nice time. It wasn’t what we envisioned, but a good compromise anyhow.
I truly appreciate your support very much!
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Feb 17, 2014 @ 03:53:55
Also of note – most people think PTSD can only occur after being in a war zone. Not true! It is brought on by any traumatic or series of traumatic conditions. Thanks again, Denise, for putting yourself out there. Your honesty and strength continue to amaze me.
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Feb 17, 2014 @ 17:33:26
That’s a very important note, Karen. When I was first diagnosed, I struggled to understand how it could apply to me. But as I’ve learned more about the disorder, it actually makes perfect sense now.
Thank you for pointing this out.
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Feb 17, 2014 @ 03:12:47
I appreciate the way you talk about it openly and honestly. You describe your feelings very well, but I’m so sorry how this effects you. Triggers can be sneaky.
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Feb 17, 2014 @ 17:29:53
You’ve said that very well indeed. Triggers are very sneaky!
I’m thankful to say my triggers are less and less intense. Therapy provides an incredible healing.
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Feb 16, 2014 @ 21:58:13
Denise, Thank you for your honesty and the hope you bring to everyone suffering from a mental illness, including PTST. I have first hand experience with almost 30 years of PTSD. It’s taken me more years than I care to think about to realize PTSD can still hold me in a death grip whenever the right situation presents.
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Feb 17, 2014 @ 17:28:34
Hi Sheri, the more we speak out the more likely we can break down the barriers. PTSD affects more people than the general public would like to acknowledge. And as you know all too well, those with bipolar and other conditions are also unfairly judged, misdiagnosed, and shunned.
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Feb 16, 2014 @ 19:47:15
It isn’t a vacation if anyone is all stressed out, regardless of the reason. You were right to postpone until you could look forward to it again. Stress happens, and we all handle it differently.
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Feb 16, 2014 @ 20:56:40
It’s true, we all bring different ideas and different solutions to stressful situations. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
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Feb 16, 2014 @ 19:37:59
You really are amazing, being able to talk about stuff like that is what is paralyzing to me.
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Feb 16, 2014 @ 20:55:35
It was once paralyzing to me, too. We all have different gifts and different passions, your work for animals is incredibly important too. They are vulnerable and need someone like you to speak for them. So, in many ways, we are doing similar work.
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Feb 16, 2014 @ 19:10:28
Denise, I want to beat up on something when I realize how vulnerable you — and others — continue to be from traumatic experiences that were beyond your control. You may never know how much your willingness to talk about your experience will help others, and I salute you. Your choice in this instance showed a level of mental health and courage most of us will never know.
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Feb 16, 2014 @ 20:53:59
Hi Elizabeth, your anger is refreshing actually. So many people want to look the other way. My only reason for sharing my story is to help others so thank you for your heartfelt encouragement.
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Feb 16, 2014 @ 18:42:25
Sounds like canceling your trip is exactly what you needed to do for both your physical and mental health. You trusted your gut, and that’s a sixth sense too many of us often ignore.
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Feb 16, 2014 @ 20:52:01
Thanks, Carrie. Yes, I think sometimes pride gets in the way of good decision making.
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Feb 16, 2014 @ 18:42:19
Denise, once again I am amazed at not just your ability but your willingness to share your feelings. I have worked in the mental health field but so much there is textbook learning only for me. You bring it to life.
Like many other people, I have a mentally ill family member. It is difficult for the general public to understand how hard it is to get help for someone who is not a danger to himself or others but still cannot lead a normal, fulfilling life and, because he knows nothing different, he does not seek help on his own. I hope the day comes when our society will provide adequate services to those who need them so badly.
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Feb 16, 2014 @ 20:50:57
Thank you for your encouragement and sharing about your own family’s struggle in this area. It seems like we’ve made considerable progress in removing some of the shame about mental health, but there is considerable work to do.
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Feb 16, 2014 @ 18:28:00
Thanks for your courage and honesty Denise. I’m sorry to hear how strongly PTSD affects you. And I’m glad you have help and understanding. blessings, Brad
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Feb 16, 2014 @ 18:43:44
Thanks, Brad. Those intense triggers from PTSD are finally in my past, but there will always be lingering effects.
I appreciate hearing from you!
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