Friends and family were often at a loss of what to say or do around me when I was at my lowest points of depression. Though it may have come with the best intentions, people would sometimes trivialize my feelings or give me a checklist of things to do ‘move on.’ They would also suggest I be more appreciative that things weren’t worse. These responses actually worsened my state of mind. The people who helped me the most responded far differently.
The effects of depression/abuse/trauma trickle down to every layer of life. In general, depressed people have great difficulty with relationships; this includes marriage, parenting, friendship, work, and church. Those of us who have been abused have been taught that intimate relationships of all kinds, not just sexual, are dangerous. We have been deeply hurt and instinctively keep our emotional distance in order to be safe.
Speaking from experience, though, I can happily assure you change is possible. It’s because of a certain key people in my life that I’ve been able to make it this far. I’ve been on both sides of the coin –the one being helped and the one trying to help –and I wanted to share some ways I’ve learned to help.
Important Distinction
Some people respond to their depression by being very needy. This personality type needs support, but they also need firm boundaries. They need to be treated as if they are capable. Do not rescue or coddle them, as this only enables them to remain victims. It can also create caregiver burnout or resentment. Help them learn healthy independency.
Other people respond by being very self-sufficient. This personality is often very hesitant to ask for help. If they do ask, it is a sign they may be feeling accepted by you. No matter how small the request seems to you, it is probably a big step for them to ask. Help them learn healthy dependency.
Here are ways to support either type of friend:
- Listen. Sometimes all we need is an ear. We don’t expect you to understand or to have a solution. We just want to be heard; sometimes for the first time in our lives.
- Acknowledge/Accept. After you’ve heard what we’ve decided to share, we need to feel accepted. Most of what we’ve known so far is rejection, either real or perceived. We need something that communicates acceptance. An immediate response such as a hug can be very reassuring. For long term, the stability and continuity of your relationship shows you aren’t judging or rejecting.
- Encourage them to seek professional help. Depression can affect many areas of health, and it’s important to address it promptly.
- Research. Reading books and blogs from others who have been through depression can be very enlightening. The more you understand what your friend is going through trying to heal, the better you can support them.
It is important to remember you are not responsible for your friend’s feelings. You didn’t cause their depression, and you can’t cure it. Walking through it with them is one of the most valuable gifts you can give someone who’s depressed.
How about you? What are some other ways to help someone who is depressed?
Feb 13, 2014 @ 12:09:21
This is such terrific advice, Denise. I have only recently realized that my tendency to rush in and try to fix things for people I care about can be not helpful at all, in spite of my good intentions. Thank you for showing a better way.
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Jan 29, 2014 @ 14:01:43
Extremely helpful! Thanks, and nice to find your blog.
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Jan 29, 2014 @ 14:12:03
Thank you! I am happy you found me, too. I was browsing over at yours and see we have some common friends! 🙂
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Jan 29, 2014 @ 14:36:31
Like minds think alike, and share like-minded good people!!!
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Jan 29, 2014 @ 11:23:21
sorry, but my first comment appeared:”Your comment is awaiting moderation.”
friendly hugs, Mélanie
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Jan 28, 2014 @ 02:27:00
Bonjour Denise! interesting and emotional post and vast topic, merci! Someone told me the other day:”we can’t help out people against their will…” – and I did/do agree… my very best and friendly greetings, Mélanie
* * *
P.S.“Do not turn away from despair by cowardice. Get across it! You’ll find a reason to hope beyond it. Go on straight ahead and step over it. You will see the light at the other end of the tunnel.”(André Gide)
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Jan 29, 2014 @ 10:54:03
Hi Mélanie,
Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting.
It’s very true we cannot help people outside their will. If we want something for them more than they do it will never happen.
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Jan 27, 2014 @ 01:09:39
A clear and helpful post, Denise. It’s difficult, you know, as in deep depression I didn’t want to talk to anyone. In fact, I hid my depression behind a happy mask, to keep people at bay, keep them from getting close and discovering my “defect”.
You’ve given sound advice here though, just excellent.
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Jan 29, 2014 @ 10:51:32
Hey Noeleen! Ah, the happy mask!! I’ve nearly suffocated behind that mask many times. LOL
Thanks for stopping by!
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Jan 26, 2014 @ 18:42:02
This is an excellent post, Denise. I’ve been through depression…and had one friend in particular who helped me through it by believing in me, hearing me, and holding me accountable. You make an important point about the distinction between how different personality types may, or may not, as for help and how best to provide support.
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Jan 29, 2014 @ 10:50:40
Thanks, Linda. It has been a learning curve for me as I learned I’m too independent and used to attract friends who were too dependent. Finding that balance is tricky.
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Jan 26, 2014 @ 13:11:53
thanks for the message.. sometimes I am just too busy to listen to what my mind or actions are telling me.. and other times I am too busy working hard on all the wrong things… thanks for giving me a wake up call.
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Jan 29, 2014 @ 10:49:44
HI Clay, thanks for sharing your thoughts. It can be hard to break away from everyday life and see things differently sometimes. I’m glad you are willing to pause and reflect on this. It’s a sign of a good friend! 🙂
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Jan 25, 2014 @ 03:58:41
I totally agree on the ‘trivializing.’ I’ve had people respond as such when I was trying to overcome a hurdle with platitudes like, “It’s not really a big deal,” or “You shouldn’t feel that way…” If I encounter someone, even in just a bad mood, I try to listen, ask questions, offer to listen whenever they need it. Good post, Denise.
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Jan 25, 2014 @ 12:59:12
The trivializing is incredibly demeaning and undermining. I’ve come to the conclusion people who say “You shouldn’t feel that way…” are too threatened by our feelings and just want us to turn it off before they feel their own.
Thanks for your insight, Karen.
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Jan 24, 2014 @ 14:34:51
Denise – Acceptance, acceptance and more acceptance. I must recognize that I’m not responsible for the depression of anyone other than my own (it took me a very long time to learn such simple logic). Once I discovered I’m not responsible for the happiness of those I love, it instantly became much easier to accept I wasn’t responsible for fixing everyone. What a wonderful relief for both myself and the other person.
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Jan 24, 2014 @ 16:29:44
Relief!! Yes! When I was first learning to not fix other people it was anxiety producing to let go and let them just be. But now it is an incredible relief. (to both of us, like you said, too)
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Jan 24, 2014 @ 14:04:14
Great advice here, Denise. I think it is very hard to help someone who is depressed. I have found that just listening is a first step that usually transcends into more effective help. There is less pressure on both parties to “fix” what’s wrong.
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Jan 24, 2014 @ 16:28:45
Yes, once the ‘fix it’ is out of the picture it’s much easier to just Be.
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Jan 24, 2014 @ 12:50:39
This is a wonderful post, Denise. The word ‘judging’ really stuck with me here. If people are in need of help the worst thing we can do is judge. Fantastic tips here – thank you 😀
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Jan 24, 2014 @ 16:28:07
Hi Dianne, I’m glad you found them helpful. Thanks for letting me know!
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Jan 24, 2014 @ 09:26:17
Thank you for posting on this topic, Denise!
It really can be so difficult knowing how to be a good friend. I’ve lived enough to know how trite most attempts at consolation come across. I try to avoid those…and often find myself at the opposite extreme of not doing much because I’m not sure what to do.
I have found, though, that sometimes simply recognizing and acknowledging someone’s pain can be very healing. I’ve been on both sides of this experience, and it can, at times, be profound.
SImply saying, “You look very sad, today” or “You appear to be upset” can sometimes be huge.
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Jan 24, 2014 @ 16:26:04
It’s very hard to find that balance, isn’t it Joe?
I like your idea of making an honest comment as a way of reaching out. It can be incredibly huge.
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Jan 24, 2014 @ 08:15:30
Love the wisdom! Thanks, Denise.
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Jan 24, 2014 @ 16:25:06
Hi Kathy, thanks for stopping by.
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Jan 24, 2014 @ 06:05:06
Denise, this is such a well written blog post that can help a lot of people. Thanks for sharing such great tips!
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Jan 24, 2014 @ 07:43:20
Thanks, Arlene. So glad you found them helpful!
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 18:37:12
Denise, I couldn’t agree with you more that your own friends and family underestimate your depression. Unless such a state of mind is acknowledged, it is not possible to help. Many times, there may be people around us who just do lip sympathy…you know only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches…and they fail to understand how deep the hurt may have gone.
Those who don’t ask for help are more vulnerable, they suffer alone, they may slip into what is called clinical depression and it is quite hard for them to accept that they need to talk about their causes and hurts.
I am glad you can understand the ways of healing so well despite being self sufficient! Writing your thoughts down is the greatest self help and you are doing it so well.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 20:53:27
Thanks, Balroop. I’ve never heard that saying about the shoe pinching but it certainly fits!
Good friends who listen and just let us be where we are give us an enormous gift of healing and acceptance.
Thanks for sharing your valuable insight!
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 17:25:32
Great post, Denise. Spooky timing… I was just finishing a similar piece today.
Having gone through healing from major depression and PTSD, one of the most influential phrases someone said to me was, “Lori, you’re not always going to feel this way.” Those words pierced the depression fog, even for a second, and it helped immensely. Depression has a way of taking over our entire operating system, and so basic concepts like ‘this is just a phase’ or ‘it will get better’ or ‘this pain is temporary’ don’t flow naturally.
Oh, the power of encouragement.
When I was face down crying in my closet, I borrowed heavily on the hope of other people who’d made their way through their childhood trauma and depression. That’s probably why I write, and you write, and other bloggers in recovery write. We just can’t forget our brothers and sisters who are still trapped. That pain is just too real to us…
I love your heart, Denise…may God bless you as you continue to share your story. And may many people be healed through your ministry of hope.
Big hugs!
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 20:51:48
That’s so true, Lori -the encouragement of someone who has been there before us is an incredible ray of hope.
I have been encouraged by your story as well, and am always grateful we found each other’s blogs.
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Jan 25, 2014 @ 19:48:52
😘 looking forward to talking with you soon. Lots to catch up on.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 16:07:50
Just being there and listening, acknowledging, is sometimes all that’s needed.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 20:49:16
So simple, yet so profound!
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 15:04:44
thanks for the wonderful advice )
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 20:48:36
and thanks for stopping by!
🙂
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 14:59:24
Denise, this is a wonderful post. When I was barely surviving depression, the people who helped me most were the ones who cared about me. They didn’t try to care for me, or solve my problems or tell me how to solve my own. They just liked me. They were willing to spend time with me. We didn’t talk about depression. We didn’t talk about coulda-shoulda-woulda…we just talked about stuff. The little stuff of life. The stuff that let me know I was still alive and still a part of their life.
On another tack…To help one of us hopelessly self-sufficient types accept help, it might be useful to use the analogy of a cell phone battery. No matter how good the phone nor how good the battery, periodically you have to recharge the battery or the phone won’t work. I’m sure you can work out the rest of the analogy from there to suit the particular situation.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 20:48:20
The cell phone battery is a great analogy, Esther.
Sounds like you have some very strong and healthy friends in your inner circle.
Thanks for sharing !
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 14:37:51
Maybe asking “What can I do to help?” if they come to you. Like you said it is a sign of acceptance, comfort with the other person. What if it is a time of just letting it all spill out, not about seeking advice. By asking “Are you comfortable with me offering advice or do you want me to just listen?” may give them a sense of control and additional reassurance they’re placing trust in a worthy person. Women in particular solve problems by talking through it and can often find their own solutions if they process things enough. Establishing expectations is good relationship advice, not just for depressed or traumatized people.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 20:47:04
Yes, that’s a great idea to just come out and ask what they need. And to ask if they are looking for advice or not.
Your comment about establishing expectations is a great one! Thanks so much for sharing your ideas.
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Jan 24, 2014 @ 12:37:35
It can be hard for the depressed or traumatized person to come out and say “I need you to just listen” or “I am going to talk but I want to hear some suggestions.” They’re feeling vulnerable as it is. My husband is a “fixer” but sometimes I just want him to listen, not fix. Both of us could get better at stating those expectations upfront and it can spare a lot of hurt feelings. Just something I learned and am trying to practice myself.
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Jan 24, 2014 @ 16:27:41
I appreciate the suggestion, it hadn’t occurred to me and it’s really great! It’s not been easy learning to turn off the Fix It tape in my head!
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 14:10:43
When my adult son had depression he shunned all love for himself or anyone else making it difficult to communicate because he viewed himself as hopeless with no future. However when I saw opportunities to talk to him I occasionally saw a spark of recognition in his eyes that told me he was listening. I reminded him that he had the ability to overcome his depression. It took two years of one step forward and two steps back but eventually he shook off his depression and now leads a much happier life.
The method I used that seemed to help him was not to smother or coddle but to be rational and talk about what he could do to help himself. It was important to know when to say things and when to hold back. I treated the situation like I would in the case of frightened animal, providing just enough love and security to stop them running away scared.
Trying to help my son overcome depression was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life, but I’d do it again if need be. Love Jenna
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 20:45:52
What a wonderful gift you gave your son, Jenna. Finding the balance is not easy. It sounds like you did a fantastic job of it.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 14:03:56
this is very helpful. Thank you.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 20:44:42
Thanks, Diana. It makes my day to know so. 🙂
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 14:01:07
Sometimes it’s hard for people who don’t understand depression to deal with those suffering from it. Your suggestions are very helpful in their specificity. Wonderful post.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 20:44:11
Thanks Carrie. Depression can be intimidating -I’m glad you thought my suggestions were helpful. I appreciate hearing from you.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 13:45:16
Important post, Denise. People tend to feel they need to offer comments and advice when not asked for, well intended as it is, and it doesn’t seem to help much. The points you mentioned, especially listening and accepting are things that have helped me. Thank you.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 20:43:13
That seems to be resonating with several people -the listening and not trying to ‘fix’. Many of us just want to be heard and accepted.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it’s always good to hear from you.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 13:11:45
Thank you for such powerful insight. It was a pleasure learning from you. Really explained better, how I can be a more useful and informed friend.
Thanks for sharing. You are making a difference.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 20:42:00
Thanks, Daleen, that really means a lot to hear.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 12:58:14
Thanks for the insight, Denise. It is nice to hear from someone who knows, to help me better understand.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 20:41:07
Hi Char, thanks for stopping by. I’m glad you found this helpful.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 12:42:22
An important topic Denise. I wish I knew how to ask for help when I’ve been depressed. I think # 2 acceptance or compassion might be the most valuable gift we can offer someone who is depressed, or anyone really.
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 12:52:36
I agree, Brad. That has been incredibly healing for me when I’ve experienced it.
Asking for help is still hard for me. Self Sufficient to a fault…sigh.
Always great to hear from you!
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Jan 23, 2014 @ 18:02:59
Thanks Denise, Nice to hear from you too. Glad to hear you’re making progress.
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