Thanksgiving Day has arrived here in the States.
A sense of gratitude arrived with it early this morning. It blanketed me ever so softly with comfort and peace even as I sit with uncertainty. Calm such as this truly is a gift from God.
I had my mammogram recently; a few months overdue. I know… I know it’s important. But it hurts. I don’t care how many people say it doesn’t, it does.
The same tech who’s done my mammograms for over 15 years flattened my breasts into pancakes once again. Each smashing was accompanied with apologies and assurances it would be over soon. “Be still and hold your breath, hon.” We did this several times and I waited for the okay to get my shirt back on. She scrutinized the screen with a practiced eye, then dismissed me to the dressing room. When I pulled the curtain back, she said “You’ll get a call in a few days saying everything is fine, or you need to come back. But you’ll get a call either way.” I guess this is to lessen the anxiety about seeing your doctor’s number on the incoming caller ID.
Sure enough, I got a call last week saying they’d seen something ‘suspicious’ and wanted me to come back for a re-check.
It was far back in the recess of my mind until last Friday morning when I started thinking about the fact that I’ve never had a re-check for a mammogram before. I met up with my best friend for a walk on my way to the clinic and debated whether or not to tell her. She’s had two close friends diagnosed with the big C this year. But, I knew if it were the other way around, I’d want to know so I decided to tell her. Without hesitating, she offered to go with me. Though I declined her offer, it meant a lot to me because it was genuine.
My mammo-friend from last week was at the counter when I checked in, and despite the years of handling my breasts she didn’t recognize me, even though only one week had passed since our last encounter. Then again, I guess she doesn’t really focus on the faces, now does she? A different tech led me down the hall for my re-check.
She showed me the screen shot of last week’s mammogram and it looked like a moonscape. Let’s face it, the inside of a breast really isn’t the prettiest thing to look at. Nerves, blood vessels, milk ducts, fat. But she narrowed in on two tiny flecks of white. “These are normal calcifications,” she explained. Then she directed my attention to another area. “Those two spots are isolated singular calcifications, but this area has what we call a cluster.” She went on to explain the significance of clusters but my mind had already wandered to the Sandra Bullock movie “28 Days” and how they made a fake soap opera and someone had brain clusters. It was funny in the movie.
We turned to the pancake-making machine and she said she’d be attaching a magnifier to really show off my cluster. This tech didn’t have cold, clammy hands like the other one, but it was still awkward having my breasts placed on a glass shelf, then smashed until it took away the breath I was supposed to be holding.
I thought about how much radiation I’d gotten in one week and wondered how good that is for my body. I thought about my Grandma and wondered what it was like when she was diagnosed so many years ago.
The tech left the room and I waited in my fashionable gown that ties in the back. Finally, she came to tell me I could go across the hall and discuss the findings with the doc. The room was still dark when I entered. Doc turned the light on and shook my hand. It wasn’t quite a dead fish handshake, but nearly. I decided I really shouldn’t be judging someone’s handshake when they were about to tell me something important.
My breast took up the entire screen and I have to say it looked like a double E right about then. I didn’t have time to imagine what it would be like to have Dolly Parton’s cup size, though, because she launched right into what we were looking at. The cluster. It looked like someone flicked old-fashioned White Out toward the screen and a few spots stuck to the screen. All very innocent looking to me.
I really tried to concentrate on what she was telling me, but my mind wandered again. I felt fear snaking its way in the room and it took energy to shoo it away. I heard doc say because it’s different than my previous mammograms, and in a cluster that’s what’s causing the concern. If it had been there before, they wouldn’t really be too concerned. My mind wandered some more. Because of my family history, I had the gene test done a few years ago, and it came up negative. What about that, I wondered. Doc’s voice came back. It is probably just fine, she said. She recommended a biopsy to be sure. This is good, I know. I looked it up later, 80% of biopsies are benign.
So hubby took me to have the biopsy Monday and the results should be available soon. No matter what my outcome is, I realize it’s these scary, hard times that remind me of what I have to be thankful for. I’ve discovered the joy of writing and blogging, I reconciled with my mom, I’m developing healthy new friendships, and my faith in God continues to grow. He is good, even when times are hard. Maybe especially when times are hard.
I am incredibly blessed by the unconditional love from my husband, kids, and best friend. They’ve listened and understood me to the best of their abilities. They have helped me heal and grow in ways I never thought possible. I have so much to be grateful for no matter what my diagnosis is. So even in the waiting, or perhaps because of the waiting, I am thankful.
**UPDATE: Thank you every0ne for your wonderful support and concern. My test came back negative -all’s well!!!
What are you thankful for?
Jan 11, 2014 @ 12:12:47
Though I’m reading this long after the event, I’m so pleased that all is well for you. May 2014 be healthy and happy for you.
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Jan 12, 2014 @ 11:42:56
Thanks, Sally!
You’re so sweet, I appreciate the support very much!
Happy New Year to you and your family 😉
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Jan 02, 2014 @ 04:19:09
My goodness, you were so brave to share your story.
I sent up a prayer of Thanksgiving that you are fine.
I wish you encouragement and Health and wellness in the brand New fresh year.
Sounds like you have wonderful people in your life.
May you continue to be bathed in the Grace of friendship. True, meaningful friendship.
Daleen
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Jan 02, 2014 @ 11:04:39
Thanks, Daleen!
Happy New Year to you as well!
I got good news the day after Thanksgiving that everything is fine. Your good wishes are very appreciated!
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Dec 04, 2013 @ 17:46:54
I am so glad to hear that your results were negative! What wonderful news to receive for the Thanksgiving holiday!
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Dec 05, 2013 @ 05:15:09
Thank you, JM. So true!
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Dec 02, 2013 @ 12:10:36
I am glad to hear the results were negative, Denise!!!
My wife’s best friend has breast cancer and is going through chemo treatments right now (my wife is taking her for her treatment tomorrow). If I had any enemies, I wouldn’t wish that on them. So glad that you don’t!
This Thanksgiving I was/am most thankful that our first grandchild (a boy) was born (11/26) strong and healthy. As you said, God is good!
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Dec 02, 2013 @ 19:57:30
Congrats on your grandson, Bill! That must be so exciting!
Thanks for your concern and support. I am very happy to have this behind me.
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Dec 02, 2013 @ 11:50:45
With you all the way. I’m bookmarking your blog. Please keep us updated
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Dec 02, 2013 @ 19:56:23
Thank you so so very much!
The call came in, test is clear! Whooo Hooo!!!
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Dec 02, 2013 @ 11:38:09
Scary stuff, Denise. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I’m so glad you are surrounded by loving family and friends!
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Dec 02, 2013 @ 19:55:21
Thank you, Kate! Got a call that’s all is well!!!!!
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Dec 03, 2013 @ 04:12:52
Hooray!
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Dec 02, 2013 @ 08:49:51
It can be a scary stressful time and it’s really good that it’s being met with gratitude. Yes, the statistics are in your favor it’s benign but still that 20 percent is a big number. Holding you in my prayers and thoughts for good news. And, if there’s every anything I can do to be there for you, feel free to e-mail me. Women’s health is my specialty. Love to you, Paulette
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Dec 02, 2013 @ 19:54:48
What a comforting offer, Paulette! Thank you so much! I am happy to report they called to say my test came back clear 😉
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Dec 03, 2013 @ 07:43:17
Thank goodness!!! That’s a big relief and great news to receive right before the holidays. Very happy for you. Love, Paulette
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Dec 02, 2013 @ 07:07:42
So glad your tests came back fine! That’s fantastic news, Denise!
Thank you, for sharing this story. The waiting truly is difficult.
I loved what you said here: “I’ve discovered the joy of writing and blogging, I reconciled with my mom, I’m developing healthy new friendships, and my faith in God continues to grow. He is good, even when times are hard. Maybe especially when times are hard.”
So true!
I’m thankful for you and your blog ministry. Thankful for the encouragement and insights we’ve shared with each other. Thankful for my sweet family. Thankful, mostly, for the comforting presence of the Holy Spirit, through all of life’s ups and downs!
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Dec 02, 2013 @ 07:39:33
Thanks, Joe. I feel the same way about you and your blog. The blogging community has really confirmed that wonderful, genuine people are out there. It’s provided a unique way to narrow right in to find each other and grow together.
Thanks for sharing all you’re thankful for, too. It’s good to know others can be satisfied with the ‘small’ things in life (that really aren’t that small after all). Blessings to you, Joe.
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Dec 02, 2013 @ 01:28:17
Dear Denise,
The times waiting for the mammogram results after being called back for a second testing can be nail-biting at best. You inspire me with your peace and your strength. This year is my third year after my mastectomy and chemotherapy. And I was called back for a re-test as well and I remember the blessed relief when it was an all clear and my husband and I went out to celebrate with flowers and my favourite sushi. These little milestones in life. I know it has been Thanksgiving in your heart for the last 15 years and I know it will be for the next 50!! Hugs and here’s to celebrating life. Sharon
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Dec 02, 2013 @ 07:37:12
Thank you for sharing your story of healing and victory, Sharon! I’m thrilled for you -and the celebration sounds wonderful!
I was happy to get my good report Friday morning, too! Hugs right back atcha!
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Dec 02, 2013 @ 07:45:28
HURRAY!!! That certainly calls for a celebration Denise! Wonderful wonderful! Hugs and you are an inspiration.
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Dec 02, 2013 @ 19:53:36
Yes, a celebration indeed! 😉
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Dec 01, 2013 @ 14:20:12
Peace and prayers to you. May your thanks be overflowing!
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Dec 01, 2013 @ 14:35:46
Thank you, Allen. And to you as well!
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Dec 01, 2013 @ 01:00:16
I am so very glad to hear your excellent news!
All the Best,
Daniela
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Nov 30, 2013 @ 17:01:49
Dear Denise,
I am sending you my very best wishes from across the oceans!
Like in most of your writings, there is a strength and resolve, gratefulness and love in this one too … it is all that is needed.
I am grateful for each and every day of being alive … because life is a gift, and a precious gift at that.
Take Care,
Daniela
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Nov 30, 2013 @ 17:59:21
Thank you, Daniela! The online support from people such as yourself has been so appreciated! I did get news yesterday that my test came back fine.
You’re so right about each day being a gift!
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Nov 30, 2013 @ 15:20:45
I’m thankful for my loved ones, given and chosen family, that have loved me through all of life’s ups and downs. I’m also thankful that you are okay! 🙂
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Nov 30, 2013 @ 16:49:56
I love this: “given and chosen family” !!
Well said, Laura!
Thanks for the well wishes, too!
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Nov 30, 2013 @ 14:00:07
You are brave, Denise, forging forward. I am so so glad the tests were fine. I had a mammogram once, only once. It was HORRIBLE.
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Nov 30, 2013 @ 14:42:48
Thanks, Noeleen. They are horrible, aren’t they?
I’d like to encourage you to consider going again, though, since some types of cancers can’t be felt during self exams.
Thanks for stopping by…
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Nov 30, 2013 @ 11:52:13
Denise, I just read your post and saw your reply that the test came back fine. I’m so happy for you, and also inspired by your strength and calm during that waiting process. I’ve been through that myself before and understand how long and painful the wait can be. Your post is a beautiful reminder that we can find beauty and experience gratitude even during the most difficult times in life. Thank you and take care.
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Nov 30, 2013 @ 12:06:19
You’re back! I was so surprised and happy to see your name here! Thank you for your well wishes. I just read your latest post and am so grateful to know you found the help you needed at the time you needed it. I’m not sure how my ‘follow’ got undone, but I’ve remedied it now and look forward to reading more of your journey when you are ready to share.
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Nov 30, 2013 @ 01:15:03
Phew! I am whooping with you all across the Atlantic.
Now enjoy the weekend
Love Denise
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Nov 30, 2013 @ 09:04:02
I heard that! 😉
Now to wait on your results and your hubby’s too.
Keeping you both in my prayers.
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Nov 29, 2013 @ 18:58:57
I’m so thankful the test results were negative. I’ve gone through that waiting like so many others have. No fun at all!
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Nov 29, 2013 @ 19:25:20
Thank you Esther!
Sisters in waiting 😉
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Nov 29, 2013 @ 16:05:43
Denise, I’m thankful for you, your blog, your counsel, and how you have affected my life as someone I have never met in person. Blessings. You have my support. Diane
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Nov 29, 2013 @ 18:47:36
Thank you, Diane! It’s people like you who make such a difference in the world! I’m so blessed to have connected with you. Thanks for your support, and praise God my test came back fine! whoop whoop!
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Nov 29, 2013 @ 11:00:08
Hey Denise – thinking of you, and keep us posted, ‘kay?
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Nov 29, 2013 @ 13:19:21
Thank you, Denise!
Just found out my test came back fine!!
Whoop, Whoop!!
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Nov 29, 2013 @ 13:40:51
So rejoicing with you! Praise the Lord!!!!!
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Nov 29, 2013 @ 13:51:35
Thanks, Kathy!!!
Yes, indeed!
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Nov 29, 2013 @ 13:54:48
And a big, huge WOO-HOO right back!
Phew! ;o)
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Nov 29, 2013 @ 03:36:31
I have been in your shoes, Denise. The waiting stinks. I am sending prayers and good wishes your way, in hopes that all is “negative.” I am thankful that there are so many ways to fight the big C, now more than ever, and I am grateful you have a loving family and friends (real live bodies and online) to stand by you.
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Nov 29, 2013 @ 04:56:20
Hi Karen, thanks for your awesome support!
You made a good point about friends “real live bodies and online” because my online friends are important to me, too. Non-bloggers might not ‘get’ that, but I’ve found it to be true. It’s because of people just like you, Karen!
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 22:47:19
What an inspiring post Denise, you are amazing. I’m sending all my powers of love to you hoping your test results come back “all clear”. I am very happy so many things in you life are falling into place giving you reason to be grateful. Love Jenna 🙂 p.s I totally agree that mammograms hurt a lot.
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Nov 29, 2013 @ 04:53:23
Thanks for the good wishes, Jenna.
Timing is everything, right?
Being stronger, and having a support network in place makes a big difference.
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 17:21:57
Scary stuff Denise. You’re being brave! I Also went through this and it came back negative. It will for you too!
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Nov 29, 2013 @ 04:52:20
Feeling Good, Susanna!
Happy for your results, thanks for sharing!!
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 16:17:28
Praying for you, Denise…let’s talk soon.
P.S. I’m thankful for you. 🙂
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Nov 29, 2013 @ 04:51:36
Thanks, Lori…Yes, let’s!
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 09:08:32
Hope all is well with you. Keeping positive and counting blessings is always a great way to handle stress. Have a Happy Thanksgiving.
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 10:15:15
Thanks! Feeling great!
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, as well!
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 08:48:26
Sounds like a healthy perspective. Sending you good wishes for this step on your path.
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 10:17:11
Thank you! It’s a good season to reflect and shift perspectives!
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 08:30:40
Must be boob month!..I realy enjoyed this witty and ironic view of a mamogram and recall. Actually when I had smaller boobs t was very painful to try to flatten them, now they are bigger and saggier it’s better.
.I too have been having pains in my beasts for a couple of months , but becuse I have been concentrating so much on my husbands cancer and waiting for his results, I put off going to the doctor. until this week.
Meanwhile we await test results, to see if the cancer has been zapped, Why does it take so long? Somehow this waiting is the worse part and I notice my usually jolly husband is quieter than usual and sleeping the days away.
This morning I found something I wrote, from somewhere at the start of my husbands illness it said. “don’t try to figure out a way through this on your own, put your hand in the hand of whatever higher power you can find (even if it is the doctors) and walk alongside them.” I don’t know who said it but wise words indeed! but sometimes I forget.
I am not American, but today we yave spent finding, things to be grateful for.
Love Denise
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 08:41:22
A friend emailed me 2 days ago 4 simple but powerful words:
“Waiting takes too long.”
We are united in our wait…and in our gratitude no matter what.
Thanks for stopping by, Denise.
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 08:30:40
Wow, Denise, What a personal and honest sharing. I admire your courage and faith. Sounds like the blessings, wisdom and love are growing in your life. Happy Thanksgiving and prayers to you. Blessings, Brad
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 08:42:28
Thank you, Brad.
I’ve come to the conclusion that we need the hard times to allow our perspectives to surface again.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 08:55:42
I’m reluctantly embracing the same idea! Thanks!
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 08:21:04
Happy Thanksgiving! And thank you for sharing. Cancer is scary, but we are making great strides in treatment. Keeping my fingers crossed for you. 🙂
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 08:25:37
Thanks, Ruth!
Happy Thanksgiving!
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 07:57:15
Thank you for sharing this journey, Denise. I also had a second testing a month ago and it’s a scary process. I pray you’ll hear the same thing I did: no problem. Please, Lord, give that result to Denise also.
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 08:02:02
Thanks so much, Kathy.
Someone yesterday told me she’s had it done 3 times and benign every time.
I’m feeling good.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 07:49:44
Praying this morning for you to be enveloped with a peace that passes understanding. Waiting can be so hard.
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 07:52:33
Thank you, Linda.
Somehow I crossed a threshold this morning, and it isn’t as hard as it was.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 07:41:25
Hi Denise,
I am really amazed at the vivid description of such serious tests you have managed to give! You could paint a scary yet witty picture of such a grim situation! I appreciate your grit and optimistic spirit which will surely win. All will be well, Denise.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 07:47:56
Thanks, Balroop.
Yes, all will be well, of this I am certain.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 07:02:17
I hope you hear the best ever news; that it’s nothing to worry about. Fingers crossed for you, my friend!
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Nov 28, 2013 @ 07:06:42
Thank you! I am incredibly at peace about it! Hope you have a wonderful holiday!
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