Dear Denise,
I understand how trapped, lonely, and sad you feel right now. Being ten years old is hard enough without the added burden of an abusive home.
Dad is a mean and angry man. He takes it out on anyone he can overpower, and many times that ends up being you. This isn’t your fault -it’s not because of anything you’ve done, or not done. I know how hard you try to do the right things so he’ll say nice things to you. I know how much it would mean to you for him to say he’s sorry for the awful things he’s done. He is supposed to take care of you, not hurt you.
Mom doesn’t protect you because she’s busy surviving him in her own way. Unfortunately, that means she can’t let herself see what’s happening to you. She uses the wine to escape into her fun, happy world. It makes things easier for her, but harder for you. I know one day you will be angry with her about this, but then you’ll begin to understand it better and you’ll find a way to forgive her for it. It won’t erase the pain, but it will make the anger go away.
You might find this hard to believe right now, but you are strong enough to escape the abuse. One day you’ll get away; dad will try very hard to keep you trapped, but you’re stronger than he expects. There will be much pain involved, but it will be a different kind of pain than what you are going through now.
By leaving, you won’t only be protecting yourself, you’ll be protecting two beautiful and precious kids of your own. You will defend and shield them from dad even when your kids don’t understand why. You will give them a chance at normal. Incredibly, your kids will teach you more about love, life, forgiveness, joy and grace than you could imagine. You’ll be amazed at how much you will love them and will sometimes stay awake at night thanking God for them.
You will marry a very special man who will stick by you even when he’s at his wit’s end not understanding all the torment, terror, and nightmares you’ll relive while recovering. He will choose to grow in his own ways and it will help you have a stronger marriage. You will be grateful to him for being a good dad to your kids and for supporting your recovery.
There will be important people in your life over the years. Many of them will move away after a short time living nearby, but they will provide stepping stones of havens until you can escape on your own. You’ll make special friends who will become a big part of your journey. In your dysfunction, you will hurt some, and some will hurt you, causing you to be afraid to open up to new friendships. But once you do, you’ll find the most amazing gift of genuine and healing friendship. One friend in particular will help you learn that despite misunderstandings and disagreements, if you talk it out in truth and vulnerability, you will grow closer.
Denise, you do have some difficult years ahead of you, but once you go through a fire and emerge on the other side, you will be a new person, re-defined and more passionate than ever. I should warn you that sometimes there are small fires and sometimes there are bigger ones. It will always be hard going through the fire, but you’ll grow stronger and more resilient each time.
One day you’ll decide to share your story; at first with just a few people, and then with many. Initially, you’ll be afraid to share, because you were threatened not to talk. But, you’ll find out telling the truth is healing. You will be so surprised when people start telling you that by sharing your pain, it helps them face their own. It will become a life mission – to keep healing and helping others discover they can heal and be transformed, too.
When you get discouraged, please remember, God has called you to do this. He will give you strength and courage when you don’t have it yourself. He will never cease to amaze you with the power of healing and forgiveness. When you want to give up is the very time you will grow the most.
You will make it; of this I’m sure.
Dec 08, 2016 @ 20:12:44
Thanks for the good cry, I needed it and can kinda relate ❤ ❤
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Jun 07, 2014 @ 05:24:12
This essay needs to be required reading, once a month, for everyone between the ages of 10 and 100. I’m serious. Lots of great advance notice on what’s coming…
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Jun 07, 2014 @ 20:09:14
Thanks Rich. My goal is to give hope to those struggling with similar situations as I went through.
Thank you for stopping by.
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Nov 23, 2013 @ 19:29:03
Oh!! Denise….This is so touching! my heart goes out to you for bearing all this and reassuring yourself, for the forbearance you must have needed, for the body and nerves of steel and the still a tender heart, full of love!! and emerging stronger, victorious, vanquishing all the demons around you! I must say I am proud of you, Denise!
And I admire you for having the courage to share it.
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Nov 24, 2013 @ 07:09:23
Thank you, Balroop, for such kind support!
Are you familiar with the poem “Footprints in the Sand”?
It describes much of my life, certainly my childhood.
I may do a post on that one day…
Basically it’s about God carrying us in our most despairing times when we can’t do it ourselves.
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Oct 06, 2013 @ 17:49:07
This IS a powerful letter. Have you shared your testimony yet? Would you like to on my blog? Let me know if you are interested? Just share of a really difficult time in your life and how God helped grow and gave you victory. Let me know if you are interested.
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Oct 07, 2013 @ 07:20:22
What a lovely invitation! I would be honored to. I’ll email you separately about this. Thank you,
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Oct 02, 2013 @ 11:45:40
One of the best letters to your significantly younger self that I’ve ever read. Recovery into a world of freedom is the ultimate joy for those of us that only knew darkness.
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Oct 02, 2013 @ 18:51:00
Well said, Sheri, well said. For many years I could not really fathom what my therapist meant when she referred to ‘freedom’. Once I got a taste of it…it all became very clear. Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing. You and your husband are in my thoughts as you travel down a difficult journey, too.
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Oct 01, 2013 @ 00:43:21
This is so thoroughly excellent. I didn’t know this of your past, Denise, and I am sorry. God, had no idea.
I am glad you’ve made it to a good partner in life like you promised yourself, to the holidays, to the now. Wonderful post.
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Oct 02, 2013 @ 10:18:12
Thanks, Noeleen. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts.
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Sep 30, 2013 @ 10:57:51
Wow, Denise, that’s one powerful letter!
I heard that our earthly dad forms our picture of what our heavenly Father is like. It’s a miracle to me when people like you somehow see through that warped picture and find that “God is love” and “God is good…” When/how did you get a new picture of God?
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Sep 30, 2013 @ 17:50:43
Bill, I really credit a summer of VBS when I was 7 years old. Missionaries came to the remote town in Alaska where I lived and they told me about a Father in Heaven who loved me unconditionally and I was smitten. He had my heart from that day forward. I can’t really explain how I was so certain despite all the difficulties, but I was.
I am so grateful to those people who gave of their time and energy to volunteer coming to a mosquito ridden, dusty, remote village. They gave me the only Hope that really mattered.
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Oct 01, 2013 @ 06:29:21
What an awesome testimony, Denise! I imagine you have shared what those missionaries told you with countless others. It’s so good to hear some tragic stories can have happy endings.
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Oct 02, 2013 @ 10:20:46
The silver lining…sometimes it’s hard to find.
You are such a wonderful example of that very thing!
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Sep 29, 2013 @ 19:20:51
Thank you for this, and for reminding us that our ten year old selves are never beyond earshot.
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Sep 30, 2013 @ 17:52:04
So true, Allen! Thanks for stopping by.
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Sep 28, 2013 @ 21:30:32
Denise my friend,
I am so proud of you! This is a beautiful letter of healing, filled with words of tenderness to yourself, and yet strength as well. What a force for courage you are! So proud to be your friend!
Hugs,
Laura
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Sep 30, 2013 @ 17:52:57
Thanks, Laura. It’s quite a journey…
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 19:53:10
i’m so sorry you had to endure this and happy you have come through it, as an adult who shares her story to help others who may not be as strong. thank you for sharing – beth
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Sep 28, 2013 @ 07:54:29
Hi Beth, hopefully my story will help others begin to consider getting out and getting help. I appreciate your encouragement.
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 10:45:41
Thank you. Your story has touched me.
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 17:13:51
Thanks for letting me know, Rachel, it always means so much. Being vulnerable is scary, and your feedback helps my fears.
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 10:19:01
Thank you
This is so powerful Denise
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 17:10:29
Thanks, Sheri.
You and your family are in my thoughts during this difficult time.
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 10:08:29
Denise, I love this post. What a beautiful and creative way to communicate both the struggle to heal and the experience of ‘doing the work.’ You have been so brave in telling your story, and every time you post, you give strength to the rest of who are trying so desperately to break free.
My heart breaks for the abuse you suffered. But my heart sings or the work of restoration that’s being done IN you and THROUGH you. Your story needs to be heard. I’m so glad I have the blessing of watching it unfold with all the little and big fires along the way. Because that’s the real journey.
Looking forward to talking when we have a chance. Big love to you…
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 17:35:55
Thanks, Lori. It’s in the sharing with people like you that the healing really comes together. My journey is blessed because of you and yours.
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 09:16:35
Denise, I’ve said it before but you take the clinical explanations of abuse and make them human. I have learned so much from you!
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 17:08:13
Thank you, Esther, that is one of the best compliments I’ve ever gotten. It helps make me want to keep moving forward.
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 08:11:21
So heartbreaking to read imagining that little girl and then to see the gift to have married a special man (I completely understand that one) and to tell your story is such an incredible help to others. It taps into those blocked emotions that cause illness and emotional pain, it helps to see and release some of them. You write beautifully. You are a beautiful woman and I’m really glad our paths crossed. Love, Paulette
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 17:06:58
Paulette, you always have the sweetest and thoughtful way of saying things. Thank you for making such a difference in so many lives, including my own.
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 07:45:03
If only every abused child could read this.
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 17:05:42
Kathy, I wonder if it would have helped me to have someone tell me those words. You’ve planted a seed of how I might be able to connect with children in the midst of their situations. Thank you for that.
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 07:15:40
This is so incredibly awesome. You are amazing to me, Denise.
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 07:32:47
You have been such an important part of my online story telling, Karen. Thank you for supporting and encouraging me.
Your generous and kind heart has touched me deeply many times.
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 04:23:40
This is so beautiful ~ thanks for sharing your story to inspire us. xo
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Sep 27, 2013 @ 07:30:07
Thanks, Mifusa… your comments always encourage me.
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Sep 30, 2013 @ 05:52:14
Your story encourages me. xo
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