It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since my mom and I reconciled after a 12-year estrangement. It’s been quite an adjustment having a renewed relationship with the truth about my dad as the foundation. Though it’s not perfect, I’m very grateful for the opportunity to reconnect with her. It has been an incredible time of healing for us both, I think.
Depression and PTSD rendered so many dreams and goals in my life impossible and I had given up on most of them. The long-term effects of Mom not protecting or believing me have been devastating. The good news is I’m seeing (and feeling) the boost from just knowing she believes me now. It amazes me that no matter how old we are, a mom can make such a difference. There are some very deep emotional holes being healed as we nurture the relationship. I believe there will always be scars, but the open wounds are closing.
Another gift our relationship has given me is the opportunity to consider being forgiven. By forgiving my mom, I am becoming aware I am forgivable, too. I hurt many people through my anger, including my husband and kids. Sometimes the pain of thinking about it prevents me from seeing the possibility of forgiveness.
Expecting rejection can be easier to anticipate than forgiveness. Perhaps this is why we distance ourselves from ones we’ve hurt. We think we will never be forgiven. I have a renewed determination to continue making amends. Some will choose to forgive me, and some will not. I can only do my part, and that itself sounds freeing.
I will be taking a break from all this hard work soon while my husband and I take a vacation. There’s a treat in store for you in the next couple of weeks while I’m focused on my trip. Four writers have agreed to share some inspiring stories with you while I’m gone. I hope you’ll give them a warm welcome and share your comments and insights with them. I’ll look forward to catching up with you all when I’m back.
How about you? What does your healing journey look like?
Dec 14, 2013 @ 17:58:42
I never caught this one, Denise. I never knew this reconciliation happened. And that it is founded on the truth of your father is just perfect.
I am so glad for you. You know, I tried to “come out and open” with my dad about issues past but he was so in denial, so saw himself as poor single father of four whose wife suicided, leaving him with the load etc etc. I thought when Daniel was born we could connect. But no. Now he’s in an old men’s home in Melbourne where I live but I don’t visit because he just won’t get real. I always wondered why he hated me, and my sister said he was cruelest to me because I was so like mum and also because I was strong spirited. I don’t know…
But for here & now you & your mum today – just wonderful. It’s hopeful, good, and I’m glad.
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Dec 15, 2013 @ 06:54:54
I’m sorry your attempt at reconcilliation with your dad landed on deaf ears, Noeleen. His victim mentality is very destructive and painful. You are much stronger than him, and Daniel is so lucky to have you.
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Aug 29, 2013 @ 12:03:00
I was going through and trying to clean out my cache of old e-mails when I ran into your post. Yes, we always want our mother’s approval and it is best to forgive what we can. Not always easy for sure. You hit on some important aspects.
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Aug 29, 2013 @ 20:11:29
Thanks, Rebecca. These relationships are complex, arent’ they?
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Aug 13, 2013 @ 21:02:02
Mom failed to protect me from the stepfather’s abuse and both were alcoholics when I was growing up. We loved each other but hurt and denial permeated our relationship. When she found out about the abuse when I was 29, she said, “Why are you trying to hurt me.” That comment triggered deep rage in me that festered for years. We were given the gift of time, however, and in her 80s we began to heal the past. But it wasn’t until two days before she died at nearly 102 that she laid her hand on my arm and spoke these words. “No mother could have loved her children more. But I didn’t do right by my kids. I’ve lived with the regret always. But we just have to forgive ourselves.” More powerful words were never spoken. I had no conscious idea she would be gone in two days, but I awoke at 3 a.m. the morning she died and wrote that she had spoken words of closure. Five hours later I got the call that she had died. Blessings on your journey, Denise. So glad to hear you saw your mom after 12 years. May it get better and better.
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Aug 16, 2013 @ 05:56:18
Hi Martha, your story is certainly one of pain -but I find the hope, healing, forgiveness, and closure so inspiring and powerful. “We were given the gift of time” speaks volumes -well said.
My heart sings for you that you were able to receive that gift with such grace. Thank you for your blessings for my mom and me. We are finding our way, and I am grateful for our own ‘gift of time.’
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your story, I really appreciate it.
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Aug 03, 2013 @ 21:19:45
So much growth. My mom passed away two years ago still in denial and estranged from me. Recovery is a gift and takes many forms, not all of them happy endings.I forgave her but she couldn’t forgive me. It would have opened too many painful doors for her. I get to move on. Learning to live life with out chaos. Boring routine is good.
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Aug 16, 2013 @ 06:00:51
You make so many good points, Marsella (as usual!). Recovery doesn’t always end happily and it is unfortunate after so much work. But, it is freeing nevertheless as you have found out, too.
I’m glad you found ways to move on. Your strength prevails.
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Jul 28, 2013 @ 04:42:26
Denise, I am so happy for you that you have found a place of peace and forgiveness with your mom. Your words are so true, “Expecting rejection can be easier to anticipate than forgiveness. Perhaps this is why we distance ourselves from ones we’ve hurt. We think we will never be forgiven.”
Each step you make is a lesson for us all. Thank you and Enjoy your vacation!!
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Jul 26, 2013 @ 18:37:28
Thanks for another great post. Learning we are forgivable is a big step toward embracing our humanity.
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Jul 26, 2013 @ 21:46:08
Good point, Allen.
Good to hear from you, sounds like you had a great trip to Norway! 😉
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Jul 26, 2013 @ 09:23:31
Your story inspires me in so many ways. My journey has taken me many places to a restored relationship with my sister and now my journey takes me another place of healing – experiencing the peace of God as I rebuild my life. Enjoy your vacation I am looking forward to reading your guest articles.
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Jul 26, 2013 @ 14:27:37
Your journey sounds very inspiring, Patty.
I hope to one day reconnect with my sister, too.
Your faith and strenth are so evident in your healing.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing.
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Jul 29, 2013 @ 17:43:02
I pray for that too –
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Jul 25, 2013 @ 07:58:47
keep moving forward – my life is FULL of regrets and we all need a little forgiveness, no a lot of forgiveness. Take care and be well.
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Jul 25, 2013 @ 11:56:11
Thanks, Clay! That’s good advice 😉
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Jul 25, 2013 @ 07:51:20
Good for you to have found a way to reconnect with your mom! Healing is so powerful, at any age, whatever the source of the struggle…healing always opens the door to new gifts…I believe when we heal in one area of life, we are able to see other situations/people with new sight…the healing in one area sort of spills over and blesses other situations. At least that has been my experience. Blessings to you! ~ Sheila
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Jul 25, 2013 @ 07:53:39
Very powerful truth, Sheila! It wasn’t intuitive to me that would happen, but my experience is similar to yours.
Unfortunately, it took mom and me a very long time to reach a place/time when we were both ready for this.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and encouragement.
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Jul 25, 2013 @ 04:21:16
Great insight.
There are times in our lives when we take the easy way out. As we remain fearful of the consequences of confronting our fears. But a cost benefit analysis would always reveal that the perceived benefit of “not ruffling feathers” could lead to heavy costs and consequences in the future.
What practice do we need to adopt to hold the consciousness of such costs and consequences?
Shakti
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Jul 25, 2013 @ 07:51:44
Hi Shakti,
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and thoughts. It’s obvious you have a deep understanding of human nature.
I agree with your assertion. Not ruffling feathers is tempting as an immediate or short-term solution, but over time does create more problems than the original issue.
The unfortunate truth is, though, I doubt very few of us make such a conscious and deliberate analysis of our actions and/or decisions. I believe it’s only with time as our teacher we become wise enough to realize what we’re choosing and how it’s affecting us. Sadly, many people never become aware -or they continue to falsely believe they are protecting someone by not speaking truth.
Thanks again for your comments, Shakti. I appreciate them.
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 18:20:54
“Expecting rejection can be easier to anticipate than forgiveness.”
So true, Denise. What a profound piece of insight.
You know I relate to the very root of this post. Thank you for sharing the truth about the hard stuff. I know it’s not easy to expose yourself like that. I thank God for women like you who are willing to risk exposure for the healing of others.
This post tracks squarely to the regret piece we’ve talked about writing. Maybe it could be the springboard we’ve been waiting for.
Have fun on vacation. We’ll be sure to welcome your guest bloggers with open arms. A friend of yours is a friend of mine.
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 20:16:26
The open arms of the blogging community has made it so much easier to take the risks of talking about the hard stuff. To be accepted and encouraged like I have been is an incredible gift.
I am blessed to have met you and so many others this way.
I’ll look forward to our writing collaborative soon. I think you are really on to something powerful and I’m thrilled you’ve invited me on the journey.
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 16:27:01
I am also reconnecting with my mom.
♡
Blessings to you –
Laurie
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 20:12:46
That’s awesome Laurie!
I’m happy for you both ♡
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 20:31:26
It is quite a journey..She was the abusive one.
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 14:48:21
This is so inspirational, Denise! I’m sure it hasn’t been a smooth journey, but these things never are. Enjoy your break 😀
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 20:12:13
Thank you, Dianne.
I doubt we’d know what to do with a smooth journey, would we? 😉
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 12:56:45
Gorgeous! I lost my mom 25 years ago. As of Sunday, I have finally outlived her. I cannot reconcile, so I am finally letting her die. Xoxo!
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 13:37:26
That must be the next best thing, then…I’m glad you are letting go in your own way, too.
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 09:55:00
Hi Denise, I really got that in my journey too, the fact that if I could have forgiven my parents for what they did, that I could also be forgiven by my children for any wrong I might unintentionally do. It is such a peaceful thought. I also realized that love is always there, no matter what happens. Its just the drama that makes us forget for a while. I loved your post, Denise. Just the thing for people struggling with this stuff. Wonderful.
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 09:58:25
Thanks, Yaz! It does give me so much hope.
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 09:39:39
Wow, I forgave myself by forgiving my Mom too. Maybe that’s our main job as moms: be flawed and ask forgiveness. 🙂
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 09:57:38
🙂 I’ve got the flawed part down pat!
Thank you so much for your encouragement and ‘sisterhood’, Susanna!
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 08:07:24
Denise, your story is indeed inspiring. One thing I learned from some of the professional counselors I have worked with is that we process things differently as we grow and change. I think that offers hope to those who have not yet reached your point of reaching out to end estrangement. It may well be that as people experience more of life, they are more ready to deal with issues they couldn’t face earlier. Unfortunately, some simply bury their heads deeper, but I think it’s worth a try.
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 08:34:02
You make a such a good point, Esther. Time gives us all new perspectives (if we choose to be open).
Sometimes reaching out to end estrangement isn’t safe, even if it is a deep desire. Unfortunately, I was never able to get there with my dad because he wasn’t safe.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I always enjoy hearing from you.
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 07:50:19
Great post. I am so glad you were able to reconcile with your mom and heal in the process. Even after her death, I’ve reconciled with my mom in a way. I’ve come to understand things I never knew, learn why things were the way they were, and in the process of this learning I’ve grown and healed. In some ways, I feel like I know certain things about my mom better now than when she was alive. I wish I had understood more and that we had had a chance to more completely repair our relationship before my mom died. But it’s never too late to learn more, grow, and heal. Thanks for sharing.
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 08:31:46
That makes sense to me, Kathy. I’ve done some reconciling with my dad since his death, too.
Maybe that space gives us permission to view them differently than when they were alive, no matter the circumstances.
You make a good point that it’s never too late to continue growing and healing. Thank you.
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 07:22:52
Amazing! A post full of hope, love and reconciliation. I pray that you will continue to build bridges in your relationship. 🙂
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Jul 24, 2013 @ 07:37:15
Thanks, Steve. It has been an incredible experience. God has blessed me immensely.
I appreciate your encouragement 😉
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