Have you ever felt worthless, damaged, or unacceptable? If so, you may be struggling with shame.

courtesy: http://www.alisonbreen.com
There are two types of shame;
Guilt and Embarrasment.
They both have their place in society and relationships, but when they are out of balance or undeserved, either can be destructive.
A healthy example of Guilt is how you might feel if you shoplifted a watch. Every time you see or wear the watch, you would likely feel guilty because the watch was not yours.
A healthy example of Embarrassment is how you might feel if you entered a televised singing contest but sang out of tune the entire time.
In these situations, the feelings are appropriate. We should feel guilty when we steal, and some of us should be embarrased to subject the public to our singing!
An example of unhealthy Guilt might be how you’d feel when your spouse asks you to call in sick for him/her when they’re hungover -again. Instead of letting them face their natural consequences, you feel obligated to ‘help’ them – out of guilt.
Unhealthy shame might show up when you look in the mirror and see someone ‘ugly, stupid, or worthless.’ Somehow you’ve internalized and believed the lie over time and replay it each time you look at yourself.
In these situations, the feelings are not deserved. They are destructive and add to the cycle of shame.
An important distinction about guilt and shame:
Shame is feeling like you are bad.
Guilt is feeling like what you did is bad.
Has shame affected your relationships and/or career?
It doesn’t have to stay that way.
We all have the ability to change ourselves, but change is hard work.
If you’d like to begin (or continue) overcoming the shackles of shame:
5 Steps to Get Started
1. Write down what brought you to this decision2. Make a commitment to yourself/time, money, energy 3. Start a journal – ideally, write several times per week 4. Read books on self awareness such as “How People Grow” and “Safe People” by Henry Cloud & John Townsend 5. Find a therapist -because we can’t see our own dysfunctions as well as others can
.
What to Expect… The Good, the Bad, and The Beautiful Truth 1. It will get harder before it gets easier -just like learning to walk 2. Slow progress is not only okay, it’s to be expected3. Look forward to learning how to accept responsibility for your own actions, and let others take responsibility for theirs
4. Dependency: Learning to ask God to carry you through the tough times 5. Being able to say what you mean, and mean what you say. 6. That ugly, stupid, worthless person in the mirror will eventually become someone you used to know
Sep 15, 2013 @ 04:44:31
Excellent post, Denise. I’ve felt guilt all over the place all my life. I don’t know if it was my Catholic raising or what, but I felt guilty if I made noise and dad, depressed & drunk, got shitty. I felt guilty to hold someone up in the supermarket line when I was querying a price etc etc. All over the place!
Great post.
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Sep 15, 2013 @ 12:49:43
Thanks, Noeleen. Guilt is a heavy burden; it’s a relief when we find ways to shed what’s not ours.
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Jul 08, 2013 @ 05:40:23
Great post, Denise. I especially appreciate the honesty in the therapist suggestion. That objective observer perspective can be so important in helping us move beyond our self-imposed limitations.
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Jul 08, 2013 @ 06:40:32
Thank you, Mayumi.
I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts on this.
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Jul 07, 2013 @ 16:23:55
Denise, the wisdom and insight that pours from you is invaluable! It’s so hard to distinguish between guilt and shame sometimes. I lived in shame for decades…it’s a dark and lonely place we were never created to live in.
There’s a great little piece with Iyanla (Oprah’s friend) about shame and guilt. It was profound. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/01/dealing-with-guilt-iyanla-vanzant_n_3472594.html
This is a very helpful post, thank you.
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Jul 07, 2013 @ 21:29:04
So true, Lori, it is a terrible place to live.
Thanks for the link to Iyanla’s piece; I will definitely look it up.
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Jul 01, 2013 @ 18:08:50
I don’t typically feel guilt or shame. I tend to feel indecision. I hate it. I know where it comes from, but it can be paralyzing. I’m working on it.
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Jul 01, 2013 @ 19:21:25
Hey Renee! That’s half the problem -knowing where it comes from! 😉 Good for you to keep working on it.
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Jul 01, 2013 @ 09:16:33
Very good description of the differences. Most of us have felt all four and you’ve given a good starting point.
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Jul 01, 2013 @ 17:34:43
That’s a good distinction…that most of us have felt all four. It’s all about levels -the deeper the level, the more we need to address it.
Thanks for bringing that up!
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Jun 30, 2013 @ 20:58:46
I was in a situation once where I had to do something big but I was feeling small, insignificant, unable and unworthy. A dear friend who could not possibly know my struggle, handed me a slip of paper on which she hand wrote: “Be still and know that He is God. It is He that hath made us and not we ourselves. In Him shall we trust.” She may never know that if she had not handed me that slip of paper I would have walked out! The thought that it was not ME that made me who I am, but that God made me just the way I am SUPPOSED to be made it possible to go forward, “God approved”! Later I looked it up and found the words came from the Bible, Psalm 100:3.
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Jun 30, 2013 @ 21:34:53
Wow, Vicki!! That is a really incredible story on so many levels. He never ceases to amaze me on how He works in our lives through each other.
I like what you said “God Approved”!! That is quite an endorsement!
Thanks for sharing this, Vicki!
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