***Caution: There are graphic descriptions in this post. If you are concerned about being triggered, please do not read this.***
When the news broke of the three women in Cleveland who’d been held captive for ten years, I felt a rush of sisterhood. I was never chained in a room or beaten, so I cannot relate to these aspects of what Gina DeJesus, Michelle Knight, and Amanda Berry went through. Their nightmare is a unique and horrific one I cannot fully fathom. But there is much of their story I can relate to.
They have been heavy on my mind ever since the story ran, but I’ve been hesitant to write about them. I’m aware the more ‘normal’ response is shock; but I feel this kinship instead. I desperately want to be ‘normal,’ but my history has robbed me of many aspects of normal. After much reflection, I sensed a calling to share my perspective in the hopes of giving every outraged person a way to use their anger for good.
I felt an immediate connection because, to a degree, I understand the fear, threats, and despair they must have endured. Amanda said she took the first opportunity for escape, which didn’t come for ten years. This fact alone tells me the level of terror and control these girls lived in. I know what it’s like to be taught what will happen if you don’t do exactly as you are told. You believe the threats because you’ve already seen and/or experienced what the abusers are capable of.
When I read about kidnapper Ariel Castro’s apparent suicide note from 2004 indicating abuse by both parents and being raped by an Uncle I could only shake my head and think “Of course.” Likely no one got him the help he needed and all his anger was unleashed on –at a minimum- girlfriends, an ex-wife, and these three women. Abusive minds are not logical. Without help, they are driven by a need to purge the abuse by reenacting it.
I read that a few years ago, Castro’s then 19-year old daughter slit her own baby’s throat in an attempt to kill it. The news reported “Emily Castro suffered from manic depression and was paranoid that her family was trying to kill her baby.” She claims her dad never abused her. Well, duh. Of course that’s what she’s going to say. She may have even convinced herself its true by now, but her actions tell a very different story. In what is truly a sick twist, some mothers in that much despair feel the only way to stop the violence is through death. I imagine this girl was in a terrible state of hopelessness. It never excuses the behavior, but perhaps it helps explain the depth of despondency most of us can never understand. We cannot expect a desperate person to make logical decisions.
The opposite response in wanting to protect your child is to flee. I presume being a mother gave Amanda exponential focus on escaping so she could protect her young daughter. My own pregnancy was the catapult I needed to move away from my family. The instinctive need to protect my unborn baby gave me the push I needed to do what I’d wanted to do for years before but just couldn’t manage.
It makes an incredible difference to have a strong support network for survivors. Gina and Amanda apparently have loving, welcoming homes to begin their healing processes. Their recovery will likely be light years faster than Michelle. She apparently does not want to reunite with her family which paints a fairly clear picture to me. I envision how difficult her family dynamics must be in order for her to make this choice.
Ten years is a very long time for the captive women to live in those awful conditions and suffer so much abuse. These women, and Amanda’s 6 year-old daughter, have much grieving and healing ahead of them.
At the risk of being misunderstood, I want to acknowledge a certain degree of envy. Of course I don’t envy what they went through. What I envy is the response of family, friends, neighbors, and strangers. The gaping discrepancy of how people respond to the family abuser versus the stranger abuser is astonishing.
These women have not been criticized or ostracized. They were believed, welcomed home, showered with cards, and even have donations pouring in. Everyone understands they need therapy, patience, and kindness. When a survivor finally outs the monster in their own family, the typical response is no one believes you, no one welcomes you to their arms, and no cards or money pour in. People think (and say) therapy is an indulgence for ‘something that happened so long ago.’ They are impatient and frustrated with the slow recovery.
Survivors from family abuse are left with shame and loneliness. We are liars and disgraces to the family for saying such horrible things about our abuser. Ah, but the rules change quickly when it’s a stranger. The gloves come off, and no amount of outrage is enough.
Outrage is the appropriate response to something so heinous. But it’s a tough pill to swallow for those of us who lived with the monster our entire childhood and had to hear about what a funny, smart, caring, wonderful, et cetera person our abuser was. There is rarely outrage toward the abuser; if anything, it is usually directed toward the survivor.
There are thousands of people, mostly women and children, stuck every day in abusive homes; family and neighbors either don’t see the red flags or are too afraid to speak up.
It’s unrealistic to think we will ever stop domestic violence and abuse. But, it is a reasonable and attainable goal to become more aware. Don’t believe the myth that ‘it couldn’t happen in my family/neighborhood/church’. It happens in those places every day.
Abusers don’t have stickers on their foreheads. They don’t necessarily ‘fit’ a profile. They are our neighbors, relatives, classmates, and co-workers. They usually blend right in with the rest of us. But if you pay close attention, there are subtle clues. Do not excuse or dismiss those clues. File them away and when the time is right, make a difference. Reach out when it’s safe, call the authorities, offer assistance. Be a safe, non-judgmental person in the survivor’s life. You have the potential to change, and perhaps even save, a life.
In honor of Gina, Michelle, and Amanda, let’s make a difference.
Jun 10, 2013 @ 08:17:49
It’s hard for me to click the ‘like’ button when I read of all the pain, suffering and injustice your work represents. But thank you so much for posting it because it not only touches the heart, it broadens understanding and encourages response. May your readership broaden exponentially!
LikeLike
Jun 10, 2013 @ 13:32:07
It would gladden my heart to know my post helps someone feel less alone, and helps others understand more deeply.
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.
LikeLike
Jun 10, 2013 @ 05:00:25
denise – this was very well said and heartfelt and i’m sorry for what you, and others like you have had to endure. i am most happy that you are a survivor and will help others with your words , thanks for reading my words too, peace, beth
LikeLike
Jun 10, 2013 @ 06:04:16
Thanks, Beth. You are very thoughtful to say so.
I love your blog -humor is very healing! 🙂
LikeLike
May 27, 2013 @ 00:47:45
Denise,
You are absolutely right! I want to affirm your bold post, and tell you I am so proud of you for the work you are doing….personally and professionally to heal your pain so you can offer hope to others. Shame needs three things to survive; silence, secrecy, and judgment. Families all too often keep “secrets”, which feeds shame; you are speaking out, telling the truth, and receiving the love of others, so shame doesn’t have a chance with you! Yay! I pray God’s grace will continue to flow into your life in such large amounts that it has nowhere to go, except to overflow onto others, whose lives you are touching. Then they can enjoy His grace and healing too!
Hugs!
LikeLike
May 27, 2013 @ 06:43:41
Thanks, Laura! Speaking the truth out loud in this forum has been an amazing experience.
God’s grace continues to inspire me to move forward; and your support means the world to me.
LikeLike
May 25, 2013 @ 04:27:38
Thank you for sharing, for being so courageous, for speaking out and for sharing your story. You are an inspiration. xo
LikeLike
May 25, 2013 @ 06:00:13
Thank you, Misifusa. Keep making a difference on your blog, too. xo
LikeLike
May 22, 2013 @ 04:00:58
Denise, I’m so sorry you had to experience this horrible thing. I don’t know what else to say, but I do feel like saying nothing would be wrong.
I suppose I’m guilty of thinking people are basically good, that “this couldn’t happen” around me, even though I know that’s not true, even speaking only for statistics. I don’t know how to keep an open eye and ear without becoming a cynic or alarmist. I guess it needs to start at home…?
I don’t know you, but I’m glad to know there are people like you who don’t give up, who find the strength – even on their own – to pull themselves out of such terrible abuse. (It’s so detestable, I can barely write the word.)
Thank you for sharing this part of your journey.
Best,
Mayumi
LikeLike
May 22, 2013 @ 06:03:07
Mayumi, your kind and thoughtful words are so encouraging. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on a difficult subject.
Your idea to start being more aware at home is perfect. Listen to your intuition.
Family, friends, neighbors, church…It’s happening all around us.
Signs indicating something is possibly amiss and warrant a continued watchful eye: Radically controlling parent; kids that are OVERLY obedient, rebellious, sullen or angry; extremely private family life. None of these guarantee there is abuse going on, but extreme behavior in general usually indicates, at the very least, a certain level of dysfunction.
Bless you for wanting to make a difference. Becoming more aware is always the first important step.
LikeLike
May 21, 2013 @ 02:59:17
Denise … this post touched me profoundly, on many levels. I am sorry, very sorry for your ordeal … suffering is what I know well. Reading and writing, this is to say connecting with others helps. Thank you for writing this.
Take Care,
Daniela
LikeLike
May 21, 2013 @ 06:45:40
Daniela, thank you for sharing. Your posts have been very touching to me as well. I’m so glad we’ve connected.
LikeLike
May 18, 2013 @ 04:55:22
Denise – this is such a powerful post! So very true! Thank you again for continually sharing your story and the path you had to walk to get to where you are today. I wish you didn’t have to go through it, I wish no one would have to experience this awfulness! You’re right, abuse will probably never end and we have the responsibility to be aware and be there when we need to be! Thank you again for sharing!!! Be well!
LikeLike
May 18, 2013 @ 08:32:01
Thanks for your continued encouragement and support, Arlene. It is always appreciated.
LikeLike
May 17, 2013 @ 17:07:22
I cannot imagine the horror. I cannot imagine the desperation. I feel so strongly for these women, and I hope this man pays dearly for what he put upon all these families. I’m sorry that the one girl has no place (family) to go. That is so sad. A wonderful post, Denise. I’ve shared it to Twitter and my FB page, directing people to read your blog. I have never endured this sort of torture, so I cannot commiserate, but I can do something – I can share it so more people can see it. Thank you.
LikeLike
May 17, 2013 @ 22:30:08
Thank you, Karen. The more we share the truth, the more likely to make change.
LikeLike
May 16, 2013 @ 20:19:06
You’ve learned a lot from your suffering. I’m sorry for you that you experienced such awfulness. Life shouldn’t be that way.
LikeLike
May 16, 2013 @ 22:21:27
Hi Rebecca, thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your kind words.
LikeLike
May 16, 2013 @ 19:44:23
Thank you for continuing to shed light on a subject that’s been hidden away far too long.
LikeLike
May 16, 2013 @ 22:24:12
Thanks, Sheri. It will take the village to get the word out…
LikeLike
May 16, 2013 @ 13:09:31
You bring up an excellent point I had not really considered before – the unequal response to a survivor based on whether the abuser was/is a family member or a stranger. How incredibly painful! So glad you had the courage to write this – thank you. You’ve opened my eyes and no doubt many others.
LikeLike
May 16, 2013 @ 19:01:08
Thanks, Diane. I really appreciate you saying so. It means so much to me.
LikeLike
May 16, 2013 @ 09:48:04
I also see both sides – anger and feeling sorry for the abuser. I come from an abusive family and now when I have made my choices how i want to live my life, I see things differently.
This is such a slippery topic and so many things can be said, and not many people have the guts to even talk about this. So, thank you for the courage.
LikeLike
May 16, 2013 @ 10:03:09
You make an excellent point, Dace. The abuser deserves a chance for remorse, accountability, and compassion. They are acting out their own pain, and though it doesn’t excuse their behavior, it doesn’t mean their pain should be ignored.
Thank you for your encouragement and for taking the time to comment.
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 19:43:49
Thanks for sharing. Stories need to be told, so that people’s tongues are freed.
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 21:17:34
Thank you, Allen, for the reminder of how powerful sharing our stories is. It is an amazing thing that happens…
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 17:45:12
I love that you wrote this, that you speak your truth… it helps, it really does. I’m speaking from personal experience. Thank you.
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 21:15:39
Thanks, Paulette…I’m so glad to know you found it helpful. Music to my ears.
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 14:55:11
So true. I finslly left my abusive family as an adult for a while to heal and most sympathized more with them and the stories on tv. Your sharing is so helpful. I also had a young daughter.
Much love-
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 15:58:13
Thank you, Laurie. I think what you share on your blog is helpful to so many, too.
It is an amazing phenomenon that sharing our stories can heal both parties.
Blessings and love to you…
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 17:17:49
Blessings returned-
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 14:33:58
Denise, I felt every word you wrote here. You’re such a courageous person, and I’m so thankful for God’s healing in your life. As I’ve said many times before, (sorry to repeat) YOU are a powerful force of good on this earth. We are all blessed by your vulnerability and compassion. Your willingness to share will help save and restore lives. And I know that’s exactly what you pray for.
You are an honest warrior. May God continue to strengthen you and breathe new inspiration into your heart. 🙂
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 16:01:59
Ah, Lori… Your words are always so profound and are a balm to my soul. Thank you for always lifting me up.
I am grateful for your friendship and you sharing your journey as well. You have touched many lives with your amazing perspective and wisdom.
God was generous the day he connected us, knowing two are stronger than one as we both work on spreading His love and healing power.
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 12:06:39
This is perfect—all of it. Thank you so much, Denise!
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 12:13:59
Thank you, Annie!
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 10:43:05
Absolutely, rubber to the road, right, Denise.
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 10:48:35
Thanks, Diane. Your support is always so genuine and appreciated.
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 10:12:55
Denise, you read my memories of my mother and may have read between the lines. My father was horribly abused as a child. I don’t think he wanted to hurt us but pain was all he knew. It must have taken a super-human effort on his part to refrain, most of the time, from inflicting on us what had happened to him. The difference was my mother. She was strong, loving, kind, and absolutely stood up to him in her own humble way to protect us. One person can…and should…make a difference.
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 10:46:36
Esther, your mother is a shining example of strength. I would agree it must have taken incredible restraint on your father’s part trying not to repeat what he experienced.
Thank you so much for sharing this part of your family’s history. It is a glimpse into how people really can make a difference.
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 10:08:30
Denise, the words of one who has gone through the abuse and survived…even thrived…are a greater teaching tool than any text book. Thank you so much for being willing to share what has to be painful.
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 10:15:50
Thank you, Esther. I truly appreciate your thoughtful comments.
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 09:24:21
This is good:) Thank you How are you? Sheri
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 09:32:51
Thanks, Sheri. It’s a tough topic…
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 08:51:14
**applause**
A very courageous post, very well written. Thank you, Denise, for continuing to bring attention to the need for greater awareness of domestic abuse, and greater understanding toward those who have been abused.
Well done!
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 08:58:36
Thank you, Joe. Your encouragement and support is very appreciated…
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 08:39:53
well written, well said, thanks for sharing some of your journey Denise…
LikeLike
May 15, 2013 @ 08:42:04
Thank you, Monty. My greatest hope is by sharing my story is that somehow, somewhere it will help another survivor.
LikeLike