When I used to maintain an overly-full schedule, I thought it was all about contributing great things to my family and community. Wasn’t it admirable of me? Working part-time; going to school part-time; raising two kids; maintaining a household that, over the years, included goldfish, a lizard, three dogs, and six rabbits; volunteering every week at school; being the secretary on the church board; attending Bible Study; teaching Sunday School; and making homemade meals every day became a normal way of life.

courtesy: http://fbiedermann.blogspot.com
Truthfully, I didn’t have a clue how exhausted I was. There was an invisible force compelling me to continue this insanity. I didn’t know it then, but my busyness was the best solution my subconscious had to prevent me from feeling my emotions and dealing with memories. To top it off, I just couldn’t say no. My hungry ego was fed each time I was ‘needed’.
There wasn’t a magical day when I woke up and said “Wow! I’ve overextended myself!” But, over the course of several months I began to feel depleted. I finally made a conscious decision to take one year off from volunteering so I could ‘catch my breath.’ It was a challenging process to say the least.
Thankfully, the earth continued to rotate just as it always had. No great catastrophes happened as I dropped one outside activity after another. It was a bit demeaning to my ego, but nevertheless I said ‘no’ to new requests for help, and didn’t replace positions that expired. Ironically, as my ‘free time’ grew, so did my exhaustion. I think I finally slowed down long enough for the physical fatigue to register in my weary brain. The year off turned into two, then even more as I came to grips with just how dead my battery actually was.
My history was catching up with me and the onslaught of flashbacks and nightmares drained nearly all my energy. It felt like I was losing my mind and I sought professional help. In addition to processing my abuse, I learned about my tendency to be co-dependent. My default is to say yes even to the detriment of myself and/or my family. I’ve learned how to decide if want to say yes instead of automatically doing so. I’ve also learned about setting boundaries.
Over the last year, my battery finally began feeling recharged, and I’ve slowly been adding outside activities back into my schedule. I recently realized I’d gone too far, though, when I was asked to be on the board of the Writer’s Group I joined last year. I was flattered and excited to be asked. Only about a week in however, I felt I’d slipped over an invisible line. I’d accepted this board position about the same time as I’d committed to writing for our church newsletter, joined a book study, and I took on more hours at work. I’m also preparing to go see my mom. Everything seemed to collide at once and I realized I’d bitten off more than I could chew.
It was at once encouraging and depressing. I was happy to know I’ve finally learned to recognize when I’ve gone over the line, but was very discouraged to discover my plate doesn’t hold as much as I want. The board President was very gracious and understanding when I notified him I would have to renege on my recent appointment. It definitely helped the sting and embarrassment of the whole situation.
Maintaining a healthier marriage, continuing my relationships with my kids and their spouses, writing, running my business, and growing healthy friendships takes most of my time and energy. It takes a considerable amount of both to be emotionally connected instead of just being busy.
I guess I’m still figuring out how to do it well instead of do it all.
How about you? What does your schedule look like?
Feb 27, 2013 @ 07:47:26
Hi Denise – I can so relate. I too have had to be aware of keeping my schedule manageable. Fatigue is definitely something that can slam me if I over due it; my health challenges are also affected by fatigue/stress, so I have to be careful. I have so enjoyed your posts; sorry I don’t always leave comments, but just wanted you to know that your blogs continue to inspire me. Hugs
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Mar 07, 2013 @ 06:26:34
You make a good point, Karen, about fatigue and stress taking its toll on us physically. It seems like women in particular are more apt to over-do it all in the name of helping everyone else.
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Feb 25, 2013 @ 20:09:01
When I first got into al-anon my sponsor put me on “No” duty. She said I was not allowed to say yes to anything with out telling the person I would get back to them. This gave me practice in being able to have the distance to say no. In our families,when we put ourselves first, we were told we were selfish but its really “self-care”. I don’t want to be an empty well like my mom was. I’m glad you are realizing your limits, being exhausted isn’t fun. To thine own self be true my friend. I admire you!
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Mar 07, 2013 @ 06:25:18
That is a great tool! I’ve used it many times as well.
Thanks for mentioning it!
PS Congrats on your new job! I’m so excited for you!
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Feb 25, 2013 @ 04:12:19
Thank you for sharing. I realized last week just how much I put work before everything. My job is busy and demanding, filled with many deadlines that cannot be changed. Last week I put work before my own health and deeply paid for it. When needed my family always comes first. But everything else definitely takes a back seat to work. I’m not sure how to change this. I know work will slow down eventually. This is the nature of what I do. But I must make time for me, for my passions, and more time for my family. I need to take time to recharge. Thanks for reminding me of this. Take care.
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Feb 25, 2013 @ 06:31:03
Reading the comments that have come through on this topic reminded me of how flight attendants tell passengers to don their own masks before helping others. We’ve got to take care of ourselves or we won’t be able to care for others.
It’s really hard finding that delicate balance -becoming aware is our first hurdle, so it seems you and I are both moving in the right direction, Kathy.
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 23:19:08
Denise – Great post and a reminder to me that it’s okay to slow down.
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Feb 25, 2013 @ 06:26:34
Thanks, Sheri. Hope you are doing well and resting up!
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 19:57:49
Wow! Great post. i just said “no” to an invitation today, and felt both relief and guilt. But now I just feel relief. Thanks!
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 21:13:54
😉 Wow! That was interesting timing, Allen!
Thanks for sharing, it always helps to hear how others fare when saying “No” too!
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 17:13:09
Denise, it’s obvious you have lots of company. Count me as another one. One day I realized I was somebody’s wife and somebody’s mommy and somebody’s classroom helper and other things to other people and had no clue who I was. I learned to say no, learned to scale back, but I’m still working on who I am. In my 60s! Geez…guess I’m a slow learner.
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 17:25:52
Better late than never, Esther! I love that so much about you…you are eager to explore new ways of doing things. I hope I’m still open to new ideas in my 60’s too! You’re a great role model!
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 16:36:13
Thanks for the article! I overextended myself during my undergraduate years. Now starting seminary and hoping not to make the same mistake. Trying to add activities on slowly and learn to edit my life.
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 17:24:26
Gemma, you’re in good company here! 😉
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 12:53:45
What a fantastic post, Denise! I don’t know how I managed when I was younger – working full time, bringing up three kids and writing. I look back now and think ‘how on earth!!!’ I was always one to say ‘yes’ to everything and it was only a few years ago that I learned to say ‘no’. We need to look after ourselves at some point because no one else can take care of our health and sanity like we can – we just need ‘space’ 😀
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 14:54:29
My sentiment exactly, Dianne! How in the world? Well, older and wiser, right? 😉
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 12:16:10
Great article, and it seems many can relate, each with our reasons. I think it is one of the downfalls of being a woman. It was a lesson learned for me too and today I am doing things I enjoy that enhance not only my life but my families. I no longer feel overwhelmed and know if I do I accept my limits and cut back.
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 14:53:29
So glad to hear it’s possible to really get that skill ironed out! Thanks, Patty!
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 10:47:41
I hear you, Denise. I’m one of those ‘must do it all’ people. It is difficult for me to prioritize among family, writing, my freelance business, my mom, housework, subbing at school, volunteering, friends…eek! They all are important for different reasons.
However, it is possible to do it all, but not all the time. That’s the trick I learned. Volunteering once a week, for instance, instead of 4x a week. Helping my mom 2 hours a day instead of 5 hours a day. You get the picture.
The few things I must do every day (kids, pets, writing) can easily take up more time than they should. That’s where I still flub up, but I’m getting there.
Great post, Denise!
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 11:41:53
Ah, Kate, you provide such a great solution to the outside obligations! What a great way to tone it down!
The everyday things are there staring us in the face from morning ’til night, demanding our attention!
Glad you are there figuring it out right along with me! 😉
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 09:54:12
Gret blog post, Denise. I can totally relate to all you’ve said here. I’m trying really hard to learn how to maintain boundaries, myself. It’s so easy to read the self-help advice and say, “well, d’uh”. But living that advice proves exceptionally difficult. Go figure!
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 11:42:50
Where the rubber meets the road, to speak! 😉
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 09:20:54
Oh, Denise. How can it be that EVERYthing you write hits home with me? How’s is this possible???
Busyness is a mindset that I’ve struggled with all my life. Your comment about feeding your ego (my insecurity) really rang true. I didn’t learn how to say NO until I entered recovery almost 7 years ago. It was so painful to say at first, but now it’s become a little easier. I had a lot of resentment about everything I was doing ‘for everyone’. Yeah, not a good state to be in…I was a really good martyr. The sad thing is I didn’t know I could say NO, so being a victim was natural. sigh.
But even though I’m in recovery and I’ve learned to say NO (quite often, yay!), sometimes I still have a hard time applying my God-given desire to help and serve with all the needs that surround me. I seem to lose track of how much I can really do without throwing myself overboard. It’s like the saying with food, “My eyes are bigger than my stomach”…only, in this instance, it’s, “My desire to help is bigger than the time and energy I have to do it.”
I think one of the problems is the ‘One-off’ Phenomenon. Each thing I say YES to is small and manageable by itself. But when they all add up, I find I can’t catch my breath. ie: My friend is sick, so I’ll make dinner for her family. And then my other friend can’t take her child to mma, so I pick him up and take him with us. And then my neighbor needs a ride to pick up her car at the service station, so I take her. But then my husband asks me to grab something at the store for him and I bite his head off. (why is it only with him that I do that??? Another topic, right?). Each thing is no problem, but when I put them together – on top of everything else I have to do – I’m quickly over-busy…
Sorry, I’ve written a chapter here. I think you’ve hit on a very important and universal topic here.
I’d love to have a conversation with you about this. 🙂
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 11:47:12
Lori, that’s so, so true! Pretty soon, all the ‘little’ things add up to too much!
My husband has gotten his head bitten off a few too many times, too, when really I’m mad at myself. (who wants to admit that, though?)
We will add this topic to our growing list of things to talk about at that 24-hour diner you mentioned!! 🙂
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 07:49:03
It is good to hear your story. Keep taking care of you and you will be better able to take care of others.
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 07:53:33
Thanks for stopping by, Rachel! It’s a good point – we need to care for ourselves so we can care for others. Thanks for pointing that out!
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 07:36:12
Good post, Denise. Glad you’re recharging and yes, all you’re doing does take a lot of energy. Once heard, “the only person going to be with you for the rest of your life is you, so you better pencil yourself in at the top of your list.” What you wrote reminded me of that. Wishing you well, friend. Paulette
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 07:50:46
😉 Tha’s a good quote to share, Paulette!
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 06:29:43
Several chronic illnesses have put an end to all my busy-ness. Talk about over-extending myself! These days if I get even one thing accomplished, I’m doing well and I have learned to be thankful for even that much. I am homebound about 99% of my days, but the Lord has graciously allowed me to have an online presence to share His message of love, mercy, faith, hope and joy. For that I will always be grateful.
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 07:50:15
Your attitude is so inspiring, Anna! So many of us would sit home and pout or just be depressing.
The blogging community is blessed because of your vision to share Him online!
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 05:49:15
This is a great post. Many years ago someone suggested to me that my busyness at the time might be preventing me from seeing and feeling something I needed to acknowledge. She was right, of course.
Over the past year I have been letting go of some things on jump,ate in order to focus more fully on the few remaining ones that I’m passionate about. Maintaining that delicate balance at a healthy level is something worth deliberately paying attention to every day.
Congratulations on caring enough for yourself to make adjustments in your commitments that allow you to stay at the level that is right for you. And thank you for reminding me to check my own.
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 07:48:49
That’s a good point about focusing on what we are passionate about, Linda.
Finding the balance is definitely tricky, and a skill I’m finetuning! 😉
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 05:14:34
Trying to do it all – nothing gets done completely right. When I started working full time a few months ago, I realized I would have to do some trimming. And I did. I feel a wee guilty when I have to say no, but at the same time it feels good to say no. I know my limitations. I know how much I can handle. Realization of having too much on your plate is the first best step. I glad you found yours, and I’m very glad you share your journey with us.
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 07:47:13
Thanks for your wisdom and encouragement, Karen!
Your first sentence reminded me of a soaker hose, leaking out all over, but not really getting a whole lot done!
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Feb 23, 2013 @ 20:19:28
I struggle with being too busy too. Initially it was because I felt like I wasn’t worthy if I wasn’t “doing something” all the time. When I was pregnant with my daughter I quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom and it was very hard for me to not feel like a burden because I wasn’t working and “pulling my own weight”. It took a couple years and a therapist saying to me, “Do you want to model to your daughter that there should never be time to do nothing and have mindless fun? Because that would be really sad,” before I finally made a concerted effort to not “always be productive”. Now I still am busy but it’s more because there are so many things I want to do (horses, rock-climbing, classes I want to take, volunteering adventures with my daughter) along with needing to work to afford everything I want to do. But it’s easier to say no and easier to make time for myself because my self-esteem is not involved in the busy-ness anymore. The biggest thing I’ve learned is to take a day here and there with nothing to do, just reading, hanging out with my family having fun, watching uneducational television – without having to be sick as an excuse!
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Feb 23, 2013 @ 22:10:00
That’s such a great point, Julia – feeling ‘like I wasn’t worthy if I wasn’t doing something’ is very relatable to me, too.
What awesome modeling you’re doing for your daughter to take time out for relaxation! I’m definitely a work in progress in that department…getting better, but….
Always great to hear from you!
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Feb 23, 2013 @ 20:10:26
Wonderful read, Denise. When we were tasked to take the ‘workaholics quiz’ for workshop, it was nice to see how a change in jobs led to a ‘change in score.’ Does it mean I’ve done well in reclaiming proper priorities? Haven’t perfected it, but getting better at it.
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Feb 23, 2013 @ 22:07:53
Hi Takako! What wonderful confirmation you made the right choice changing jobs! I’d say you’ve definitely done very well! 😉
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Feb 23, 2013 @ 19:29:38
Kudos to you for realizing when you’re overextended. Many women just soldier on and get more and more exhausted until they completely shut down. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t take care of anyone else. And taking care of ourselves isn’t selfish as some would try to make us believe; it’s more like self-preservation. 🙂
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Feb 23, 2013 @ 19:58:16
You are so right, Ruth!
I’m reminded of how the flight attendant always says to put your own mask on before helping others with theirs!
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 06:31:32
Exactly!
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