Over the last few days I’ve realized – nearly simultaneously – I threw the baby out with the bath water and there was probably no other way I could have healed this fully.
I had dinner a couple of weeks ago with someone I haven’t seen for several years. The estrangement from my family has affected this relationship, too. I’d missed SB very much, but it was far too complicated to continue our relationship while I was recovering from my childhood abuse. She reached out to me recently after hearing of my reconciliation with my mom. I am so grateful for her compassion and grace.
We didn’t talk about my family, childhood, or the abuse. But she’d been in my hometown last year and had some recent pictures to show me. Afterwards, I found myself remembering some good things of my childhood. It was a strange, sluggish awakening as I realized I’d thrown the baby out with the bath water. My good memories were washed away along with the terrifying ones. This process occurred without any awareness on my part, but as I stare in the rear-view mirror of my life, I can clearly see those subconscious choices I made.
As a child, I wasn’t allowed to say there were bad things going on. I had to shove them aside and pretend they didn’t happen. All good, nothing bad.
To recover as an adult, I couldn’t acknowledge the good memories of my past. Instead, I descended into the hell of sickening memories. All bad; nothing good.
It’s truly an odd sensation realizing I subconsciously knew even just verbalizing good memories would obstruct my ability to recover from the abuse. It isn’t that I wanted to keep a death grip on my history and be a life-long victim, but I had to fully focus on it long enough to thoroughly process and get beyond it once and for all. I’m convinced if I hadn’t taken the drastic steps I did; my past would still be ruling my life.
A very good friend recently said to me “You’re in control of your life now instead of your life controlling you.” I made her repeat this because it was so profound and exciting to me. I am beginning to believe her. My past is becoming less and less of a driving force of how I make decisions and how I react to events and people.
Now, I’d like to continue getting reacquainted with that baby.
May 16, 2013 @ 23:38:54
I have recently reunited with my parents after 2 years. It was drastic to step away completely and the best thing. I decided to go forward with my recovery and reunite. Taking it slow and continuing with my inner work is helpful. My writing helps to keep my focus on my own strength other than my parents- then my expectations are pretty realistic. I appreciate your sharing.
Much love-
Laurie
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May 17, 2013 @ 05:49:34
That is such great news, Laurie! Drastic is the perfect word for it, but drastic situations require drastic measures. Good for you to know what you needed and do the hard thing. Hugs to you…
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May 17, 2013 @ 17:31:47
And to you-
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Feb 20, 2013 @ 22:47:51
Although my doesn’t point to any family trauma as the instigator of her childhood depression, we’ve been talking recently about her early memories or lack thereof. Although she jokingly describes the way she has “blocked out” the memories of her early childhood, it’s still a reality, and one that we’re still uncovering. For her, she pinpoints a lot of her childhood anxiety to watching the Challenger shuttle explosion.
Anyway, good for you to be finding some silver linings!
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Feb 21, 2013 @ 11:16:05
Neal, I’m glad to hear you are working closely with your wife on recovering her blocked memories. This can be a very challenging process. Please feel free to email me directly if you ever want to ask/discuss anything specific.
Your blog on ‘being raised by your daughter’ is so sweet and uplifing, I’ve enjoyed the posts I’ve read so far, and look forward to more.
Thanks for coming by and visiting 🙂
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Feb 20, 2013 @ 14:27:07
That’s encouraging for me to hear — I can relate in the sense that I am gradually beginning to feel like I am in the driver’s seat in terms of the decisions I make in life, rather than the fear I feel determining where I will and will not go. It sounds like you are having a similar experience when it comes to your own past and the emotions that arise when you think about it.
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Feb 20, 2013 @ 16:37:04
It’s a great feeling, isn’t it Chris? I’m glad you found some encouragement in this post and that we are both feeling some victories in this area.
Thanks for stopping by and chatting! I hope you’ll come back again 😉
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Feb 20, 2013 @ 02:01:10
I think that’s a normal step in the process for a lot of people. Sometimes, we have to walk away from everything in order to deal with just a part of it. It would be easy to say ‘well, things weren’t so bad because Christmases were always special’ or ‘I’m overreacting because my parents always made sure I had clothes that fit and took me to the doctor when I was sick and took me to fun places on the weekends’.
There is a huge part in a ‘victim’ (if you want to use that word) that wants to take the responsibility of someone else’s faults onto their shoulders, and that can halt the healing process. I think you’re doing just fine, and I commend you for your bravery and honesty.
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Feb 20, 2013 @ 07:58:51
You make such a great point, Kate! That’s exactly what I used to wrestle with! I always had a roof over my head, clothes to wear, and food to eat…so how could I complain, right?
Shouldering guilt and constantly questioning myself definitely delayed my healing process. Thank you so much for your validation; it is very encouraging to me.
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Feb 19, 2013 @ 17:53:31
Hi Denise,
I’m trying to remember if I’ve ever viewed my past with an individual in this all-or-nothing way, and I don’t believe that I have. What you’ve described here is both interesting and baffling to me, since I’ve not experienced it. There was no abuse in my childhood, so I can’t place myself in your position to see if I’m able to see what you see; feel what you feel.
When I remember happy moments of times spent with people with whom I am now estranged, I can relive the joy, but the thought invariably ends with the bad part. Perhaps this is what you’ve experienced — only that the bad part in your case is really bad. Am I getting close to understanding?
Sorry if I’m way off base. Since I’m still new here, I’m sure that I’ve missed a lot in your previous posts.
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Feb 19, 2013 @ 18:16:47
Hi Ray,
Your inquisitivess about something so foreign to you really impresses me. It’s not easy getting inside someone else’s head! 😉
I don’t think you’re way off base…as a matter of fact, I think you do have the gist of it. In my case, it seems like the good memories really just faded away. When I did think of some, though, it felt like I was betraying the bad stuff. I just couldn’t entertain the idea of thinking about good and bad. It was either/or. What you’ve described about reliving the good, only to end with the bad makes me wonder, though, if you still have some grieving to do with the bad memories?
I have enjoyed your blog -I especially remember the post you had awhile back about your brother’s funeral. You have a tender heart (that is a compliment!) and a wonderful way with expressing your thoughts and feelings. Thanks so much for stopping by here. I hope you’ll be back.
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Feb 18, 2013 @ 16:11:39
Isn’t strange how sometimes that’s what it takes to move on from all of those painful feelings? It’s not an easy choice to make but I’m so glad you’re finding those good memories and moments again. I’ve had to do the same thing to get away from an unhealthy situation and it was really difficult to deal with the collateral damage of moving on and healing. I hope that, like you, some of those relationships that were broken can be mended in time. Way to go, lady!
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Feb 18, 2013 @ 16:55:14
It’s so counter-intuitive, isn’t it, Audrey? Look at the pain to get away from it. So strange.
I have a feeling you are on your way to continued healing, Audrey. Moving on is one of the most excruciating first steps I took.
Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your beautiful story. I appreciated hearing from you.
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Feb 18, 2013 @ 08:50:03
I did the same thing when I left the town I lived in through high school. I even refused to give a speech at Graduation, I had nothing to say to anybody. I got saved a few months after I left, and then really had no reason to go back. One of my closest friends chased me down about ten years later and sparked our relationship again. In the past decade, I started making summer trips back to visit her and to visit places in that town that needed to be healed. My experience wasn’t as horrific as yours, but high school can be painful. We have talked and cried and taken pictures and have brought healing and a depth to our relationship I didn’t think possible. She is the one who has reminded me that life wasn’t ALL bad. Yep, there was a cute baby in there, afterall.
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Feb 18, 2013 @ 09:27:35
That is such an amazing story, Mindy. I have loosely made plans in my head for the day I go back to continue my healing.
Your journey encourages me so much…I’m grateful you shared it. thank you!
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 19:12:23
It’s wonderful when we take steps like this (or a leap as this one has been!) It really opens our eyes up to the things we may have been missing out on all these years. I have bitter childhood memories (not nearly as bad as yours) and putting them in their place next to or below the good memories can be a difficult and long process. I’m so glad you met up with your friend and this was the result 😀
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 20:50:36
Dianne, I always appreciate your thoughtful and encouraging comments.
You never disappoint… Thanks for sharing again today!
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 17:15:30
Thanks, well written, and such an important insight.
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 20:49:48
Thank you for your encouragement…
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 15:51:02
Denise, you’re in such a great place. You’re a very good force in the world,and I can’t wait to see where God leads you in your giftedness. As children, when we’re not allowed to look at the ‘bad’, it remains frozen and powerful and can be very haunting, kind of like the boogey man. Calling him out can be terrifying, but it’s so wonderful to realize the boogey man had such little power once he was out of the closet. Once we’ve faced him and committed to the process of healing, we can turn our back and face the light without ever having to fear him again.
I see nothing but freedom and an open field of opportunities for you, my friend. Go get it, pioneer. And take all of us with you, please?
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 20:53:34
Your analogy is really great, Lori! The truth does indeed set us free…in so many different ways!
I’m continually amazed at the things that show up in my life – “Whoa! I never saw that before?!”
Your encouragement and example of unconditional love and forgiveness inspire me, Lori. I’m grateful for your friendship!
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Feb 18, 2013 @ 08:51:02
I feel very unworthy of your kind words, my friend. God has taken my broken, twisted life and breathed his love into my heart. It’s his grace and love not mine. But thank you for your encouragement to continue to let him move in me. He is so good.
I’m so thankful for our friendship, Denise. One of these days we’ll meet in person. 🙂 I’m looking forward to that day. We’ll need to find a 24-hour establishment. I think we’re going to need the time.
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Feb 18, 2013 @ 09:23:57
The day we meet will be wonderful!
I like how you think….a 24 hour establishment will be just the thing!!
😉
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 12:44:46
I remember that for a long time after my divorce I could see Good Peter OR Bad Peter, Jekyl OR Hyde. But putting both together in my mind made me feel like I was being stretched two ways and pulled in half. Very painful. I couldn’t cope with both at the same time. As I am writing this, I realize that I HAVE made progress, because the bad/good, hateful/loving, mean/damaged, entitled/helpless, his fault/my fault/God’s fault paradoxes seem to have morphed into something I can make some sense of, and feel more peaceful about. I don’t ride the love him OR hate him roller coaster any more, just see a complex situation with SOME answers, and the rest unknowable, but not needing to be known. Thanks, Denise, for so many things you have said that have helped me. Diane
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 13:31:47
I’m so glad to hear you can see/feel your progress, Diane. The journey we call life is so complicated sometimes! I’m glad we are on it together!
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 12:41:59
Denise, thanks for reminding me of something I have only recently understood. My “bad stuff” wasn’t the same as your “bad stuff” but it was bad enough to make me forget or deny for a long time the “good stuff” that happened at the same time.
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 13:29:41
Isn’t it amazing (and wonderful), Esther, how we can see something so clearly much later?
Thank you for your comments, as they comfort and validate my own reality, too.
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 08:43:56
Denise: I loved reading this from you and completely agree with what your friend said to you. It reminded me of reading a book by Viktor Frankl, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” in which he lost everything/everyone (his entire family) in a concentration camp and yet he watched people there in the worst of conditions dance, sing, make love, etc. and came away with this realization, that you can have everything in life taken from you but what you make your attitude. That struck me in a similar way as your friend’s comment struck you (I’m assuming here) and it helped me get better from a devastating illness, Lyme disease, which threw me into depression. These simple things are so incredibly powerful. We’re gonna have so much to share when you get on that great bike of yours and head down my way some day. 🙂 Paulette
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 12:07:48
Paulette! Yes ma’am, we are going to have hours and hours to share. I was just talking to my husband recently about how we need to ride to Northern California to see Paulette! 😉
The power of sharing each other’s stories is constantly becoming more evident to me by stories like yours. Thanks for that!
PS: I started your book today -I’m hooked!
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 12:43:47
Aw, you are such a great cyber bud! When you get to Northern California you need to head south, 30 miles south of Santa Barbara to our place. 🙂 We used to live in Northern Calif Bay area but have been down here for years. Wherever I am you’re welcome and trust me it’s biker heaven around these parts. Thanks for the kind words ’bout my book. Hope you continue to enjoy.
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 13:30:36
This summer’s big bike trip is planned already, but California is in my mind for 2014!!
It would be great to meet you! 😉
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 08:21:37
Awesome! Good for you!
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 12:04:43
Thanks, Susanna!
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 14:36:15
Emotions are like memories too- repress the bad ones and you can’t feel the good ones either. You’re very brave
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 15:14:00
That is such a great point, Susanna!
I have ‘known’ that, but never applied it in this way before. Thank you for mentioning it.
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 08:13:46
I came from a family that looked movie star great on the outside and I was shocked when I started dealing with the unhappiness underneath. Layers removed to look at the truth. You are right, you have to go there to go back to the middle. The pendulum swings both ways, you have to have both to create balance. Isn’t it nice to know we can move past it? I never got to reconcile with my family but I have gotten to heal through other relationships. Blessings to you Denise!
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 12:03:43
Marsella, you always, always know just the thing to say. It is that pendulum swing again, it continually shows up in one area after another in my life!
I’m so glad you have created healthy relationships to help you heal. Many hugs to you my friend!
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 06:57:23
Denise, I can truly relate. I’m so happy you are allowing yourself to remember the good times because that is so important. Let me just say that it does get better but it is not an overnight thing — does take time. And the sweet peace that comes with letting certain things go is amazing!
Please know that I’ll be keeping you in prayer — that God will fill you with the peace that passes all understanding as you navigate this journey back to that “baby.” And by the way, I am also a mother-in-law, and my daughter-in-love is also named Denise!
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 07:51:04
Anna, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. Everything in this journey has taken so much time. I covet your prayers, thank you very much!
Well, your daugther-in-law must be a gem! 😉 teehee…
I am so happy to have a wonderful daughter, and now a daugther in law, too. My kids/kids-in-law are truly incredible blessings in my life!
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 05:46:49
Excellent post, Denise. I had a good childhood, so I can’t truly understand. But I did have a few bad marriages, and the bad memories do override whatever good memories there are. I tend to focus on just the bad, the breakups, etc. I do have a few good memories, having my son the best one of all!
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 05:56:02
I understand, Karen.
I’m so glad you have your son and that you have a good relationship with him -and your grandsons!
My kids are my life’s greatest blessings. They were my inspiration to continue on when I didn’t want to. I had to get better so I could be a better mom.
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 05:13:07
I can identify. Balance is key, acknowledging the past ,truthfully in anyway ,is hard, but once you have then healing comes. Stay strong.
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 05:53:08
You’ve said it beautifully! Healing can only come when we face the past.
Over the years, so many people kept asking me “Can’t you just put it behind you?” They didn’t understand the only way to keep that destructive shadow from following me the rest of my life was to face the demons.
Balance is not something that comes easily to me. I hope over time it gets easier.
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 04:38:55
Oh Denise ~ thanks for sharing your experience with us. So many times we wipe the slate clean and just x out everything ~ even the good. A great lesson to all ~ hugs to you
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 05:50:09
It’s so strange to see how obvious it is to me now, when I had absolutely no awareness of what I had done in the process.
Thanks for the hugs! 😉
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 03:08:28
what a great realization — but as you said–you needed the time to make it
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 05:48:24
Thank you…
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Feb 16, 2013 @ 23:38:25
I think it takes a bit of distance to see the good in what was, on the whole, a bad situation. I have a friend who is going through an extremely painful separation and she is sooooo not ready to recognise any of the good (except her beautiful children of course!) and I think that’s okay. Like you wisely said, you can’t fully focus on healing the pain of the trauma with one eye on the good stuff.
You have so much insight, Denise and always, always make me think 🙂
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 05:47:02
Susanna,
Your friend is so lucky to have someone so gentle and compassionate in her corner.
Thanks for the gift of your validation to my experience, too.
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Feb 16, 2013 @ 22:49:48
I relate.
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Feb 17, 2013 @ 05:56:41
You are a kindred spirit in so many ways, Lynda.
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Feb 16, 2013 @ 21:13:10
This is exactly what happened with me, Denise, and I feel that it is a natural process of healing. It is a sign that you have recognized the bad stuff instead of denying it, and are ready to restore your balance. Only then can we begin the next level of healing. It’s a wonderful thing to remember the good times, and even better when we get a glimpse of the abuser’s positive characteristics. So enjoy the baby!
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Feb 16, 2013 @ 21:44:44
😉
Thanks, Yaz!! In hindsight, I can see it is a natural process, too.
You always have such a wise perspective and I appreciate what you have to share.
I plan to enjoy the baby very much! 🙂
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Feb 16, 2013 @ 21:06:39
Yes, you are in control now. Hold on to that thought no matter what happens. You can’t control everything that happens in your life, only how you deal with it. 🙂
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Feb 16, 2013 @ 21:43:22
Great point, Ruth! Thank you!
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