When my kids were young, I was a ‘stay-at-home’ mom. Admission of this unappreciated ‘career’ often resulted in being asked “What do you do at home all day?” No doubt, the question wasn’t meant to offend me, but it usually had that very effect! Obviously the cleaning, cooking, errands and oh yeah Parenting didn’t take up much of my day, right?
One day in particular, I was out on errands in a mightly frazzled state of mind.
The kids had been fighting, we were running late and my ‘to-do’ list was longer than the day allowed. I bumped into someone I barely knew on the sidewalk and she asked The Question. At this point, I’m pretty sure I only had one nerve left and she stepped right on it.
My immediate reply was a sarcastic (and probably loud) “What do I do all day? Oh absolutely nothing! I just sit around eating bon bons and watching TV all day! The house cleans itself, the kids behave beautifully without any intervention and my husband does all the errands after he gets home!” She wrinkled her eyebrows at me and silently walked away, likely convinced I was insane. (It is possible, at that moment, she was absolutely correct!)
This exchange comes to mind now and again and makes me laugh, but I recently read somebody’s recollection of a comeback that was far funnier. I had the best belly laugh I’ve had in awhile from this hilarious post at Fellowship of the Minds, although I believe it may have originated at Rick Root’s blog. Enjoy!!
Yesterday I was at my local Kroger buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
How about you? What’s the craziest answer you’ve ever given (or overheard)?
Jan 20, 2013 @ 09:32:02
OMG ROTFL. I wish I had the balls to say stuff like that!
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Jan 20, 2013 @ 12:04:34
Heh, heh! Glad you enjoyed that, Susanna! 😉
Thanks for reading and commenting!
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Jan 04, 2013 @ 18:47:11
Hi Denise,
Why is it always the bon bons? Rather than stay-at-home moms, I think that the bon bons are the real victims here.
There should be some sort of indicator, like a countdown clock or a mood ring to let people know to tread lightly when there is only one nerve left. Then again, anyone who would ask you that question would probably miss the warnings anyway.
My wife stayed home with our daughters, so she’s dealt with those questions often — sometimes nicely; sometimes not.
That dog food diet story that you shared was too funny! Thanks for the big laugh.
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Jan 04, 2013 @ 20:09:36
Hi Ray,
Ha ha! I’ve never heard anyone feel sorry for the bon bons before!
Glad you enjoyed the dog food story! It was hilarious!
Happy New Year! Looking forward to head over and check out your blog, too!
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Jan 03, 2013 @ 05:45:31
Like someone else mentioned, above, I always come up with something great I should have said, about an hour too late.
My older brother is great at on-the-spot humor…things like, “Oh, I see. Now, could I please speak to someone who was not hired on the help-the-mentally-handicapped program?”
Thanks for the laugh!
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Jan 03, 2013 @ 12:56:59
Hi Joe! Your brother must keep you on your toes! 😉
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Jan 05, 2013 @ 07:09:16
True! 🙂
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Jan 02, 2013 @ 08:42:52
My former boss (who is a golfing addict) caught me doing something incredibly stupid, and I said to him “You tell ANYONE I did this, and they will find your dead body on the golf course.
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Jan 02, 2013 @ 11:45:52
Ha ha! That must have given him a real fright!
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Jan 01, 2013 @ 13:19:31
I have said that the last blog I will ever do will be the one where I vent on everyone who denigrates MOMS. I don’t say stayathomemom, because I think that that IS a mom, and moms who work and the moms who say I couldn’t stand being home all day are the ones I want to scream at and say, then what did you have a kid (or or 3 or 4 or 19) for!!!! Kids are not an accessory that you bring out when it’s convenient. OK, I will stop. you sound like a wonderful MOM. And btw, I’m starting that diet today. it sounds great!
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Jan 01, 2013 @ 16:31:04
Land ho! Happy New Year! I know you are an awesome mom -it comes through on your blog! 😉
Good luck on that Purina Diet! The Captain will be afraid to leave you alone anymore!
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Dec 31, 2012 @ 19:49:42
I loved being a stay at home mom! Once my husband’s best friend had the day off when my daughter was about 18 months (it was also summer) so he came over to spend the afternoon with me. He helped me clean the house while my daughter napped then we walked to the cafe and got Americanos and walked to the park and hung out in the sun while my daughter played in the sandbox. He thought it was the best way to spend an afternoon and I had to agree. It was harder when I was sick or didn’t get enough sleep (and I couldn’t call in sick) but in general it was awesome and I always felt a little sorry for women who worked instead of staying home with their children when they were babies.
I didn’t get a lot of “what do you do all day?” question but the question I do hear a lot now from people who live in Seattle (now that I live way out in the boonies) is “what in the world can you find to do out here???” Because the minute you leave Seattle city limits you know that anything fun to do suddenly ceases to exist … sigh.
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Jan 01, 2013 @ 06:21:12
Hi Julia! How funny your hubby’s dad hung out with you for day! What an unusual peek into the life at home with kids for him. I loved being home with my kids, too -despite the typical ‘drive me crazy’ things that happened. I’ll always be grateful for that special time with them.
I live out in the boonies, too, and get the same question sometimes. They’ll say “it’s sure pretty out there, but what’s there to do? Don’t you get bored?” Very rare for me to get bored. Like I always told my kids “Boredom is a choice.”
Happy New Year, Julia!
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Dec 31, 2012 @ 13:20:06
Thanks for the laugh! I admire moms, and you seem like a super one. 🙂 Craziest answer, hmmm…
One that pops to mind is more about my interpretation. I asked my mom how women became pregnant when I was about four. She told me that when two people love each other and pray about it, they have a baby. Anytime I thought about pregnancy or babies after that, I worried that my thoughts would be mistaken for a prayer and God would put a baby in my oven. Whew!
Happy New Year!
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Dec 31, 2012 @ 14:36:45
Oh my word! That is too funny! I bet you and your mom get a good laugh out of that now!
Happy New Year!
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Dec 31, 2012 @ 13:01:02
This is fantastic, you have one great sense of humour and a very vivid imagination. I wonder if I should go on a GoCat diet. I just bought a big bag!
Love htis story, but sometimes people ask the most stupid questions, like have you been at the hairdressers…… no I had an accident with the lawn mover.
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Dec 31, 2012 @ 14:35:35
Ha ha ha! I love that! My poor hubby doesn’t have much hair left -maybe I’ll suggest he keep this comeback on the ready! 😉
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Dec 31, 2012 @ 01:12:40
Denise,
I too was a stay-at-home-Mom, and totally get what you’re saying. I think my favorite two were: “I just don’t know how you do it, staying home all day; I’d get so bored,” and, “Ya, I wish I could stay home with my kids, but my husband just doesn’t make enough money for that to work” (as she flashes her Coach purse and hops into her new SUV; priorities people!) I don’t think you can fully appreciate what being a stay-at-home-parent all about unless you’ve lived it; there’s a lot of hard work and sacrifice, but it’s all totally worth it. And don’t get me wrong, I know it’s not for everyone, nor is it an option for everyone. A little respect and common courtesy sure goes a long ways though, am I right? Great post, Denise!
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Dec 31, 2012 @ 09:42:24
Being a full-time mom is definitely exhausting, but I wouldn’t have traded that time with my kids for anything.
Thanks for sharing your experiences!
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Dec 30, 2012 @ 20:08:13
That is the most hilarious story. I never have the nerve to make stuff up like that!
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Dec 30, 2012 @ 21:04:57
It is funny!! I have the nerve, I’m just not clever enough! 😉
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Dec 30, 2012 @ 13:40:27
Denise,
Three incidents come to mind.
The first was when I was about 21 years old. I am half Mexican and was dating a young man who was glow in the dark white. Neither of us paid any mind to our skin tones or anyone else’s. We were on the back of a city bus waiting for it to leave as we were on our way to or from the local community college we attended. Two teenage African American girls got on board and came to the back to sit. After staring at us for a bit, one of the young ladies asked me, “What color are you?” I glanced at my boyfriend then looked at her and replied, “Brown, the same as you, just a different shade.” She had no response except to look offended.
The second occasion was when I was expecting my second child and needed to inform her biological father. I had gotten pregnant six months after a nervous breakdown and aborted suicide attempt, and my choices in men and activities were not the most constructive or healthy. So, when he finally responded to my efforts to notify him and came to see me, he was suspicious and accusatory. He questioned me, “How do you know the baby is mine?” I pointed to a hat and said, “Well, I was with so many men, I couldn’t keep track, so I put everyone’s name in that hat, and you got picked.” He never questioned me on that again.
The third incident happened this year. I’m 100-130 lbs overweight and am what’s called an apple shape. I was standing at a bus stop and there was an older woman sitting in a wheelchair next to me. She asked me about how far along I was in my pregnancy. I didn’t speak sarcastically, but I did tell her the truth, “My baby is three I’m not pregnant, I’m fat.”
I wasn’t trying to make her feel bad, but how else do you respond to those kinds of questions?
I guess my examples weren’t that funny in retrospect, although the seemed the most humorous way to handle painful questions at the time.
Blessings,
Kina
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Dec 30, 2012 @ 19:38:57
Hi Kina!
Thanks for sharing all these amazing stories!
The first two did make me laugh! I’m Caucasian, but grew up in an Alaskan village with a lot of Native Alaskans. My elementary school best friend was African American, and my nickname in highschool was Blondie because it was that unusual. My kids have different coloring (daughter favors me -glow in the dark white, son favors dad -actually has pigment) and a woman asked me if they had the same dad. I’ve always wished I had a clever comeback at the time (like you did!).
Your response in the third story seems very respectful and reasonable. I’m not sure how else you could have handled it.
I love the title of your blog, by the way!! Every human should be in recovery!! 😉
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Dec 29, 2012 @ 17:46:22
Love it – thanks for the laugh. My family often thinks that because I work from home I don’t really work. Actually I put in more hours than my husband does. And because my husband works until 10 pm (a second shift), I get kid duty and all of the household duties each day. There is no stopping until I get my daughter into bed. My son often comments on how early I go to bed (usually by 9 pm). I tell him that I don’t go to sleep and that it’s the only time I get peace and quiet (and then I tell him to go away 🙂 ). I love when someone asks a question to which the answer is obvious. Sometimes I just bite my tongue.
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Dec 29, 2012 @ 19:34:11
Hi Kathy! Until someone has experienced staying home with kids full-time, it is hard to explain how exhausting it is. Worth it, for sure, but definitely misunderstood and undervalued!
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Dec 29, 2012 @ 13:39:13
I get lots of practice with snappy comebacks, because my husband, bless his heart, is often the asker of these rather obvious questions (I’m referring to the dog question; he is not so insensitive or clueless to ask a stay-at-home mother what she does all day, especially considering I stayed home for a couple years to care for our own children 🙂 ).
Thanks for stopping by my site. I appreciate it!
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Dec 29, 2012 @ 13:45:16
Hi Carrie,
I liked the new format on your blog, a fresh look for the new year!
Maybe you can share some of your funny comebacks sometime on your blog! 😉
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Dec 29, 2012 @ 14:14:19
Well, that would be good blog fodder, but I’d hate to embarrass my hubby. He might use it against me someday… 😉
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Dec 29, 2012 @ 19:33:25
Eh, good point!! 😉
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Dec 29, 2012 @ 13:17:55
HA HA HA HA HA I loved it. Now I know what DH does when he is home alone all day, thinking of stories to shock people with!! 😉 This is too funny.
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Dec 29, 2012 @ 13:43:58
Hi Patty! Glad you enjoyed the post!
Happy New Year!
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Dec 29, 2012 @ 13:06:54
Both your stories are hilarious! I just found another blog to follow!
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Dec 29, 2012 @ 13:43:32
Hi Rachel! Our humor seems to be similar! 😉
Nice to find someone like-minded! LOL
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Dec 29, 2012 @ 02:35:58
OMG that was hilarious. LMAO It would have been wonderful to be behind both you and the other person.
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Dec 29, 2012 @ 08:36:25
Ha! Glad you got a good laugh!!
Thanks for stopping by!
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Dec 29, 2012 @ 00:28:46
Delicious!
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Dec 29, 2012 @ 08:35:46
🙂
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 19:49:50
Thanks for giving me a chuckle!
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 23:38:44
So glad you enjoyed it, Allen! Thanks for stopping by!
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 18:54:55
That story is so funny. I crack up every time I read it. I’m always thinking of great comebacks hours, sometimes days, later.
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 23:38:09
It cracks me up, too! 😉
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 15:53:20
My daughter was adopted from China, hence she is Chinese. I am Caucasian. Once, when we were waiting to be seated at a restaurant, the hostess asked if my daughter was adopted. I said, “No, she’s a genetic mutation.” I still wonder if the hostess got it.
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 16:10:04
I love that you actually said it!! 😉
Hooray for you! I bet you and your daughter still get a good chuckle out of it!
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 09:56:31
I love your sense of humor ! A person must be able to laugh at herself, or himself, it’s a matter of self-defense. What you describe is what I call “enjoying all the fringe benefits of the married life.” I’ve been enjoying these benefits for 43 years. Great article!
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 10:16:27
Thanks! Humor is definitely a great thing to have! 😉
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 09:00:29
Thanks for the laugh! I needed it this morning!
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 09:19:12
😉
Happy to oblige, my friend!!
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 08:18:13
Just last night we were talking about “things we shoulda said and didn’t think of in time.” My favorite is the day I lay on an examining table, legs in stirrups, and the doctor with scalpel in hand was exhorting me to relax. I shoulda (and woulda if I’da thunk it in time) said “Hey Doc, let’s trade places, you give me that scalpel, and let’s see how well you relax.”
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 09:17:15
Ohh, I like that! I’ll try to file it away and use it someday!
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 05:17:09
HAHAHAHAHA!!! OUT LOUD LOL!! Some people are so vacant!!!
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 06:50:59
…and yet, so entertaining!! 😉
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 07:00:32
I was at the air port last year going to SF. And this guy was staring at me and I said HI! He goes (he was drunk off his ass)
ARE YOU FROM HAWAII? I said NO I’m from Iowa just like you!!
NO you have to be hawaiian I CAN TELL!!!
No I am not Samoan I’m just a fat brown girl!!!
NO NO NO YOU HAVE TO BE.
I said sir I know both my parents I lived with them most my life! My dad is black and my mom is white. I’m just a pretty fat girl. Not Samoan!!!
NO NO NO I’ve lived in hawaii you are Samoan. LLOL all the people round were like jesus dude!!! LOL
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 09:16:47
Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!! That is too funny! Thanks for sharing, that’s a good one!
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 14:11:05
Some People!!!
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 04:57:47
As one of those people who can never think of a response til maybe a day later, I am in awe of anyone who can come up with something at this genius level! I’m already laughing again just thinking about the fire hydrant part! Brilliant….
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 06:50:40
Isn’t a delayed genious comeback frustrating? Peeing on the fire hydrant cracked me up, too! I giggled about this long after I read it the first time!
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 03:57:45
This is so funny. I love the story, especially the fire hydrant part! OMG! This sort of sounds like something I’d do. I am sure I have offended a few strangers and made a few others laugh.
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 06:48:53
Hmmm, you know, I think I could picture that Karen! 😉
I think the fire hydrant was my favorite part, too!!!
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 02:07:37
love this…
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Dec 28, 2012 @ 06:48:20
Me, too! It would have been hilarious to be in that line at the store!
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