Only Fifty Shades of Grey?
I don’t think so! There must be at least 1000 shades of grey, and I’m not talking about the book on the New York Times’ best seller list. Having lived a black and white life most of my (ahem, 40+ years) I still sometimes cringe when I think about moving into the ‘grey zone’ of life. I like things to be nice and tidy; up or down, day or night, good or bad, right or wrong. Or at least I think I do.
One technical term for black-and-white thinking is false dilemma thinking.
This happens when we create an either/or answer to a situation and leave out other reasonable, middle-ground options. In my case, I think I reacted this way to cope with fear. A situation that even slightly mimicked (usually subconsciously) an experience that created fear or anxiety in my past could create the either/or thinking. Fight or flight sound familiar?
No Balance
It leaves no room to question, consider, or reflect. There is no balance. What a small world I boxed myself into with such a narrow mind. B&W thinking led to chronic disappointment in myself and has been a barrier to personal growth. It generally shows up now in subtle ways, but used to be much more extreme.
In the throes of my deepest despair several years ago, my therapist encouraged me to include some fun in my life. This was a concept I just couldn’t get my mind around. I was depressed; therefore, I couldn’t have fun. Right? (I was actually in danger of my depression defining who I was because of my B&W mentality.)
Growing up, I was expected to earn all A’s in school. When an A- showed up on my report card sitting in the middle of other ‘straight’ A’s, Dad’s scornful remark was “Why the minus?” The B&W message was ‘only straight A’s equaled success’. Therefore, since I wasn’t a success, I was a failure. This mentality plagued me for years. I actually quit college in the middle of my second year when I got a B. The feelings of failure were that intolerable. It was two long years before I returned to college.
The Struggle for Balance Continues
The recent reconciliation with my mom created another ‘opportunity’ for me to enter the grey zone. While we were estranged, it was much easier to just say ‘We don’t see each other because she doesn’t believe me.” Now we’re in the infant stages of developing a new relationship. It isn’t full of anger, resentment, and denial anymore, but it isn’t perfect either. It’s grey, and I struggle.
How about you? Have you ever struggled with black-and-white thinking? Have you found a way to be freer in the grey zone?
Nov 18, 2012 @ 14:36:07
Very interesting what you say. I’m not sure if I’m a B/W thinker or not. Can someone be a gray B/W thinker? A B/W thinker some of the time?
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Nov 18, 2012 @ 15:30:50
Hi Robin,
Oh I definitely think so! And, I’d like to aspire to become a grey thinker! 😉
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Oct 27, 2012 @ 06:02:54
I am glad you are embracing grey…I have a similar father story to you ~ all A’s, always perfect, so I understand. Great post.. Happy to hear that you can reconcile with your Mom. xo
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Oct 27, 2012 @ 06:06:10
Thanks, my soul sister… 😉
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Oct 27, 2012 @ 06:07:35
Amen xoxo Cheers…having a cup of coffee to toast to you!
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Oct 25, 2012 @ 19:14:10
The only way I could start practicing (and it’s ALL practice) living in the middle was listening to how others did it in my 12 step meetings, and therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. Lol. And I discovered there are so many different versions of grey. I had to try more than one, it’s not one size fits all. Imagine that, choices, color, laughter. I used to find having fun hard work, sad but true, but practice, practice,practice is my new motto. Thanks for being so honest about your journey.
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Oct 25, 2012 @ 23:07:59
That is so incredibly true and wise. You are an amazing woman and I’m so glad you share your experiences and perspective. Thank you!
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Oct 24, 2012 @ 13:29:00
I’m really glad you’re starting off again with your mum and I think this is a really important step (well done). I’m a very grey person – hey, it’s in my name 🙂 and I am married to a black and white. I’m slowly bringing him across to the grey way of thinking (it’s only taken 25 years) and I can see so many changes in him that point to “a far better place to be.”
This is a great post and it’s wonderful to see the process we go through to sort out things that have left large scars from our childhood. You’re amazing 😉
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Oct 24, 2012 @ 14:51:51
That’s really ‘grayt’, Dianne! 🙂 (tee hee, couldn’t resist!)
Your husband must feel much freer, too! I’m happy for you both.
It is a mysterious, but wonderful journey we’re all on…so glad to share it with you!
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Oct 24, 2012 @ 08:39:35
WOW Denise, that did hit home today – in a positive way. I have been thinking along about this for a while after reading a book by Max Lucado and you have put in perspective. Fear is indeed one of my giants that I have been battling for a long time. It is no coincidence that we are blogging pals…thank you Lord!
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Oct 24, 2012 @ 08:59:01
It is marvelous the Lord brought us together, Patty! Which Lucado book did you read? He is an amazing author!
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your thoughts 😉
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Oct 24, 2012 @ 16:40:37
I did forget to name the title didn’t I?! I am still reading it… “Facing Your Giants” great book. Not what I thought it would be…but better!
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Oct 24, 2012 @ 17:19:49
Thanks Patty!
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 14:10:58
Denise – this is such an important message. I’m so glad you shared it with us. Yes, I can relate to just about everything you wrote here, and being in the grey for almost 6 years of recovery has made all the difference in the world…in just about every area of my life. Fear of not being perfect or not being ‘enough’ kept me from living my life and it kept me trapped in addiction and depression.
You’re such a beautiful voice of truth and hope. I love it when I see you in my Reader. I always know I’m going to be inspired and challenged by your sincere journey.
Thank you…again. This post hits close to home in so many ways.
Love to you.
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 19:41:12
Your words are always so kind and sweet…thank you for that.
Fear is a powerful deterrent to living our lives to the fullest. I’m so glad to be on this journey of healing with you.
Thanks for always sharing your heart; it is very special.
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 10:52:36
I’m a big grey-zone believer. I really have a hard time with people who only deal in black and white. Of course, this is partly due to the Libra in me where a sense of fairness rules all.
The drawback is that too much grey-zone impedes decision making! I can’t tell you how long it’ll take me to decide on anything from a pair of shoes to how to decorate the living room to what my next writing project should be.
Balance is hugely important, and often that is what I lean on to help me make decisions or choices–is where is the best balance?
Great post, Denise.
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 13:31:47
Ack! Indecison is a challenge all in its own, too!
It really is all about balance, isn’t it?
🙂 Thanks so much for your insight!
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 09:28:42
Yes, I have definitely been guilty of black/white thinking. Thankfully, much less so in recent years than when I was younger.
It can easily lead to legalistic views and careful protection of self-righteous attitudes.
For example, when the relgious leaders criticized Jesus for healing on the Sabbath, that was a good example of black/white reasoning. “God said not to work on the Sabbath, so healing should only be done on the other six days.” No room for another, less legalistic, viewpoint.
Thankfully, I have become increasingly aware that God works out His perfect plan in the midst of human frailty, in a sinful world. He does not require a perfect scenario to work His will. He works His will in the midst of imperfection…as a light in the darkness.
Thanks for sharing, Denise! Very good post!
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 09:38:59
Hi Joe! The pharisees are a perfect example of B&W mentality!
Your description of how God takes us in our imperfect situations and still uses us for His good is awesome!
Thanks for your insight and encouragement!
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 08:34:49
Black and white is a terrible place to be, but I can be paralyzed by all of the choices grey presents. Balance is the key, I think, and going with my instincts. My daughter is struggling with the black and white thing when it comes to grades. It’s not us pushing her, either!
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 08:44:13
I totally agree: Balance is definitely key! 😉
Thanks for taking the time to share!
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 05:55:35
I like that way you explained your process. I can relate with the failure response also!! I could not cope in college when I failed a course and began spiraling!! I ran from it and it was not that I could not do it but I was overwhelmed with what was on my plate. I didn’t know enough to put out a flag and trim my activities. It is still an area I am challenged with today– taking on too much and not realizing how heavy my load quite is. And failure, I have to dot and trim every ‘i’– ah!! So, I guess I can say I am learning more and more to step in to the grey, especially as my daughter of 13 shares my faults ; )
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 06:11:26
Thank you for sharing about yourself, Rejoycin!
Ah, the spiral! That is exactly how I felt, too! That sensation came flooding back when I read your words.
Your challenge with overextension resonates with me, changing that was really hard.
Good for you, and your daughter, as you continue stepping into the messy grey zone!
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 05:19:53
Your post reminds me of my father, the victim of horrific abuse in his childhood. There were only two ways to do things, his way and the wrong way. I understand now that he had to have it that way. He had to be right. He had never had the acceptance, love, or nurturing that would have made it OK for him to be wrong sometimes. Unfortunately, when my mother’s love came his way, and in time his children’s, that concept was too complex for him to accept. He tried but it was a struggle.
It sounds like you are way ahead of him in accepting shades of grey.
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 05:32:39
Hi Esther! Once again you’ve brought up an excellent point. My dad also had the “My Way or the Highway” mentality, which he unfortunately passed on.
I’m sorry your dad continued to struggle to accept love and acceptance from your family. That must have been a heavy burden on all of you.
Thank you so much for sharing.
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 03:54:34
I have doubts in myself on occasion. Though my mom and Aunt Agnes (she helped raise us) were very supportive and rarely critical, more encouraging when we were low or had a bad test result. I miss that! Mom and Agnes are both gone now, and I so wish I could talk to them when I’m having a problem or experiencing a difficult situation. If I fail, I try (try!) to tell myself, “I’ll get it next time.” Sometimes a failure leads to another – different – opportunity. Some failures are not so bad, once I have time to think about it – and laugh about it.
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 05:28:48
That must be hard to have lost both your encouragers. It does seem like ‘failures’ often provides new opportunities, depending on our perspectives!
I have a feeling your laughter has gotten you through many difficult times, Karen. 😉
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 03:33:26
I am frequently guilty of that typically male behaviour of going into ‘black and white’ problem solving mode when my wife comes to me with her problems and as a result I help no one! Empathy and self-awareness are a discipline I would prefer to practice more frequently. I think ‘shades of grey’ is a good metaphor for exploring self-awareness, which when I step back and give time for, allows me to be compassionate and in some ways relieved of destructive emotions. Can be hard work though! The dark stuff comes creeping back and bites me! Thank you for sharing how your raised awareness is taking you further on your journey – I value your courage and honesty.
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Oct 23, 2012 @ 05:25:13
I agree with you about how hard self-awareness is. It doesn’t seem to come naturally to most of us, does it? 😉
Thank you so much for shraing your own struggles in this area, and for your encouragement to me as well. It is greatly appreciated.
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