The subject of grief is heavy on my mind these days. The death of a loved one in my husband’s extended family has reminded me how important it is to appreciate each other. I can say “It was his time” and it would be true. But, it doesn’t make it any easier. Our own time is coming closer every day, and we all know it. We know it of ourselves and we know it of each other. Yet our lives tick on, each day nearly identical to the last. Finding the balance between living out the necessities of daily life and actively connecting with loved ones is complicated.
Click here to read about how JumpingOnClouds has been blogging beautifully about the unexpected healing brought about by her mother’s recent brain cancer diagnosis and treatment. The possibility of death has shifted her priorities and perspective. The fact that she’s acting on them without reservation inspires me.
Life is mysterious…
When Uncle Ron’s health rapidly declined last week to the point of calling in hospice, people dropped what they were doing to see him. What is it about grief and death that changes our priorities? This is a bit mysterious to me.
We spend generously on huge displays of flowers following death. But what about when they were alive? Wouldn’t they have enjoyed the flowers then? We travel great distances to attend a funeral. Wouldn’t they have enjoyed a visit from us before? During the memorial service, we tell funny stories and share how much the deceased meant to us. But wouldn’t they have enjoyed hearing about their impact even more so than the group?
Why Wait?
Why do we wait? Are we too embarrassed to tell someone how much they mean to us? Is it too vulnerable? Do we not realize it until they’re gone? Have we just taken them for granted? Does our own history cloud our reality? I fear all the above might be true for me.
Someone very special to me passed away about 15 years ago. I called him Dad; in my heart he was my dad and he considered me his daughter as well. Providentially, I had a conference in Orlando that August and visited him and ‘Mom’ for a few days afterwards. About six weeks later I got a call telling me Dad hadn’t survived a massive heart attack. I was devastated. While grateful for the time we’d just had together, I was distraught there wouldn’t be more until we are reunited in heaven. It took awhile, but eventually I wrote Mom a letter telling her how much he’d meant to me over the years.
I keep asking myself why I didn’t tell him directly when it would have meant so much more. I’m now convinced I couldn’t totally grasp the positive impact his words and life had on me until I really focused on my own history. Until I could more fully accept how badly my biological dad had hurt me, it was hard for me to accept how much love, guidance and acceptance I felt from the Dad I was now mourning.
It will probably always bother me that I never told him. In the years since, I’ve tried to be more conscientious of telling people their impact in person, but it’s still hard. I worry about being laughed at, being told I’m too sensitive or just making people uncomfortable. Finding that balance of living my daily life and sincerely connecting with those important to me will probably be a lifelong challenge for me.
How about you? Do key people in your life really know how important they are to you?
Nov 11, 2012 @ 05:40:40
You are a brave writer. I don’t like to talk about things that are personal to me unless I put something in a poem and the like. Great blog!
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Nov 11, 2012 @ 06:18:05
Thank you, I appreciate your encouragement!
Your recipe/photos of the choc chip cookies made me crave some!
I noticed you reduced the sugar in the recipe, It’s very similar to my recipe -but I have an additional modification: gluten free flour.
Thanks for stopping by, and for commenting!
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Oct 19, 2012 @ 13:22:18
I have always had a difficult time expressing my feelings. When my children came along though, it was totally different. I have no problem telling them every day, several times a day, how much I love them, how important they are to me, what an important part of the world they are. But I can’t do that easily for anyone else. I struggle with it, but I do try. It’s just easier with my kids for some reason.
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Oct 19, 2012 @ 16:14:23
I can relate to that too. At least with our own kids it is a start. Thanks for sharing!
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Oct 18, 2012 @ 13:06:06
“If only . . .” are two of the saddest words so often heard at funerals, as people regret a broken relationship, or not getting to say ‘sorry’, or not telling them how they feel, or not spending more time with the, or not . . .
We should think of the ‘if only’s’ NOW and do them, before it is too late. Now is the only time of which we are assured.
Thanks for the reminder.
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Oct 18, 2012 @ 19:51:17
So very true! What’s that saying about “the present is our greatest present” or something to that effect.
Thanks for sharing!
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Oct 18, 2012 @ 08:37:47
One of the best things about being a parent in recovery is that you get to do and say all the things that you needed to hear and see but didn’t. The biggest way I tell loved ones how much they mean to me is by saying I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to say it because I never heard it.
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Oct 18, 2012 @ 09:20:55
Marsella, that is one of the most beautiful things I’ve read! You are living out the phrase “Actions speak louder than words.” Thank you so much for sharing this important message.
We can’t do what we don’t know, but you are proof we can learn a new, better way!
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Oct 18, 2012 @ 08:09:10
You make me want to sit down and write some letters. (I speak better through the written word and besides, that way it can be read and reread.)
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Oct 18, 2012 @ 08:20:26
A letter sounds perfect! I’ll be thinking of you traveling back home! Have fun!
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Oct 22, 2012 @ 04:02:15
Oooo, thanks! Sweet of you to remember.
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Oct 18, 2012 @ 07:54:36
Your post and everyone’s comment is very encouraging and inspiring. Over the years I have learned that lesson and sometimes I do forget that lesson when life gets hectic, but I am a work in progress-I praise God for that, because that means He is always teaching and guiding me. Thank you for reminding me how important it is to enjoy those we love now – and to let them know how much they mean to us. I hope those memories of your “dad” still bring you much comfort and encourage you to know that he still lives on through the people you touch today. Blessings – Patty
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Oct 18, 2012 @ 08:22:24
Hi Patty! So good to hear from you again! Thanks…my memories of ‘Dad’ are close to my heart, and I’m so lucky to still have ‘Mom’ in my life, too.
Aren’t we a lucky bunch that God let’s us be a Work In Progress? He is so patient 😉 Hugs to you my friend!
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Oct 18, 2012 @ 16:14:57
Hugs right back at ya!! 😀 and yes as we are!
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Oct 18, 2012 @ 00:01:24
I had a similar childhood to yours and it was completely without affection . I made a pact with myself not to be like my mother who never hugged us or told us she loved us, or called us affectionate names. My kids and husband got overdoses of it all and I always try to let anyone I love know it. It was difficult at first, but it makes me feel good when I express love to people even outside of my family.
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Oct 18, 2012 @ 08:24:02
Hi Yaz! Thanks for visiting and sharing your story. It is awkward at first, isn’t it? I’m so glad you were able to overcome and be your true self. Many hugs to you!
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 19:11:03
I just reached the double-nickel milestone this year (I’m 55), and I realize more and more how close we ALL are to that final journey. This blog post comes as a poignant time…the woman who is training me for my new job (I hated to go corporate but I had to), is a miserable, depressed, sad-faced woman who doesn’t respond to my Karen-isms or my jokes. Her excuse – her husband just got bad news. I have been through loss and bad news – my beloved mother dying. A friend with a despicable disease. The loss of a job. A devastating flood. I understand depression and PTSD. But why must we be depressed – and force that mind-set onto others – every minute of every day? I say, No! I was sad when Mom lay dying, but I chose to remember the good times, the laughter, I embraced our remaining time together. Every time I see my kids and grandkids, I say, “I love you.” No matter if they are pushing me out of the way because they are reading a book or watching a movie or playing video games.
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 21:30:50
Hi Karen! Yes, it is good to remember the good times. They really help temper the bad ones for sure!
Maybe your trainer will pick that up from you before she leaves…Maybe you will be the light she’s never had. Hang in there!
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 14:38:09
So sorry for your loss Denise.
I agree with what you say about the way we regard death; it’s a shame we can’t be more open with the ones we love when they are alive – that’s the time to give them the flowers, the visits and the long chats. Too late when they’ve gone.
My mother has been in a Nursing Home following a stroke 8 years ago, and I have only recently (in the last 5 years) that I’ve been able to tell her how much I love her. She beautiful thing is, she was able to tell me she loved me too!
Now she has lost her speech and I’m not sure she knows who I am anymore, so I’m glad I made the effort when I did. Better late than never . . .
Because of that experience, I am trying to be more open with friends and family, actually telling them how I feel about them; it seems to be working because some of them are reciprocating, and it’s a wonderful, deep seated feeling!
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 14:58:33
That’s wonderful! I loved reading this!! It is something you will be able to hold on to forever now. Even though she can’t speak anymore, and maybe she doesn’t recognize you…I’m a firm believer that the Feelings of your Love and how you shared with her have stayed with her. Your friends are blessed because of you, too!
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 13:59:12
Denise,
I’m so honored by your post, and as always, I’m challenged to dig deeper into my experience. You have such a wonderful, non-judgemental yet inspiring way of posing such important questions for us to think about. I’m always a bit changed because of your insight and perspective.
I’m so sorry about your husband’s Uncle Ron and your Dad. Death is so painful. You’ve been able to squeeze so much out of your journey – I’m so glad you’re sharing it with all of us.
Thank you for sharing YOU with all of us.
Hugs.
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 14:56:13
You are always so sweet and encouraging. Thanks for that -and for reminding me not too hold back so much. I’m feeling a bit braver because of you and all you’ve shared during your latest chapter of the journey.
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 13:41:07
Denise, please accept my condolences ~ we lost my Dad in June so I know what you mean. I try to use my cards to make sure everyone knows how special they are to me. Please accept a treat from me and make a card for free. Send it to someone special….let them know how grateful you are for them because as we all know, we only have today. xoxo
http://www.socgratitude.com/126830
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 13:53:53
I’m so sorry about your Dad. It must still be raw for you. Cards are a nice touch -especially in today’s frenzied world. Thank you!
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 09:53:33
Once again I love what you have to say. You inspire me to be a better person. Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry for your loss.
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 10:05:12
Thanks, Debbie! You are awesome, and I’m a better person for knowing you and your wonderful ways of connecting the world one person at a time.
Hugs and blessings to you, my friend.
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 09:24:31
Denise, what you say is so true. It is also true of those we know as friends, not necessarily close ones. Just this week someone mentioned to me what her husband had said about me. He acknowledged my expertise in an area that he understands much better than I do. It was such a delight to hear that someone I respect had such a high opinion of me! It just made my day. Maybe one of my goals in life should be to make someone else’s day every time I get a chance.
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 09:34:06
Thanks for sharing, Esther. It’s always so nice to hear from you. 😉
What a wonderful surprise and treasure to hear something like that from your friend!
I love your idea of a goal…I’d like to borrow it as well!
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 08:53:06
You have a way of revealing your lovely heart through your words. My son is the most important person in the world to me, and I know he knows it and never will question it. I want that feeling of being loved to last when I’m gone. My husband knows it too, even when I might not always show it!!
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 08:55:27
That’s such a great legacy you will leave for your son! Thanks for sharing! Hugs to you, your son and The Captain!
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 08:57:27
Your words are priceless and touch me! I’ll pass on the hugs, and right back at you!
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Oct 17, 2012 @ 09:35:29
Aw…you are always sooo sweet!
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