I’ve read some blogs and news articles recently with comments from parents who were confused as to why their children mysteriously decided to estrange themselves. This lack of introspection frustrates me to no end. Children (of any age) don’t arbitrarily decide to estrange themselves from family. We are created with an innate desire for connection and acceptance, especially from family. Estrangements are born from desperation and/or necessity. (Withdrawal is also a form of estrangement. It’s more passive, but still done out of self-protection.)
The reasons for estrangement are many; but ultimately it comes down to safety. It may be for physical, emotional or spiritual safety, but sometimes estrangement becomes the only option. The more extreme the brokenness, the more extreme the healing is needed.
A Last Resort
Estrangement is usually a last resort after multiple other attempts have been made to change family dynamics. Unfortunately, these attempts are often rebuked because the perpetrator doesn’t want to change. The victim is then blamed for disrupting the apple cart and conveniently becomes the black sheep.
Dysfunctional families often deflect responsibility for behavior; it’s human nature. Honestly, we sometimes do this without even realizing it. Abusive families, however, are masters at pointing blame anywhere, everywhere except where it belongs. This not only protects the abusers, it allows the continuation of the cycle. Taking the step of estrangement may seem extreme to many. For the victim, however, sometimes it is the only way to protect themselves.
My Estrangement
My decision to estrange myself from my parents came over time. I was trying to process awful memories and still have ‘normal’ conversations with them on the phone. It was crazy making. I felt like I had one foot in reality and the other in a fantasy world. There came a point when I had to make a decision to be on one side or the other. I couldn’t continue that way any longer.
I dropped a letter in the mail telling them I was working through ‘some issues’. Out of necessity I kept my letter very generic, but told them I needed space to do this and asked them not to contact me. (I found out much later dad complained “I’ve lost total control” after he read my letter.) The immediate aftermath of my decision was rough. I got a call from my sister asking what was going on. I firmly told her it was between our parents and me. The next call was from my parent’s neighbor; she wasn’t nearly as nice as my sister. Her words were scathing and brought me to tears. A couple of weeks later my brother had a major heart attack and a nephew was in a snowmobile accident. Then my dad crashed his last plane. This all happened within about two months. The guilt was profound because I felt at fault for these calamities because of writing that letter. The lie of dysfunction and abuse was in full form telling me I was responsible.
Free To Be Me
It’s taken a long time to understand I am not responsible for other people’s emotions or lives. This doesn’t give me license to say or do anything I want without accountability. But, it does free me up to be me and to live a conscientious life of truth. I could not have reached this place without estranging myself from the dysfunctional and abusive family relationships being modeled for me.
How about you? Have you experienced or considered estrangement as an option for healing?
Nov 10, 2012 @ 16:21:38
Distancing can go both ways, adult children for sanity’s sake, may pull themselves away from their dysfunctional familial relationships, and parental figures may for sanity’s sake, pull themselves away from dysfunctional relations with their adult children or other family members
The motivation for doing this is critically important. If the motivation is to free oneself from distressing/dysfunctional relationship patterns that are bringing one down emotionally, than the distancing can be emotionally empowering and beneficial.
If the desire is revenge and to punish the other, than it is just a continuation of the dysfunctional familial patterns.
Your description of your own process clearly puts you in the beneficial/empowering mode. I commend you for having both the wisdom and the courage to disengage from from negative relationships.
This whole area of disengagement and estrangement has been under addressed and misunderstood by the mental health establishment.
Good for you for going public. I admire you.
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Nov 10, 2012 @ 16:37:40
Hi Cindy,
Thanks so much for your insight. I never thought about parents estranging from adult children, but that makes sense as well.
I agree totally about the motivation being a vital part of the process. Well said!
Thanks again for sharing your perspective, I enjoyed it very much!
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Oct 28, 2012 @ 21:20:43
Thank you for a thoughtful and honest post. I’ve had to resort to estrangement a few times in my life. Always a hard decision, and not one that people make casually. As you said, it’s the last resort. And the guilt trips that others lay on us, whether well-meaning or not, don’t help. Sometimes the estrangement circle grows to include the meddlers and the “fixers” as well as the original person we don’t want any contact with!
Bottom line: when the pain of not having someone in your life is less than the pain of having that person in your life, that person is truly toxic and you’re better off without them.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.
RPRT Photo
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Oct 28, 2012 @ 21:49:16
Oh so true that the estrangement circle widens…it is a difficult situation.
Your perspective is appreciated and well-taken, thanks for stopping by and commenting!
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Oct 15, 2012 @ 11:21:08
What a great post, Denise!
Yes, too often, the decision to protect oneself by ceasing fellowship of a toxic relationship is treated as an unforgiving spirit. It is not necessarily the same thing. We can completely forgive a past wrong while remaining vigilant to protect ourselves from unnecessary future hurt.
We have a good biblical example of this in David, who clearly forgave King Saul’s abuse and attempted murder, yet wisely refused to return with Saul or renew fellowship with him.
Thank you for such a straighforward post on a much-needed topic!
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Oct 15, 2012 @ 12:32:49
Hi Joe,
Yes! That’s exactly it! You’ve worded it beautifully! The misunderstanding of what we are doing and being judged for it is hard to swallow sometimes.
Thanks so much for visiting and taking the time to share your perspective. 😉
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Oct 14, 2012 @ 16:37:10
This is very helpful, and rings true of dynamics within me and my husband’s wider family. He and I feel a lot of guilt about not trying harder to ‘reconcile’ following his parents’ abuse but they don’t seem to want to own up to things. It’s hard, and we’re currently estranged. Praying that God will work things out somehow, and open all our hearts to His solutions….
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Oct 14, 2012 @ 17:46:16
The guilt piece is a tough one, I feel for you all and wish you the very best.
Thank you for sharing.
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Oct 13, 2012 @ 11:30:31
There is someone close to me who needs to read this, and I will make sure that happens. Thank you so much. This has been our topic of conversation for quite a while and your beautiful words will help my friend see that she is not alone in the need to estrange for her own health and well being.
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Oct 13, 2012 @ 15:33:14
Your friend will be in my thoughts as she navigates this difficult time in her life. I’m glad she has you to help.
Thanks for sharing and taking the time to comment.
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Oct 13, 2012 @ 07:36:09
I need to be REMINDED, always, that I am not responsible for other people’s emotions or lives. That is so close to home today with huge life decisions to be made. I have never detatched from my parents, but have from pieces and parts such as refusing to enable hoarding behaviors by helping them churn their stuff. My daughters accept and understand my non- contact with their dad – I have explained to them that if I do have contact, he will either use it to manipulate, dig, or become falsely morose, none of which benefit anyone. It gives me some peace to have been able to distance from a few people, family and not, without rancor, guilt, or drama, knowing that I have treated them with respect and set a healthy boundary for me, at this time. One big trigger for me is helplessness – often as having my motivations misinterpreted, even when I have explained, which is essentially telling me that I am lying to them. Which is the same as my ex telling me I am crazy, wacked out, a %^&#, or whatever, which is PROJECTION on their part. I smpathize with the wounds/insecurities that are motivating them, BUT I’ve been there, done that – it is part of my past and will not be part of my present. For them and for me. By being calm, kind, but firm – there is an open door for relationship in the future, when/if I am strong enough – when/if they are aware enough and responsible enough. I choose people who see the real me, not those who try to force me to fit their negative vision of me. Thank you, Denise, for your good words and insights!
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Oct 13, 2012 @ 15:35:14
Hi Diane! Thank you for sharing your story. Being misunderstood and judged are really big triggers for me. It’s hard to break those old habits/feelings.
Thanks for your wise words and confirmation of how estrangements can lead to healthier lives.
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 22:38:46
You’re a very brave woman, Denise and I really admire you. I was estranged from my ex-husband for a few years, but we made amends and left all our bitterness behind when his youngest child died. Now we’re really good friends. I needed to be away from him for that time (and I know that now), but it’s wonderful to be friends with him because we don’t have the love/hate feelings for each other that tore us apart.
Parents and family members are a different matter altogether. We seem to have them ‘for life’ and if it’s not working it’s much harder to break free. I have members of my family who just love ‘dividing’ people and that gets very stressful at times.
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Oct 13, 2012 @ 06:56:28
That’s so nice to hear how it eventually ended up with you and your ex-husband. The rear-view mirror definitely helps us make sense of things down the road. 😉
Thanks so much for stopping by, and for sharing your story. I always enjoy hearing from you!
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 19:56:38
I read a book called Toxic Parents which showed a way to disconnect appropriately. I haven’t had a relationship with my parents for 25 years and it was the healthiest thing I ever did. I wish them every good thing but I choose to not endure the abuse anymore. To thine own self be true.
I am so impressed by your blog that I nominated you for a blogging award that I just received and linked you on my page. Keep up the amazing work. It matters.
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 21:11:56
Thanks for mentioning the book; I’ve never heard of it before. Your journey sounds very healthy.
Thank you, too, for the nomination! It’s very sweet of you!
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 16:52:43
Wow, Denise, you are really getting into some tough subjects, and I applaud you and your courage. You are not responsible for other people and their lives and actions. That is true. I am estranged from a brother. After watching him use my mother and my aunt for about 30 years, and then watching him sniffing around for the will when my mother was on her death bed…that did it. I denounced him. We haven’t spoken since. He is toxic, a user, an egotistical self-centered “what’s in it for me” guy. I made the decision that I did not need that bulls**t in my life, because every time I was around him, I felt horrible. So, pfft! He’s gone! Even so, I pray for him to find meaning and goodness and hope he discovers the errors of his ways.
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 18:06:25
Hi Karen! Thanks for sharing your story! When being around someone drains the life out of us something is definitely amiss.
Yet, it is hard to let go of hoping they will ‘see the light’ of how destructive they are, isn’t it?
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 18:11:26
Yes, it is hard. I wrote him a very long letter about how I felt, what wrongs I think he had done, etc., and he came back all indignant. It still hurts when I think about it, but it hurt more to be around him. I pray for him. I have many positive, giving, loving people in my life. Who needs the dependant, self-centered, egotists? I certainly do not.
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 21:10:06
Wow, that’s really great how you reached out to him. Must make it easier, knowing you tried your best to meet him in the middle.
I can see how you’ve drawn positive people into your life, you are such a positive, encouraging person yourself!
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 15:02:02
I was able to distance myself from my parents, by actual physical distance. But I never quite reached the estrangement stage, so I admire your courage. Up until the last days of my parent’s lives I felt caught up in the crazy making, to some degree. That’s how their lives were programmed and, now that they’ve been gone for a while, I’ve developed a better understanding of the pain in which they were stuck. However, I also know to be caught up in that pain wasn’t doing me any good. I think I believed I could help in some way…especially when it came to my mom. But that wasn’t possible.
Every word you’ve written in this entry really hits home with me. I can understand them at an intellectual level, and there are days when I’m at peace with my past. But I still carry a sense of guilt…that I somehow failed my parents. I know it’s silly to feel that way, but I’m working on it.
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 15:16:45
That is exactly how I started…by moving far away. It definitely helped for a while. I don’t think you’re silly, but can surely relate to feeling guilty!
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 14:45:09
This is an amazingly insightful post. I am semi-estranged from a sister who has not yet had the courage to face her issues, and it was draining me far to much to constantly be the scapegoat. The more well I became, the more threatening, maybe? Also, my former husband comes from an extremely dysfunctional family and he estranges himself from them for long periods of time. Right now, they are speaking, but for the course of our marriage, they were not. His father is extremely narcissistic, which I only fully became aware of after I had left, and I believe my ex to be a sociopath, who I now see, never stood a chance of getting out of that family without severe scars. They all blame and fault find and finger point, and not a one of them ever takes personal responsibility for anything. It’s quite sad, really. Thank you for this post! I love your blog!
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 15:13:02
Thank you for sharing your story! It is difficult straddling that fence, isn’t it?
Your blog really spoke to me, I’m so glad we connected!
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 16:00:37
It is very hard straddling the fence. I love her more than words can express, but she is unable at this time to reciprocate, and I have to accept that for now. I am very glad, too!
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 18:04:01
That’s really great you can accept her where she is…not an easy thing to do!
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 12:12:50
Reblogged this on Thriving Survivor and commented:
The time is coming soon for me, and it’s somewhat a relief to hear someone else’s thoughts and feelings on their own journey.
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 13:51:20
You are not alone…it is a very difficult thing to do, but you are worth it!
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 11:39:26
Denise you are amazing! Your words are wise and well thought out. My estrangement is with my ex husband (the father of my children) It’s tough talking with him on the phone because I feel the same way. Am I crazy? I find myself feeling sorry for him, even though I let him have everything monetarily. Your most powerful statement that touched my soul is “I am not responsible for other people’s emotions or lives. ” Thank you for this post…I needed it.
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 12:06:33
Thank you, Debbie, for sharing. It is comforting to find others whose souls understand; you are such a person.
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 12:14:26
Huge compliment coming from you. I am so happy to have you in my life.
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 13:49:15
That’s a mutual feeling! 😉
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 11:02:15
The right thing to do is always the hardest. If your sister and neighbor were clueless to what you suffered during your childhood, then it makes sense that they would question you (but there is no justification to be cruel). Good for you for standing your ground and doing what you needed to be safe.
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 12:02:57
It really is the hardest, isn’t it? The right thing often feels so counter-intuitive; it makes it that much harder!
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts!
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 09:19:54
I think most strong individuals must strive to have a “meeting of the minds” with their parents, who live in an era different from ours based upon “space and time” which is not in anyone’s control. I didn’t totally understand where my parents were “coming from” until I too had crossed nearly every path they too had to cover in their life’s travels. This meant having not only had children, but have them grow up and also face poverty while the children (thank the Lord) have enough $$ to make it on their own. However, my one big “hurt” was when the folks did not visit for over 8 yrs. when they were too broke to do so, and not until I too faced this abyss could I conceive and understand the hurt they too dealt with. Thankfully, I had the $$ to visit them at least once a year during that time, but not until I “walked in their shoes” could I forgive them. Too often we judge our parents and rebuke them for not being the paragons of virtue and perfection we expect….when if we had to cover the same ground, we too would choose pretty much the same path.
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 09:56:56
Hi Kathleen, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this!
Different eras definitely bring different ideas. It can be really hard to tell when we are repeating family patterns or not.
So glad you took the time to comment!
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 08:16:12
Good morning, Denise. I woke up in my parent’s house and your poignant post about estrangement was the first thing I read. Wow. What a timely message.
You have such an incredible gift of writing about some of the most painful experiences with such grace and confidence. I always appreciate your writing.
To answer your question, yes, I’ve been estranged from my parents 2 times in the past 7 years. To come full circle in the midst of my mom’s brain cancer has been nothing short of miraculous and is only by God’s grace. I couldn’t agree more with you that estrangement being about safety, and I’m a firm believer that each person must seek that safety for himself/herself. It is the biggest step to healing and it is not without consequences as you so clearly described. I encounted much of the backlash you did, and when my mom was first diagnosed, I immediately thought I was to blame for her brain tumor because of the pressure I put on the family so I could heal. I have a dear, dear friend who I confided in about this thought of blame and she lovingly helped me see that it was not my fault. It’s amazing how much responsibility I took for everyone in my family. Thank God for the freedom of seeing that lie.
As I have entered this hell of brain cancer and my family converges together to try and support my parents, each of us is not only packing overnight clothes in a suitcase, but we’ve all hauled our childhood crap with us from the past. I hope and pray that each of us can glean as much healing as possible through this time, but it is not without huge consequences. I feel like I’ve been in practice for the past 6 years, and have just entered the biggest game and test of my life. I’m learning the fine art of respecting the process of each person in my family while balancing and honoring my own process and need for boundaries.
Life can be so messy. And it can feel hopelessly impossible to come through on a healthy side. But I can say that the past 6 years of recovery have been paying off for me greatly, and this time with my mom has been helpful. There are deep waters between us, and I can’t be so bold as to say I know where it’s heading. But this I know for sure: God loves me. He loves my mom. He loves all of us, and He is bigger than any abuse that ever took place.
As far as I’m concerned, some things from my past are sidelined right now. And I’m ok with that – for now.
Thanks, Denise. You always reach into my heart and invite the deepest part of me to be present. I have a lot of respect for you, and I’m so happy you’ve gained this beautiful health and freedom for yourself. keep going, sister!
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 08:46:05
Wow… I am stunned and nearly speechless. It was from the tug of my heart to write that this morning, not really understanding where it was coming from. Now it makes perfect sense.
Your have grown so much in your journey and I admire your strength, vulnerability and honesty. Life is messy! Your recovery skills will serve you well during the coming weeks and all you are going through. Keep hanging on, you’re doing great!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share this morning. It has touched my heart more than you know. Many hugs to you, my friend.
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 07:14:04
Yep… haven’t spoken to my dad in 30 years; same with 2 brothers; keep in touch with one brother; did keep in touch with mom but she died. So there it is… had to be done… no regrets.
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Oct 12, 2012 @ 08:39:02
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m glad you have no regrets, despite the pain. Take good care…
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