The day we told our then 19 year-old son he had to move out of the house I thought a part of me might die. It was one of the most difficult parenting choices we’ve ever made, but also one of the best.
Why did we do this nasty deed? He was a good kid. He was smart, polite and articulate. He had good friends and was a leader at youth group. He was an Eagle Scout for crying out loud! But, he was living out what we had taught him. We thought we were helping him, but we were actually enabling him.
Admitting Our Part
Although highly intelligent, he was floundering. He hadn’t done well in school and wasn’t working. My husband and I finally came to the unfortunate realization that we had created this situation with our codependence and it was up to us to reverse it. We had been resentful and angry over his ‘laziness’ and ‘irresponsibility’ for too long. Our son was resentful of my over-involvement and his dad’s under-involvement. All this resentment was building and it wasn’t pretty.
My husband and I slowly came to understand that through our misguided parenting style, we had developed an environment that made it too easy for him to make excuses about why he wasn’t doing well in school, why he didn’t have a job or why he didn’t have time to help around the house. We also knew we’d been treating him differently than our daughter for years, and that wasn’t fair, either. She’d been responsible and working hard all along. We’d really made a mess of things in this area.
Giving Him a Different Message
Our son spent hours playing video games and hanging out with friends. When asked if he’d applied for any jobs, he always had clever excuses about why that wasn’t coming together. There was just no winning the battle. We sought advice and were wisely counseled that in order to give him the message that he was capable, we had to treat him like he was capable. This meant no more coddling or nagging. It also meant pushing him out of the nest.
We gave him the dreaded speech along with a deadline for D-Day. He was surprised, but recognized we couldn’t be talked out of this one. He promptly got a house-sitting job and moved out before the deadline. We questioned our decision for weeks; made more difficult by the fact that in his hurt and anger he shut us out. He rarely called or texted and only came by when we weren’t home. There were signs he’d done his laundry and eaten. Although this was probably ‘cheating,’ we just couldn’t bring ourselves to deny those things to him. (It was exactly this type of justification we’d permitted all his life that had gotten us in this mess initially and yet we continued it!) It was really hard on us, this tough love stuff.
He really struggled for a time, but one day he called to say he was re-enrolling in school and was moving into an apartment with some friends near the university. He wanted us to come see it! Gradually, his attitude shifted, and he became more focused. Eventually we let him move back in with us for about a year while he went to school and worked. It’s been two years since he moved out and he’s truly living out his potential. Working in corporate, continuing his education, married and saving for a house. And, we have a much healthier relationship with him.
I asked his permission to tell this story to encourage other parents to consider how they might be contributing to a difficult situation with their own kids. He readily agreed. And while he acknowledges this was a challenging time for us all, I am grateful to report he also says we did the right thing. My husband and I learned yet another hard lesson in the damaging effects of dysfunctional parenting.
How about you? Have you had to deal with repercussions of codependent or enabling behavior?
Feb 13, 2018 @ 15:21:42
I have been going through an almost identical situation over the past few months and reading your story has not only brought tears to my eyes but a light at the end of the tunnel. I have totally pampered my 19 year old throughout the years after myself and his dad split and in the last 3-4 I have noticed a massive change in his personality, a sense of entitlement and a lack of respect for everyone especially me. I have walked on eggsells not wanting to upset him as I was concerned about mental health issues, but am now coming to the realisation that it’s purely a brat syndrome and that I have contributed to this. Last night I eventually exploded and he was made aware that I am not going to put up with this behaviour anymore. I will not be treated like a doormat and I will kick him out if necessary in fact he was told to pack his bags and go last night. Of course he didn’t and I am beside myself that I did this and wondering did I do the right thing, hence the internet search for others who have been where I currently am and came across your article. All I can say is thank you for sharing this, although I still feel like crap for doing what I had to do I also now feel that it was a necessary evil to put him on the road to adulthood.
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Feb 14, 2018 @ 05:21:53
Parenting is so hard…and counter-intuitive. I think it’s especially hard when I’ve thought what I was doing was the right thing -the best thing – then turns out it was the exact opposite of what was best. Agh! I’m sorry you are going through this with your son right now. It can get better, and I wish you both all the best. Keep me posted.
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Feb 15, 2018 @ 02:57:19
Hi there, I have just gone through the same a day ago. I love my son(19 turning 20) dearly and he is such a beautiful soul. His father and I broke up after 20 years and although I can fully understand the trauma this has created I will not allow him to disrespect me anymore. His father metally abused me for years and was unfaithful, I forgave and forgave but the last time I had it and had put my foot down and left – I had to.
I thought even through all our nonsense we where good parents, he can not say that we were not loving , as there were many hugs, kisses and I love you’s. If he needed something he got it (with the exception of games) but sporting gear, bicycles, clothing etc., he had the best. He had his room, all comfortable they way he liked it, never had to go hungry, never had to wonder if his going to be picked up from school. Had great birthday parties, had two dogs. He had a fairly good childhood in comparison with a lot of children. We thought him to pray and be thankful, to look after toys and to share. But I think we tried to make his life too comfortable, always ready and eager. I “helped” with homework, studies, assignments just to ensure he got grades.
As it is now, we have been bumping heads a lot about rules. Like smoking, staying out late, drinking etc. I have told him in no uncertain terms that as long as he staying in my house he will need to abide by the rules, if he doesn’t like it he can go…it felt like I was about to die as I don’t ever what him to think or feel I don’t love or care about him. But I told him I love him and that he is welcome, if he does good by the rules and brings his part.
About two days ago he got an opportunity to work as a waiter at the golf range restaurant (10 min from our home). An appointment was arranged for him,…he never pitched. When I asked him about it, he lied, saying the guy he had to see wasn’t there. When I got home at about 7pm, he ignored me, walked pass me and left the house without saying where he was going (he has a set of keys) After about an hour I sent him a message that he should please stay where he is or find another place to stay and he can make an appointment with me to collect his things – again I nearly died, my heart broke into 10 000 pieces.
He asked if I could come get him, I said no. You left without saying a word get back on your own (in the dark) About an half an hour later he was home. I told him this morning, he is going to have to swallow his pride to earn some money. Waitering is not beneath him. I will now not provide a lift to and from friends, no airtime, no data, no spending money. If he wants these things he needs to go earn money. I feel ill and I am so scared that I will loose my son but I am reminded of the periodical son and I pray and place my hope in the Lord. I said to my son I will be here for him always, but only if he chooses the right path. I will have no part in it if he chooses the “wrong” one. It is up to him.
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Feb 15, 2018 @ 05:30:46
Hi Yolande, thank you for sharing your story here. Being a parent is incredibly hard. I’m not sure why doing the right thing has to hurt so badly but it sure does. You are not alone. Keep me posted how you’re doing. Take care.
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Mar 27, 2017 @ 05:21:31
This is an excellent article. I’m very honored that you would chose to share it with others in order to help them. And I am proud of your son and his new choices! And proud of his parents too. 🙂
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Mar 27, 2017 @ 10:20:59
Thanks Karen! it was a tough time for all of us, but a few years later he continues to tell us that was one of the best things we did ‘for’ him -not ‘to’ him. Parenting is not for the faint of heart…!!
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Mar 19, 2017 @ 16:36:41
I am bookmarking this article. I need to come back to it, I’m sure again and again. I have a 19 year old son who manipulates and is passive aggressive. Fortunately, he does not drink or do drugs. But..he is lazy and plays a victim role. His father left us several years ago, and I believe this is part of his issues. Although, I am now in a new and very loving relationship, I feel stuck with this. We are in therapy and I’m setting a deadline for my son’s exit…what he does with his exit will be up to him. Thanks for the insight, I will revisit this blog again. Thank you. T
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Mar 26, 2017 @ 16:26:24
Hi T, I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. This particular situation seems to be all too common. I recently read some other perspectives on it that seemed to fit as well. One said sometimes we allow the kids to stay at home because it helps us feel better, even though we really are not helping them. Another person mentioned that if the teen is afraid of failing as an adult, they will purposely (although unconsciously) be ‘lazy’ to avoid the adult world. Some things to ponder… I wish you all the best, and thank you for stopping by!!
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Nov 23, 2012 @ 06:25:31
Codependency can be so harmful. You did your son the greatest favor ever (besides nurturing him into adulthood and educating him). Parents in Asia actually encourage their sons to stay home even after they’ve married!! Lol so we can imagine how codependent most Asian men are.Well, the South Asian ones.
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Nov 23, 2012 @ 07:22:16
It really is terribly harmful in so many ways. I wonder if there are those in the Asian culture who agree, but are not inclined to speak up? It’s not easy going against the flow.
Thanks for your comments!
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Nov 23, 2012 @ 07:26:55
No it’s not easy going against the flow. never is but by smothering kids and not wanting to ‘hurt’ them, some parents just hurt them even more. A case of the road to hell being paved with good intentions. The Asians suffer because of it. though they’ll never admit it. Instead they’ll praise the unity of the family and blah blah and blah.
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Nov 23, 2012 @ 08:11:54
That’s really sad. It must be hard to see it unfolding around you.
Unfortunately, good intentions never guarantee good results! Doing the ‘right’ thing often feels wrong because it’s so hard.
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Nov 23, 2012 @ 08:15:00
Exactly, Denise. Couldn’t have said it better. And as for feeling sad for these people…I did once…but they enjoy being mollycoddled by their parents. In fact they expect it. Rather disgusting. so sadness has made way for contempt in that regard. They say it’s a different culture. Poor excuse.
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Oct 28, 2012 @ 13:49:31
Yup, I understand. My oldest daughter couldn’t see why she couldn’t just live in our basement forever. She was terrified of being kicked out, seeing it as abandonment. So we started an “independence plan” that involved paying us rent to live in our basement, etc. She moved out a year ago and is truly thriving. The plan worked by teaching her financial responsibility (buying her own car, paying her own insurance, her own cell phone plan, etc.) while living with us so that she was capable of living on her own. Same problem, different solution, same great result!
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Oct 28, 2012 @ 18:29:02
What a fantastic story! Great outcome and a win-win for all involved!!!
Thanks for the peek into your family solution to an age-old problem.
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Oct 04, 2012 @ 08:51:50
Today, tough love means not riding in on my big white horse and saving anyone who I perceived needed my help. If I travel down that road there is a big gorilla ready to beat me up. My experience is that the person I rode in to help did not want my help. They were resentful toward me. It took a long time for me to understand the message I was sending was you cannot do it on your own..I need to control the outcome- let me fix it. The other peice of the puzzle was, if I take on your problems and fix them- things can get better. Life works in the opposite- things got worse for me and the person I tried to help. I help and then expected them to act or be who I wanted them to be- not who they were. This was and still is a tough lesson for me to learn and painful to those around me.
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Oct 04, 2012 @ 10:15:23
It takes a lot of self reflection to get where you are today.
Congratulations!
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Oct 04, 2012 @ 06:43:43
Out of the fog is welcome, I’ve come out of a long, dark tunnel. My dysfunctional upbringing and abuse have become hazy memories and seldom bother me anymore. There is no way out but through but the beauty is you don’t have to look back anymore. Keep trekking forward.
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Oct 04, 2012 @ 07:15:56
It’s so great to hear stories like yours. And very true that the only way out is through. Thank you so much for sharing!
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Oct 02, 2012 @ 09:18:42
Way to go! I discovered Foster Cline’s natural consequences method of parenting early on in our recovery and it saved my bacon. I was learning what NOT to do in therapy but was clueless on how to proceed. This was passed around by word of mouth with 12 step parents and I am so grateful. I was lucky to be able to follow through with the tips and it worked beautifully. Ironically he talks about some parents can’t follow through with drawing the line with consequences, hence enabling becomes the issue. Bravo! It’s a testament to your recoveries, and the beauty is get’s easier with practice. It has also helped me with my own issues.
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Oct 02, 2012 @ 09:41:59
That is a method/program I’ve never heard of before. Thank you for the recommendation. 😉
It is amazing how much easier new behavior becomes if we keep practicing it. We found that it helped with our own issues, too!
Thanks for sharing your story!
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Oct 01, 2012 @ 10:19:42
What a brave step you took. I’m happy that you and your husband were able to work together to redirect your son. Too often, a case like this has the power to put couples on opposite sides. The very fact you all pulled together, no matter how long it took, is a huge victory and really speaks to the core strength of your family. 🙂
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Oct 01, 2012 @ 14:39:51
Thanks! Yes, it was a challenge just getting us both on the same page! Parenting is a huge issue in a marriage!
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 23:31:51
Denise, what a valuable thing to share. I wish more parents were able to face their mistakes and seek a way to rectify them – we all make them, it’s the acknowledging we have trouble with!
You were so brave to do what you did. And I am so pleased for you, your husband and your son that it worked out so well in the end and he is now enjoying life to the full.
You are truly an inspiration with your honesty and wisdom.
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Oct 01, 2012 @ 05:29:28
Hi fandina! Thanks so much for your comments! It is so hard to admit our mistakes!
A big component was the fact my husband was equally on board or I doubt the results would be the same.
I love reading your blog posts on family and life. You have a wonderfully refreshing perspective!
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 20:35:40
What a difficult and excruciating experience this must have been for you and your husband, Denise. I have three children and I cried for days when each of them left to ‘spread their wings’. There are feelings of guilt and the need to wrap them in cotton wool – but they survive and always come back. Kudos to you for doing this for the sake of your son’s future.
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Oct 01, 2012 @ 04:24:48
Hi Dianne, oh your words ring so true! I cried, too -after both of his move outs!
Our daughter moved out a couple years prior to that, and I would go sit in her room and cry because I missed her so much.
Now both kids smile and shake their heads at me for crying back then, but I know what’s in store for them if they ever become parents!
I never knew what heartache it would be for them to grow up and move away!
I’m so glad your 3 also came back after spreading their wings. It definitely helps a parent’s heart mend.
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 18:59:38
Denise, I have been in your shoes, only mine had a wife and baby at 19. I won’t go into details, as he doesn’t know I’m writing this, but that was the most excruciating experience of my life. It was harder than losing my mother to a sudden death. But I knew it had to be done. He became a single dad before his 20th birthday and grew up incredibly in the months he was estranged from us. He now owns his own business. His “baby” is 16, the light of his and our lives.
I can’t imagine a job harder than parenting.
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 19:20:43
Oh Esther…my heart aches for what you all must have gone through during that difficult time. You stayed strong, even though it must have been excruciating to do so.
I admire that so much. He is also reaping the rewards of your tough love. Congratulations, mom! 😉
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 18:02:04
Oh, I love this, Denise! You must be so happy…do you mind sharing some of the enabling things you did along the way? I wrestle with boundaries as a mom ( I know, no surprise) and I often second guess if I’m being too hard/too easy. It would be so helpful if you had any signposts to share. Congratulations to your son…and you and your husband.
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 19:19:11
Thank you! Oh the ways I enabled…let me count them! 😉
I’ll get back to you on that after I’ve thought on it a bit.
It is sooo hard finding that balance especially if we didn’t have good role models teaching us.
Thanks for sharing, it’s always nice to hear from you!
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Oct 01, 2012 @ 09:59:34
Thanks, Denise. I’m more mindful today because of your post…
It’s tough to know ahead of time whether I’m being helpful or enabling. Such a journey…:)
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Oct 01, 2012 @ 14:38:39
Wow! That really makes my day! Thank you for sharing that.
It is a really tough job! I commend you for all your effort! That speaks volumes about the mom you are!!
(PS I haven’t forgotten about your previous questions! 😉 )
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 16:39:35
Yeah for you! I didn’t get a chance to kick out my son. He spent his last two high school years in a military academy. His wicked step-mother wanted him out of her house. At first I was horrified, but then thought it would be good for him to get out on his own, away from the witch and away from his overbearing father. He graduated with honors and joined the Air Force. He’s a great example of a good son, awesome husband (married 12 years and still going strong) and father, and a credit to the uniform. Paying it forward by way of good discipline – my 7 y.o. and 5 y.o. grandsons cleaned their playroom, emptied all the garbage cans, vacuumed and cleaned up the living room today – voluntarily. So I guess we are all doing something right here.
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 19:16:37
Thanks for sharing that story, Karen! Your son sounds like an amazing young man! Pass along thanks for his service to our country!
Your grandsons sound like they are easy to have around. Congrats on all the fine young men in your family!!
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 14:47:43
My mother and father made my brother leave their house; I don’t remember how old he was, but he was definitely in his twenties. He wound up jobless and homeless. His homelessness became so chronic that they finally bought him a condo so they wouldn’t have to know he had nowhere to sleep. Now, my father is in a nursing home and my brother is still in the condo. My sister discovered that he is receives a monthly stipend. My mother died four years ago. My sister is faced with the difficult task of ending the stipend; I am sure she can do it.
I believe my brother is mentally ill and has been all of his life. Your son is obviously not. My parents were definitely co-dependent, though they tried very hard to get him to go to counseling of some kind. He wouldn’t go.
I think it’s so difficult to know how strong someone is, emotionally and mentally. It’s wonderful that your son is doing so well. Even better, you were brave enough to do it.
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 19:13:13
Thank you so much for sharing this difficult story.
I am so sorry about your brother’s situation. It is really hard to know what to do. It sounds like your parents tried to find the balance of easing their guilt while trying to help him be independent. What a difficult line to follow.
My heart goes out to your sister as she faces the challenge ahead.
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 14:41:50
Tough love is so hard to carry out when it involves our kids, but you recognized the problem and fixed it – and now look at what your son has achieved because of your “tough love”. Your son is no doubt thanking you for it. You have my admiration – well done!
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 19:11:06
Thank you, Barb! You’re so right -tough love is hardest when it involves our kids. Ouch!
Thanks for your input!
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 12:33:41
Few things harder than that! You were very brave! 🙂
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 12:40:20
Brave? I felt guilty, terrified and worried! But, I was determined to fix what I’d done 😉
Being a parent is quite the roller coaster ride! Thanks for commenting!
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 10:52:13
wow, I applaud your conviction to tough it out. That’s a testament to real, true love and goes against what our hearts say. We always want them with us, but so often they need a little push to fly from the nest! I never experienced that exact scenario, but if I had, I would have hoped to have been as courageous and loving as you! Well done, momma!
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 12:27:10
Ah, thank you! You speak words of wisdom that true love sometimes goes against our hearts. It can seem so counter-intuitive to do the right thing.
And it was very painful admitting we had a part of the mess in the first place!
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 10:32:41
that is heavy. I commend you on seeing what was needed to be done and taking action. Our children are our hardest job in life and at times it is harder on us then them. I have walked in your shoes and it is so emotional, the worry a parent has and the want for success for their child are emotions that only another parent can understand. I totally feel you and i am so happy that your son go it as I see so many others that do not.
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 12:25:12
Oh it was excruciatingly hard! I cried for days wondering if we’d done the right thing! You are so right that it’s definitely harder on the parents!
Thanks for your encouragement!
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 09:09:04
Good for you. It’s never easy, this ‘tough love’, but in the end, it’s better for all concerned.
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 12:23:45
So true! Thanks for commenting!
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