**Warning: This may be triggering, it is graphic.
She stood in the small, tidy kitchen desperate to stop the pain.
The overwhelming fear, loneliness and sadness had painted her into this bleak, dark corner. Something had to change; she could not live this way any longer.
The silence of the empty house was deafening. The heavy odor of cigarettes hung in the air, adding to her already throbbing headache. They would be gone until dinner, still at least an hour away. She had some time to really think, although her options were limited.
Her heart pounded with fear and uncertainty, but just thinking of a way out gave her a rising sense of power. He was a powerful man in this small town and had created a seemingly airtight bubble around himself. They lived in an isolated town of 500 residents, accessible only by air. He was the boss at the largest employer in town and a member of the school board. (He hadn’t quite yet been elected the first-ever mayor.) Everywhere she turned, his influence loomed and she was afraid to reach out for help.
There were several guns in the house, but she never considered using one. Ironically, she was afraid of them. The carving knives on the counter beckoned, however, and promised an end to the pain. They were shiny, big and powerful. She felt better already, knowing an escape was possible.
She gradually readied her plan. She would use the biggest knife to do the most damage and make it the bloodiest possible. She was angry, and for that she wanted blood everywhere, to make a statement. But, as a concession to having been a burden her whole life, she would do it in the kitchen to make cleaning up the mess a little easier. She would use both hands and stab it straight into her heart and twist it, if she could, just like he had taught her out hunting. She would do it today, now, while they were at someone else’s house.
As she stood resigned, holding the cold metal knife, it occurred to her that she might not die. What if, like everything else in her life, she couldn’t even do this right? The repercussions would be dire for shaming them, especially him. On the other hand, what if she did die? She would have to explain to God why her final act on earth was murder, even if it was only of her own self. She wasn’t sure how God would feel about that and she really didn’t want to go to hell. Somehow, she knew the hell she was living in now was temporary. And yet…her pain was that intolerable.
The dilemma distressed her and she vacillated, her resolve beginning to waver. If she wasn’t successful, she would have to face her father; and if she was, she’d have to face her Father.
She is me – when I was 10 years old.
This wasn’t easy to share, but I felt compelled to do so. Though I may never know if it helped someone else feel less alone and a bit more hopeful – it is my heart’s desire. Thank you for indulging me to share something so difficult.
Mar 23, 2014 @ 13:33:54
Powerful.
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Mar 26, 2014 @ 13:06:58
Thank you, Sheri.
It was so hard to write, yet very freeing.
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Jan 08, 2013 @ 23:25:12
This made me cry. The poor little 10-year-old girl you were, in so much unbearable pain. Oh, Honey…. I’m so so sorry that you were in that much pain.
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Jan 09, 2013 @ 05:36:02
Thanks, Lynda.
This was hard to share, but surprisingly healing. There are so many kind and compassionate people out there, including yourself, that have helped my heart heal by accepting me. It is a marvelous thing…to be accepted and acknowledged.
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Oct 02, 2012 @ 09:54:19
This is so painful but yet so beautiful. I’m glad I could read this and I have a friend I hope reads this as well. Blessings to you!
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Oct 02, 2012 @ 10:00:05
Thank you so much… I hope it is helpful for your friend.
Hugs and blessings back to you…
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 07:01:16
Thank you for visiting my blog as it led me here. I honour the child you were, so desperate to escape and yet not wanting to be a bother. I honour all of us, and we are many, who came through a horrendous childhood to become women of grace and beauty. I chose to escape within myself, into a wooden box, deep inside where I could be safe and I stayed there for many many years. And somehow, through a lot of healing work, I was able to flatten that box and use it as a platform for dancing. Walk in beauty, dear one.
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Sep 30, 2012 @ 08:01:19
Thank you so much! I am so glad you, too, were able to find healing.
I have a friend who also found dance as a wonderful platform for herself.
Your blog is lovely -I enjoyed reading about how you chose your name.
Thank you for visiting, and for sharing. Hugs to you…
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Sep 29, 2012 @ 20:36:00
you put eloquence to a pain-filled moment in time…
what strength you must have today…..!
Thank you for sharing this part of you…..
Take Care…
You Matter….
)0(
ladyblue….
(thank you for stopping by, I appreciated the kindness,
please come again…)
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Sep 29, 2012 @ 22:08:06
Thank you so much for visiting my blog and taking the time to leave such a sweet note. Your heart is kind and gentle.
I enjoyed your blog, you have lovely poetry and I love the ‘thoughts of the day’ you share, also. 😉
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Sep 28, 2012 @ 20:24:51
Denise:
Thank you so much for your courageous sharing, and for making it honest and real. I am so sorry you had to feel that way! I identify with your story but as an adult survivor, (especially the part about choosing the kitchen). And I know that it is in the telling of our stories, in a way that creates IDENTIFICATION, that others understand and become motivated to pass the word to create awareness and change in their own circles of influence. So that sometime, maybe another 10 year old girl WON’T feel that way.
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Sep 28, 2012 @ 20:29:55
It’s so true -being able to tell our stories makes us feel Real. Finally. We can be ourselves and find others who ‘speak the language.’
It is freeing and healing! You address very sensitive topics on your blog, too, and I’m sure others who have experienced similar situations are grateful for you speaking up about it.
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Sep 27, 2012 @ 16:47:33
Oh I just want to put my arms around your 10 year old self and hug you for hours! I am so grateful that you are here. You were very brave at 10 and very brave now. I applaud your honesty, your courage and your inspiration. xo
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Sep 27, 2012 @ 16:56:04
Thank you so much for reading and commenting…and I will gratefully accept your hug 😉 Thanks for your encouragement, it is so appreciated!
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Sep 26, 2012 @ 17:46:28
Denise, this is a very traumatic, yet inspiring story. You did not use the knife and you survived to tell us how truly injured you have been on the inside. Kudos to you my friend for being so brave on so many fronts!
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Sep 26, 2012 @ 17:52:31
Thanks, Dianne, it was hard to share but I’m glad I did.
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Sep 26, 2012 @ 09:01:37
Proper parenting is a skill that is learned and rarely taught…..there should be classes for everyone from grade school on…since most of us experience being a parent or Aunt or Uncle at some point in our lives. There is nothing more important than raising a child to be all that he or she can be in respect for self and fellow human beings, taking care of oneself in that respect (working) with the pride known by those who realize they are loved unconditionally.
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Sep 26, 2012 @ 09:25:13
Hi Kathleen! What a great idea! To teach good parenting Before disaster strikes! Thanks for sharing, and welcome!
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Sep 26, 2012 @ 07:01:46
You are brave to share this, Denise. It is a powerful gift of vulnerability, and while you may never know whose life you have touched, I hope this has in some way contributed to your own healing.
Do you know Dr. Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability? Cool stuff. Look her up on Amazon.
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Sep 26, 2012 @ 07:13:24
Hi Elizabeth! Thank you so much! Actually, I think you are right…in a way the more I tell my story, the more I heal.
This blogging community is incredible and I am so blessed.
I haven’t heard of Dr. Brown’s work, thank you for the suggestion. I will definitely look that up.
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 20:48:26
I nominated you for the “one lovely blog award.” You have an excellent blog.
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Sep 26, 2012 @ 06:14:52
Wow! What an honor! Thank you very much!
I will devote my next blog to paying it forward!
Thanks again, that was so thoughtful!
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 18:15:06
My heart goes to the little girl and to the woman today who is full of courage and strength. As I read everything you write, I always say a prayer that someone who is going through something similar, reads your posts and finds their own strength and courage and seek the help they may need. You are an amazing person. Hugs ~ Patty
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 18:20:26
Patty, your comments are always so thoughtful and sweet! Thank you for your prayers for those who read my posts.
(Thanks, too, for your awesome hugs!)
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 17:52:20
Oh Denise. My heart breaks that little girl. Your courage and strength in surviving all that I read behind the lines in this piece is a testament to the amazing woman you are today.
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 17:55:02
Thank you, Linda. Your kind words are a treasure to me. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment.
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 14:41:23
I can so relate with your post, with those feelings, and my heart goes out to the 10 year old girl that you were. It sounds like you’ve gone through so much, but haven’t let it get the best of you…I truly admire that. There are times I still feel I’m at that age, where I’m backed into a corner and without any options. It’s frustrating, but I try not to get weighed down with those feelings. Reading your posts helps me put things in perspective, and to remember that things do get better. Thank you
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 14:47:46
So nice to hear from you, lizabethf! Isn’t it amazing how the little one in us shows up unexpectedly?
Thanks for visiting and sharing some of yourself…I’m so glad the post spoke to you. Thank you for letting me know.
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 14:37:44
That really was hard to share wasn’t it?
I don’t know what else to say – except (maybe) that I have a good idea what you went through and to get this far in your life is a real accomplshment. Of course I don’t know you personally (and this is my first visit here), but I can sense this from what you’ve shared and the fact that you shared it.
For what’s its worth, even though God is in my life, I still get that feeling every once in while, right out of the blue – but it always passes (if I let it – or give it to Him)… Guess in one way I’m not as strong as I think, but in another way I’m stronger than I think – or then again maybe I just have more help than I realize?
Anyway… great & powerful post/sharing.
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 14:43:23
Hi, thanks for visiting and taking the time to comment. Yes, it was painfully difficult to share. I think having God in our lives doesn’t immunize us to those deepest pangs of pain, but if we remember to lean on Him during the dark He is faithful to bring us through.
😉 My guess is you are stronger than you think, and perhaps partly why is because of all the help you have enlisted!
Thanks for your feedback and encouragement. I can tell you are quite a thinker from your blog!
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 10:53:00
This stood out to me immediately: “She would use the biggest knife to do the most damage and make it the bloodiest possible. She was angry, and for that she wanted blood everywhere, to make a statement.”
I wonder if your anger kept you alive and determined to find a way out. Sometimes, I feel like anger is a wonderful emotion because it helps us to realize that we don’t deserve this treatment. Anger gives us a voice where fear and depression sometimes tend to keep us quiet.
This was a moving piece of your history. Thank you for sharing it with us. Stay strong. 🙂
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 11:18:08
That is such a great point, and definitely true in my case. My anger was the source of much of my strength for many years. My challenge became how to use it appropriately when I was no longer in danger.
Thanks for taking the time to share your insight!
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 08:16:05
Reblogged this on meinventing's Blog and commented:
An inspiring hero in her story…I’m already a better person because of her sharing her life experiences. Thank you Denise.
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 08:28:23
What an honor! Thank you so very much!
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 08:43:16
The honor is all mine! You brought tears to my eyes, moved me and inspired me. I know with my little company I have formed. I want part of the proceeds to go to help and educate females about abuse. (I am lucky and blessed to have a supportive family) Because of your post today I will be making phone calls I have been putting off day after day. One of the first questions I will ask them is, what about refuge for children of abusive parents. So, thank you.
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 09:07:45
I am nearly speechless…your tears are now mine, too, as I am so incredibly humbled by your words. What a testament to your own tenacity and courage that you have started an organization devoted to helping those who are wearing the shoes you once did. It will be exciting to hear how those calls go and the difference you make in so many lives. I applaud you, my new friend…
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 09:46:36
Thank you … I will update you…you have me crying also. I am so grateful to have you as a friend.
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 08:00:25
Praising God that His tender spirit spoke to your heart even at such a tender age in moments of deep despair and pain that no child should ever have to go through. Denise, it is so apparent that God is still allowing your painful past to help others and bring Him glory. Thank you for having the courage and trust to share such raw emotions/memories – your example and endurance is a blessing to us all. Love you……………
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 08:21:40
Thanks, Karen! He has carried me through some very difficult times, and I am honored He is allowing my story to help others feel hope for healing, too.
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 07:36:33
I am humbled by you. I endured abuse as an adult and still find my self reaching for headphones hoping the music will replace his words in my head. My heart goes out deeply to children who have had their precious childhood stolen. It is the worst abuse and crime against God. You are an incredibly amazing person who shines brightly for others to have comfort and hope. Thank you for sharing. I know it is not easy.
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 08:23:12
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am sorry for the pain you endured. No matter how long the abuse goes on, the effects last much longer. Thanks also for your kind encouragement.
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 21:21:57
Thoughts like yours lived in my mind for many years, but there was never opportunity. We had no sharp knives, no guns, no poisons. I thought about cars, trains etc but two things stopped me. Firstly, the fear of becoming badly crippled instead of dying, and secondly the trauma it would cause the driver of the car.
When I turned 17 I obtained my licence and was riding a motor cycle. Opportunity at last! I had a large, solid concrete bridge pylon picked out. It would be so easy to hit that head on at full speed and I could do it late at night when no one else was around, so it would only be me involved.
I endured abuse for another 5 years after that. I looked at that pylon every time I travelled over that bridge, but ‘something’ always stopped me.
At 22 years of age, a definite man hater, convinced that no one had ever loved me or could ever love me, I was about to become a Roman Catholic nun, to work in an orphanage. God didn’t come into my thinking, because I didn’t know if there was such a person, but I wanted to work with children.
Then God stepped into my life and HE changed me completely. He gave me life – abundant life and for the last 54 years He has been the loving Father I never knew and everything I could ever need.
What an amazing God!
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 22:07:45
Thank you so much for sharing your incredible story! I am so saddened by the abuse and pain you suffered during those years.
What a gift to hear of your journey and how God transformed your life! I am blessed by your vulnerability and honesty.
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 20:34:52
Wow, my friend. Such courage and such grace. And such powerful writing. I felt like I was standing in the kitchen with you. So happy you are still standing.
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 22:04:57
Thanks, Laura…That means so much from you! I’m glad to still be here, too!
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 17:29:26
I had to read this several times to let the words sink in. You are and were so brave and especially to share your pain.
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 18:58:38
Thank you, I appreciate that so much…
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 17:00:47
Oh my word. This is amazingly done. You have come such a long way in your journey. Thank you for sharing your amazing story.
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 18:57:55
Thank you, your words mean so much to me. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 08:23:42
I just started following your blog because a friend shared with me. Your bravery and honesty is to be admired. You are giving others permission to tell their story. That is using your voice to help and inspire the voiceless…Thank you for sharing this. It will help someone to feel less alone. You inspire me!
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 08:28:43
Thank you so much, Amy. Your words are precious and I will hold them close to my heart.
It is my hope that by sharing my story it will make a difference in someone else’s life.
Please tell your friend thank you for sharing my site with you, that is a compliment I don’t take lightly.
And thank you for taking the time to follow, and comment. I do appreciate it very much.
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 08:11:19
Denise, this is incredibly vulnerable of you to share. I honor your willingness to be so open, what a selfless gift. I’m so sorry you went through such hell and I’m so glad you chose not to end your life. I can relate to that choice at various moments in my life, starting also in my childhood. It breaks my heart to think about children feeling that way right now.
Do you work with children? Your message of hope and resiliance is so beautiful. Thanks again for sharing the real struggle. This will help everyone who reads it.
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 08:32:39
It truly is so sad thinking about children wanting to die. Sometimes I still weep for my 10 year-old self, she was so desperate. The stories you have shared about this struggle spoke to me as well. It is still a taboo subject; thank you for stepping into that zone, too. We can walk this together as there is strength in sharing.
I have not worked with children in this capacity, although I would be honored to do so.
Thank you so much for your continued support…
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 09:31:47
Yes, there is strength in sharing. Scary work but SO worth it. Glad we can do it together.
🙂
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 08:02:39
This blog post is so powerful. While all of it spoke to me, I had to stop and read this again – “…she would do it in the kitchen to make cleaning up the mess a little easier.” So profound, that you would think about the clean up at a time like this. Awesome post, Denise. You give strength to others; your courage is amazing.
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 08:36:02
Thank you, Karen. Your support and kindness have become sources of strength for me.
I felt such an equal pull between anger and guilt. I wanted to make a huge mess, but I felt guilty for it, too. Crazy making…
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 07:23:09
I am in awe. I can’t imagine all that’s gone into your so profound evolution since then!
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 07:31:16
Thank you so very much. Your validation and encouragement is greatly appreciated…
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