Although my journey of abuse began as far back as I can remember, my journey of recovery began with a wake-up call in my 30’s. But first a little background…
I’d made up my mind at a very young age not to ever be like my parents. I vowed never to be addicted to anything and to never be intimidating like my dad. Little did I know the very things we despise in our parents are woven into our beings like a tapestry of tightly spun wool. We do what we know until we know something different. Some things are easier to know than others.
No Anger Problems Here!
I’d always prided myself on being strong and independent. I was completely unaware I had an anger problem and how destructive it was. If anyone would have suggested this was so, my response probably would have been a stony glare followed by a hostile “I’m opinionated; I do not have an anger problem!”
In hindsight, I can see my anger had been building for many years. Holding in all the abuse that happened to me made the anger leak out in ways I never realized. I thought if I didn’t talk about my past maybe it just didn’t exist. But like a hungry cancer, it was silently destroying me and taking my family down too. Anger and control had become my addictions. They were borne of self-preservation, but now were self-destructive.
One fateful day, I yelled at one of my kids and the sad, scared look in their eyes hit me hard. It was like looking in a mirror as I was reminded of the feeling I always got when my dad said something so cruel it crushed my spirit. How could I not have noticed before? In that moment, I saw the obvious. I was verbally abusive. It snuck up on me and I was devastated.
I Needed Help, But I Was Scared
I knew I needed help (I could NOT be like my dad!), so nervously went to see a therapist. It occurred to me she would probably tell me I was crazy or beyond hope. I really didn’t want to hear the bad news; but ultimately I felt like the bad news at home was already worse than anything she could tell me. With God’s grace, I was determined to do my part to stop the cycle of anger.
She didn’t tell me I was crazy. In fact, she told me there was indeed hope and that I could change. There were many things to learn about myself before I began to make changes, though. I had to learn that my idea of normal was definitely not normal. I also had to learn that relationship problems weren’t just caused by the other person; that I actually had a part in them, too. (ouch!) Probably one of the most important lessons I learned is this: “We are hurt in relationships, and we heal in relationships.” We can’t figure ourselves out or fix ourselves. All the untrue relational things we were taught must be re-learned in emotionally healthy relationships.
I’ll never forget that hurt look in my child’s eyes. While I regret it ever came to that, I will also be forever grateful God gave me a wake-up call and the strength to answer it.
How about you? Have you had a wake-up call? Did you or will you answer it?
Nov 23, 2013 @ 17:57:21
Love your insights, Denise. I remember a counsellor saying I must be holding a lot of anger. Yet, I felt not a bit of anger. How is that – you possess something and do not know it?
Really great insights here, Denise. You are not like your parents, be assured.
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Nov 24, 2013 @ 07:04:26
Thank you so much, Noeleen! It has been my life mission Not To Be Like My Parents.
It’s funny…I remember my counselor telling me I was depressed. I laughed at her and said that was way off base because I was one of the happiest people I knew! Well, I’ve learned a lot about depression since that day, and now I know what she saw.
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Oct 04, 2012 @ 09:06:14
The house I grew up in we were allowed a couple of emotions: anger, and happiness. I was good at hiding my emotions behind my anger. If I could only stay angry I would not have to feel any other emotions. I was emotionally cut off from the world. Angry the people I was attracted to were not honest or emotionally available. Little did I understand then. I could not sustain a relationship deeper than surface things. I couldn’t let people know I burried my heart in the deepest darkest dongeon, encased in ice on life support- they would think I was crazy…I am many things but not crazy!!!
As the ice melted and my heart was taken off of life support- I started to let my self feel the pain behind the anger- which terrified me. I was depressed for months. I go to a 12 step program and am learning to be honest about my own feelings and not saying or doing things because I know it will bother me but make others happy. I look forward to seeing my friends and being who I really am, even if I am still afraid they will not like who I am! I am able to love and be loved, when I isolated myself I could not feel love from others or God. Today, I have left the deep dark places and I live in the light more often.
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Oct 04, 2012 @ 10:16:29
Thanks for sharing, Lynn.
Anger works well for awhile, but it can become an enemy. Good for you for facing that demon head-on!
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Sep 19, 2012 @ 20:15:24
I knew from hearing parents share in my 12 step group that my recovery would prepare me for the day my kids would confront me on my behavior. It is amazing to be able to look my kids in the eye and say, yep you are absolutely right, I screwed up big time and I take full responsibility. I’m so sorry. It was one of the most liberating moments of my recovery. Awareness is a powerful, powerful thing. Congratulations!
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Sep 19, 2012 @ 21:35:57
Thank you! And congratulations to you for providing a safe, healing place for your kids to confront you. What a marvelous gift you have given them.
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Sep 19, 2012 @ 12:13:34
My wake up call was the day I realised I was waiting for a wake up call. I read and heard all these stories about how people changed after they’ve been in a terrible accident or been through a tragedy.
Long story short, I’m still learning about myself, one step at a time.
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Sep 19, 2012 @ 13:33:16
Admitting we need a wake-up call is a fantastic step out!
I think we are all learning one step at a time…I doubt if I could handle more than one at a time! 😉
Thanks for taking the time to comment!
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Sep 19, 2012 @ 08:13:43
Thanks for sharing your journey Denise. Your honesty shines through & touches my soul. Keep on thriving!
brad
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Sep 19, 2012 @ 08:21:08
Thanks, Brad! We are both on journeys of thriving!
Keep up your great posts!
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Sep 17, 2012 @ 18:33:26
Denise – you have a window into my soul. The more I “hid” my past and told people what I wanted my past to be like was burying me alive in anger and frustration . I am working through it and getting past it. I can’t say I was abused for me it was the shame of having an alcoholic father and the embarrassment he put us through. My shame turned to anger before I realized it. I never put it into words before…thank you for reaching out to us. Blessings – Patty
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Sep 17, 2012 @ 20:19:57
Oh Patty…your words touch my heart! I understand exactly what you mean. It’s like the anger just has a life of its own!
I’m so glad you are working through your anger and pain. Thank you for sharing; I’m honored.
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Sep 17, 2012 @ 15:27:48
Anger was never my problem. I didn’t get angry about being abused, simply because I never thought I WAS abused. I was evil, so I deserved everything that happened. I knew nothing good would ever happen to me. Anger was a useless emotion.
My problem was withdrawing into myself, and of ignoring something to the extent that it just didn’t exist in my thinking. That can be dangerous. There were numerous times that I realised how silly my thinking was, but it continued. Thankfully it has passed – well, almost – I can still shut the doors on an untidy cupboard and forget they need a good clean out!
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Sep 17, 2012 @ 16:36:58
It took me a long time to admit it for what it was, too. Abuse is such a dirty word.
I’m glad you’ve recognized your withdrawl isn’t healthy. Thanks for reaching out and taking the time to comment.
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Sep 17, 2012 @ 11:38:42
Oh my goodness. I seriously have chills. I’m so glad you answered your wake up call an ended the family cycle. It really makes me cry to think of your courage in facing the truth.
Yes, as you know from my blog, I had a huge wake up call 6 years ago when I decided to stop numbing myself with my addictions and dove head-long into my buried childhood trauma. I did it 100% for my kids. Not for myself . Only for them because I loved them with a fierce love that forced me to face all my PTSD and depression. I wanted to be a better mom. They kept me from suicide and losing myself in the trauma. Looking back I can see how God used my love for my kids to bring me into His love for me. It was dangerous, terrifying work but it has been worth every panic attack, primal scream, and agonizing terror I’ve faced. I now continue to heal not only for my kids but because I give a da%# for myself and my life matters. Jesus loves all of us with a love we’ve never known and I can barely take it in most days. I’m so glad you know this love. You’re an inspiration to me. Thanks for being real and authentic. The truth not only sets us free but it frees others too.
keep going, sister. I love being connected to your journey.
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Sep 17, 2012 @ 13:57:22
You and I have so much in common…it’s truly amazing and I love how God brought us together! You speak so many words straight from my heart! 😉
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Sep 17, 2012 @ 10:41:50
To have role models like your parents, it is no surprise you might harbor some of the same feelings/moods/behavior. I think you’re amazingly brave to have faced it all and decided you weren’t going to repeat the cycle. That takes a lot of guts. 🙂
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Sep 17, 2012 @ 13:55:53
Thank you! It’s been a real roller coaster ride, for sure! But worth it all and then some! Thanks for your continued support! It means so much to me…
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Sep 17, 2012 @ 08:25:38
Wow! Yay for you for overcoming this horrible way to begin life. I too was the child of abusive alcoholic parents. They never beat me, but my father beat my mother almost daily and they fought constantly. I too swore I would never be like them and vowed my children would never live in fear. I think I did a great job! My kids kick ass!!!– Two of them are in serious relationships, and their girlfriends have no problem telling me what wonderful caring young men they are. So, from one survivor to another–thriving, growing and overcoming-like it looks like your are doing quite well, is a great way to spend the second half of your life. So glad you have found happiness and don’t use your past as an excuse to fail or hold you back. Good for you! Look forward to reading more of your work.
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Sep 17, 2012 @ 08:40:04
Great job, Julie, on raising 2 wonderful boys! The world could use more of them!! 😉
Thanks for your encouragement and taking the time to connect!
PS Re: your blog title: Your thoughts are deep, but you do not have a shallow mind! 🙂
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Sep 17, 2012 @ 10:22:11
Ha ha! Thanks! I actually raised 3 wonderful boys. The other just hasn’t found the right girl yet–which is fine, he’s only 19. He’s too busy enjoying being on his own in the big world and finding his way. Also a fine young man.
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Sep 16, 2012 @ 17:38:35
You write very brave words here. It is so difficult to face up to truths. The double-edged sword here is that our parenting skills are what we have learned from our parents. When our backs are to the wall we revert to what we ‘know’. If we ‘know’ that the only way to get out of a situation is to yell, that’s what we do.
I am so glad you recognized that you had a problem and sought out help. You are truly wonderful and ‘breaking the cycle’ as they say. Congratulations – I really admire you 🙂
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Sep 16, 2012 @ 18:34:32
Hi Dianne, thank you again for your lovely comments. It wasn’t easy writing those words and putting it ‘out there’. But, I think the power of the shame gets reduced every time we acknowledge it out loud. It helps to have wonderful people like you be supportive and not judgemental!
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Sep 16, 2012 @ 15:29:44
My big wake-up call came when I was demoted at my job! I came out of denial and took my first spiritual growth class, “How People Grow”. Shortly after that I found Celebrate Recovery. I am forever grateful for that wake-up call over 8 years ago and not embarrassed to use it for God’s glory.
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Sep 16, 2012 @ 18:32:37
What a great story, Ardis! I know my pride has gotten in my way too many times…so kudos to you! 😉
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Sep 16, 2012 @ 15:09:53
Today is the 15th anniversary of my wake up call. A friend died in a car wreck and suddenly I knew I needed to get my life right with God. I was so blessed by that incident.
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Sep 16, 2012 @ 18:31:40
Wow…what amazing timing for you to visit my post on this important anniversary! It must be a bittersweet day for you as you mourn the loss of your friend but celebrate your fresh walk with God. Thank you for sharing!
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