Someone asked me recently why I didn’t tell sooner about my abuse. They also asked what kind of abuse I survived. It’s only been in the last few years I developed the courage to reveal I was abused at all. Now, I’m really out there and willing to share that I survived emotional, physical and sexual abuse. So, there you have it. I’ve said it online now. Whew! I still might wonder for a bit if the earth won’t crash and burn. For most of my life, the mere thought of saying it out loud it felt like something catastrophic would happen. It’s taken me years to understand is why it felt that way and to realize these are universal reasons victims keep the silence.
- Fear. I was threatened not to tell. The verbal and non-verbal threats took root in my heart and mind from a very young age. It is an amazing thing that even if we don’t remember actual words, we remember feelings. These feelings get triggered by situations that might only slightly resemble the original situations. It makes us feel crazy because there isn’t a logical reason to feel fear in these situations. But, make no mistake! There is plenty of fear.
- Shame. There is considerable shame involved with molestation and incest. The abuser is somehow successful in transferring what should be their shame to the victim instead. We feel dirty, scarred, tainted and unwanted. Most people are uneasy or repulsed by the topic and it shows. I said too much one particularly difficult day at work and was asked by a co-worker “Aren’t you tired of thinking about that stuff? Can’t you put it all behind you and just be happy?” My answers were ‘yes’ I am tired of thinking about all that stuff, and ‘no’ I can’t just put it behind me and be happy. Apparently she didn’t understand just shoving it down and ‘forgetting’ about it is #1 impossible and #2 a perfect recipe for life-long depression and self-destruction. (Ironically, she is a heavy drinker –and this is one of the very things I feared if I ‘put it all behind me’ without processing it first.)
- Rejection.Exposing the family member who is molesting you carries great risk of rejection. I knew this inherently, which is why it took me so many years to say it out loud to them. When I finally did, the family members most distant from my immediate family believed me, but those closest did not. As a child, it was impossible to tell anyone. I was dependent on my parents for everything and had nowhere to turn. For children, dependence is the most vital piece. The abuser has total control. As adults, we still long for connection and don’t want to be rejected by the rest of the family. It is a cruel dilemma.
Why do I plod onward with recovery and healing? Because I must. I am compelled, driven. It is who I am.
How about you? Is there something about yourself you wish others knew, but are afraid to tell? Or, have you taken the risk already? What was it like?
Sep 08, 2015 @ 13:24:56
Denise – Thank you for your continuing words of strength and support. It never ceases to amaze me just how long this recovery process requires.
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Nov 23, 2013 @ 17:54:53
You’ve hit the nail on the head, Denise, of the deep why. And they (the perpetrators) know it.
In Australia, there was recently revealed a teacher who savaged a girl 8yo on the desk in the classroom. I do not know how she faced school, sat in his classes, how she survived being anywhere him. It is utterly horrific – but she must have felt all the above three reasons, to not tell. Thank God she finally found the guts to capture incidents on her mobile phone. Magnificent.
Rot in hell, I wish.
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Nov 24, 2013 @ 07:02:15
She is a brave little girl, for sure. I hope the teacher never gets to work near children again.
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Nov 20, 2012 @ 18:24:41
“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
― Albert Camus
huge hug Denise 🙂
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Nov 20, 2012 @ 20:31:15
That’s a new one to me, journeyman. Thanks for sharing it, I like it very much!
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Nov 20, 2012 @ 20:41:15
Pleasure ma’am 🙂
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Sep 27, 2012 @ 16:59:37
You are inspiring…courageous and a trailblazer…keep on going! You’ve got a legion of support behind you…and many holding your hand!
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Sep 27, 2012 @ 17:06:28
Wow! What a compliment and such comforting words!
Thank you so much!
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 05:48:31
Truth has a power all of its own. God bless you, xxxC
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Sep 24, 2012 @ 06:31:32
You’re so right! Thanks for visiting and taking the time to comment.
Hugs to you…
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Sep 23, 2012 @ 09:32:40
I commend you for your bravery in speaking out. The great value, I think, in blogging is that the stories we share will resonate with others at one level or another. And if even a few people can read your blog and think, “I’m not alone,” and, “Things can be different,” then you’re making a huge contribution in the world.
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Sep 23, 2012 @ 21:02:09
Yes, it’s so true…the more we speak out, the more we can heal in community. Thanks so much for your encouragement; it’s very appreciated!
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Sep 22, 2012 @ 08:34:50
This goes under the skin. I’m at loss for words.
Big hug
Dina
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Sep 22, 2012 @ 20:14:25
Thank you…hugs are always welcome here! 😉
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Sep 19, 2012 @ 08:21:03
What an insightful and encouraging blog. As a parent of a child who has experienced this, I sometimes still feel guilty after 20+ years. Our story is long & difficult to express concisely. The memories have moved me to greater compassion and empathy, however.
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Sep 19, 2012 @ 08:26:00
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry for the pain and difficulties in your family. It sounds like there has been some healing? May your compassion and empathy continue to grow…you and your child will both benefit from it. Hugs….
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Sep 16, 2012 @ 15:06:46
This post is so very true. Many do not understand the various reasons victims don’t tell. I would add to the shame part that many victims feel responsible. I experienced this. I was 14-16 when my sexual abuse happened and I felt like I should have been able to stop it. I also felt guilty because in some ways I liked the attention because it made me feel special for once in my life. That is really hard to explain and for a long time made me feel like I asked for the abuse or wanted the abuse. Another reason victims don’t tell is concern for the perpetrator. That probably sounds strange, but I really loved the man who did it to me like a father and I didn’t want to see him get in trouble.
I’m impressed with how many followers you have. I have just started on a similar journey of sharing my story with others to provide hope and healing. I spoke publicly about my abuse for several years through my employment. I haven’t been able to do that for a while because of funding changes at my agency and I really needed a venue to inspire – so I started blogging. Glad to see there are others like me!
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Sep 16, 2012 @ 18:29:48
Thank you for those important additions I left out! They are very accurate and as you mentioned, hard to explain to those who have not walked down this path.
Thanks also for visiting and taking the time to leave comments. Your speaking out at work probably touched many lives. I’m glad you’ve decided to blog now. Your voice is so important! I’m glad we can support each other!
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Sep 28, 2012 @ 20:32:56
Wow. Concern for the perpetrator! I so get it, but had never put it into words for myself. Spent years reading about and trying to better honor my abuser, raise his self esteem, and try to make up for the wounds in his childhood.
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Sep 28, 2012 @ 20:39:11
It really is a vicious, convoluted dynamic isn’t it? Those who have not been through it cannot understand the structure and cycle of abuse, but it’s very real. Thanks to you both for sharing.
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Sep 15, 2012 @ 10:27:41
One of the most intolerable crimes, is to leave a permanent scar in a child’s heart. How could a person treat an angel given to the World in this way?
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Sep 15, 2012 @ 14:31:18
Thanks, kc, for visiting and taking the time to comment. You’re right…the abuse of a child does leave a permanent scar.
Your poetry is lovely and I so enjoyed visiting your blog! I look forward to reading more!
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Sep 13, 2012 @ 13:19:11
First of all, thank you for stopping by and “liking” my blog.
Your topic here is certainly a current problem in so many lives. I was not abused in the normal sense, but there were things in my childhood which have greatly affected my adult life. I have dealt with these issues at the cross and have moved on. I think it is great that you have been able to share your experience with your readers. There is healing in sharing, whether with an online community or one-on-one with a trusted friend. God bless you.
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Sep 13, 2012 @ 13:45:03
Hi Diane, You’re welcome! I enjoyed your site!
Unfortunately…you’re right…abuse is all too commonplace. How wonderful you have been able to put to rest those difficult issues from your past! I am happy for you 🙂
There has been considerable healing for me in sharing my story. I am doubly blessed to know it is helping others, too.
Thank you for taking the time to come visit and to share your wise words.
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Sep 13, 2012 @ 10:04:30
You are a courageous woman for stepping up, speaking out. My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how many people you have just touched with this post. So, not only are you brave, but you’re a hero too.
Take care.
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Sep 13, 2012 @ 10:20:01
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and generous comments!
My prayer is that by voicing my pain others receive hope of coming through their own pain, too.
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Sep 13, 2012 @ 08:58:14
Thank you for courage, I have been silent too – still ashamed to speak about certain things. (for me it was not abuse but other things that still have a control over me) It is comforting to know that I am not alone. God bless
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Sep 13, 2012 @ 09:33:38
It’s true…you are not alone, although I know it often feels that way. This online community has been such a blessing for me. I hope you are blessed, too.
Your shame just took a hit by you writing that comment!! It is a very real way of speaking up. It’s those little steps that lead to bigger ones so that you can eventually get free of the control your past has over you. You are stronger than you know.
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Sep 13, 2012 @ 16:20:09
As I just read your post I heard “thump” as I cast a stone and knocked down one of my giants – my Goliath. Shame is one of them. I have been reading Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado and I have been knocking down my giants one by one. Yes, I too have been blessed. I know with all my heart that God guided me to this blogging community to help restore and heal me. You are an inspiration and an encourager!
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Sep 13, 2012 @ 03:52:44
I hope to some extent you found saying it online cathartic. Thanks for this glimpse into your life and for sharing your healing journey. It’s important.
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Sep 13, 2012 @ 09:27:17
It was freeing in another way to say it online! Yikes!
Thanks for taking the time to comment and for your encouragement.
BTW I love your blog -your humor and photos are awesome!
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Sep 13, 2012 @ 02:14:04
I have already shared that I was extremely abused for the first 22 years of my life. My life changed completely when I became a Christian, but I still had a number of “hang-ups” and was unable to ‘small talk’ because I had never had a friend before and had never learned social behaviour. Although I knew I was a cherished child of the living God, I had no self esteem. Some of the hang-ups carried into my marriage and the nightmares continued, when I would wake screaming because a giant hairy spider was comning down on my face. My husband said I had goosebumps the size of pumpkins.
Thankfully, after one early morning spent with the Lord, when He took me through all that abuse, I faced it all and came to terms with it. From then on, I was able to talk about it – in detail – and all the horrors and the nightmares were gone, never to return.
I feel no bitterness about my early life now. In fact, I am thankful for everything that happened, because it made me who I am and gave me a ministry to others who have been/are going through similar trials.
We serve an amazing God who wants the very, very best for His own blood-bought, adopted children.
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Sep 13, 2012 @ 09:21:20
Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
Facing it head on is so hard, but also very healing. I’m so glad you have found healing and peace! God does amazing things when we let him! Great reminder!
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Sep 13, 2012 @ 19:30:52
What a beautiful story you have…I’m amazed at the miracle of your healing.
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Sep 13, 2012 @ 21:30:50
Thank you…Healing has come only through stepping into and through the fire. God was with me as I went through it, I think he carried me much of the time.
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Sep 12, 2012 @ 20:08:49
Denise, you are not only a brave woman but you are a warrior for others, too. When I read your story, it makes me so sad to think YOU carried the shame that didn’t belong to you. You were a child… Children are never responsible.
You’re preaching my story here – so close it’s spooky. This post will help set others free. Keep going…and please keep sharing!
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Sep 12, 2012 @ 21:39:12
Thank you so much for encouraging me. It means everything to hear that from you. It would be so wonderful to help others find freedom, too.
Your blog is very inspiring, too. I feel blessed we found each other!
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Sep 12, 2012 @ 19:27:05
I must say you are a very brave woman and I so admire you for that. Family is the worst for believing/refusing to believe in these situations and it can be such a struggle to – not only go through life feeling like this – but constantly have to defend yourself against sour disbelievers!
I know your post will help others who are still too frightened to talk and this is a wonderful gift you’re are giving them 🙂
*hugs* to you
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Sep 12, 2012 @ 19:45:37
Thank you, Dianne, for taking the time to share your thoughts and for your kind words. It is my hope that others will be encouraged to speak up, too.
Loving the hugs!!
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Sep 12, 2012 @ 19:22:47
Hi Denise,
First thank you for your kind words of support. It almost leaves you feeling like the floor has dropped from below you.
Your blog, yes so much for points two and three. It’s still difficult to verbalize because your mind wants to create excuses or reasons. I’m glad for you.
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Sep 12, 2012 @ 19:43:58
Hi Tia, Perhaps your floor will stay at a different level than it used to, but I have a hunch you’ll be stronger there than you think.
You’re right, it is hard to verbalize abuse…I don’t think the effects of rejection or shame will ever totally be gone. It really goes deep.
Hugs to you ….
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Sep 12, 2012 @ 15:10:59
Thank you for this Denise:)
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Sep 12, 2012 @ 16:31:18
You’re welcome! 😉
Thanks for visiting!
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Sep 12, 2012 @ 14:06:07
Thanks for sharing.
We share some similar history.
If we don’t speak up – others will reman trapped.
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Sep 12, 2012 @ 14:34:15
So true, Deborah…It is empowering to know others understand.
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