We plodded on together, day after day becoming year after year. It seemed despair and I would never part ways. I wondered why God didn’t just wave a wand and fix me. Depression took a significant toll on me and my relationships, but my therapist repeatedly assured me things would get better if I continued to do the work. Eventually I dared to believe her, even when it didn’t seem possible she could be right.
But what we call our despair is often only the painful eagerness of unfed hope. -George EliotWhen I started to hope, that hurt, too. If despair was a dull, constant ache; hope was a gut-wrenching stabbing pain. I slowly began to understand the stark contrast between what I needed as a child and what I got created this level of destruction. Determination to stop the cycle of anger and dysfunction to leave a better legacy for my own kids compelled me to keep going. In the beginning I only did the work because of them. I didn’t feel worthy of doing it for myself.
Life begins on the other side of despair. -Jean-Paul SartreGradually, I began to change. My anger subsided, existing relationships improved, and life became enjoyable once more. New, healthy relationships are evolving in my life and I am becoming free of my past. Joy has shown her face again and I am embracing her with gratitude. My kids will have a new legacy, and I found out I was worth the work, too. God’s wand didn’t work the way I wanted it to, but His way brought me closer to Him and to others. Once again, His way was best after all.
“When a man is in despair, it means that he still believes in something.” -Dmitri Shostakovich How about you? Have you experienced despair? Do you dare hope for something better?
Sep 28, 2012 @ 20:36:05
I’m listening to you, Denise, and to all the wise comments your blog stimulates. Keep talking.
LikeLike
Sep 28, 2012 @ 21:28:55
Wow! That is such a compliment! (I’ve never been accused of being short on words! 😉 )
LikeLike
Sep 10, 2012 @ 16:24:17
How wonderful that you’ve ultimately done this work for yourself, pushing through the despair that past pain brings and rising triumphant.
I love this line:
“God’s wand didn’t work the way I wanted it to, but His way brought me closer to Him and to others.” Indeed, isn’t that the final goal, and the thing which changes everything? A living, breathing relationship with the One who made us.
Great post!
LikeLike
Sep 10, 2012 @ 21:57:39
Thank you…I didn’t realize it in the thick of things, but you’re right -the end goal is a closer relationship to He who loves us unconditionally. At the time, I just wanted my pain to go away!
LikeLike
Sep 09, 2012 @ 17:35:04
Those quotes are wonderful and you’re very brave to work your way through this. Well done 🙂
LikeLike
Sep 09, 2012 @ 22:04:17
There are some wonderfully wise people out there to quote! 🙂 Glad you enjoyed them.
Thank you for your encouragement, you are very thoughtful!
LikeLike
Sep 09, 2012 @ 12:49:01
I love this post.
The truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made
is a truth that has been a hard fight to remember;
but doing the work has been well worth the effort.
Great quotes!
I’d like to post this to my blog when I get my laptop back.
If you don’t mind that is.
LikeLike
Sep 09, 2012 @ 22:01:25
Thanks, Deborah! I’m so glad to hear you are reaping the rewards of your hard work, too!
Yes, that would be great if you want to repost to your blog!
Thanks!
LikeLike
Sep 09, 2012 @ 05:43:39
It is like you went into my soul…wow – Blessings – Patty
LikeLike
Sep 09, 2012 @ 21:59:01
Thanks, Patty, for taking the time to let me know.
LikeLike
Sep 08, 2012 @ 22:53:20
Beautifully written…:)
LikeLike
Sep 08, 2012 @ 23:17:27
Thank you! Thanks for your support and encouragement, too!
LikeLike
Sep 08, 2012 @ 16:59:40
Beautiful! I love how you laced in those great quotes with your story.
LikeLike
Sep 08, 2012 @ 12:28:16
It’s a work in progress, but the very fact you recognize the difference between ‘what was’ and ‘what is’ or ‘what will be’ is a huge step in recovery. Too many people cling to the ‘what was’ and rarely make a full recovery. 🙂
LikeLike
Sep 08, 2012 @ 16:41:51
Thank you!…..it’s been a very long road to learn the difference! I still have much to learn, but am more comfortable admitting it now!
LikeLike