Recently I ran across this picture of me with Darth Vader in Victoria, BC.
I admired his chutzpah; the courage to put on the costume, play his music on the street corner and entertain people while doing something he enjoyed! I still admire him, but now the picture reminds me of wearing masks. Not just for street vendors or Halloween, but also emotional masks and what we can accomplish (or cover) when we wear them.
For years I’ve fantasized about being a Seattle sports mascot like the Mariner Moose or (back in the day) Sonic Squatch. I know I could have so much fun dancing around the stadium, high fiving the kids, blasting T-shirts into the crowd and generally being a lunatic! All that craziness behind the mask and everyone would smile with approval and laugh with me! But, take off the costume and suddenly those same people would look at me with raised eyebrows and maybe even consider calling security due to my odd behavior! The funny thing is, I often have that much enthusiasm, but I rarely let it show for fear of being ridiculed. Oh, to be able to say “Damn the naysayers!” and have the carefree attitude of the very young or the very old and just do it anyway!
Likewise, I’ve fantasized for years about being able to be real emotionally. When someone is hurting, I automatically want to hug them. When somebody is grieving, my tears are swift to come. When I’m hurting or grieving I want a hug and someone to cry with me. But, growing up, I was treated as if it was a weakness to have emotions. Of course this was a convenient way for my dad to cover the abuse. If I wasn’t allowed to be sad, then his chances went down for being found out. This life-long message that emotions were bad taught me it was better to have a mask on my face than a heart on my sleeve. It also taught me to hold back my natural compassion.
Through considerable work and processing, I’ve relearned that it’s okay to have feelings. It’s actually a good thing! Predictably, I did the radical swing from being shut down to wanting to talk about emotions with everyone. Now I’m discovering the middle ground, the balance of knowing when it’s appropriate to show emotions and whether or not someone is emotionally safe for me.
Unfortunately, I think there will always be times in my life I’ll need to wear my own emotional mask. Because we are all human, our lives occasionally thrown into bedlam with twists and turns, we are all susceptible to defaulting to the mask. It’s quick and safe to go there. Sometimes it’s actually the best choice. But, it is an ongoing challenge to determine when that’s true.
So, for now, I continue to learn how to decide when it’s okay to take off the mask. I also remain in admiration of those brave enough to do the zany thing –despite what society says! Stay tuned for the day I toss societal rules aside and listen to my not-quite-muted, wacky self!
How about you? Do you wear a mask? Why or why not?
Jan 08, 2013 @ 22:16:15
That picture of you with Darth Vader is beautiful!
I don’t know what to do about the mask thing. I feel much safer wearing a mask. I can “pass for normal” when I’m wearing the mask. But it feels lonely sometimes, so I let the mask down and then…. I feel ashamed and crazy and stupid, like I’ve made a fool of myself, and regret ever letting down the mask.
I feel that way about the long revealing comments I’ve left on your blog. Like I’m saying way too much, way too fast, and I wish I could go back and delete some of my comments, or at least rewrite and crop them way down. I’m sorry I’m such a mess. But I’m working on it.
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Jan 09, 2013 @ 05:29:01
I feel the same way about my own mask. Sometimes I am grateful for it, and other times I wish I could throw it in the ocean -never to be seen again.
I’m slowly coming to the realization that it’s one of those ‘grey zone’ things, that it isn’t all bad or all good. Sometimes it’s necessary. Not everyone is safe to be completely real with.
I love that you are being real -that is the most beautiful quality I see in a person -and…that you are working on it.
Nothing to apologize for, Lynda!
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Jan 09, 2013 @ 14:44:15
Thank you for being so understanding! I seem to be having a bad reaction to an antidepressant that my doctor prescribed for me. It’s making it really hard for me to think straight… so, back to the doctor I will go. 😦
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 08:11:37
I needed this post. Thank you. Waking up from a 22 year emotionally abusive marriage. I have a difficult time getting in touch with my feelings. If I have a disagreement with anyone close to me I hear his voices in my head. For years he would “shout /whisper” in my ear that I was worthless, had nothing positive to offer our children, life, etc., he would tell me I was too damaged to be loved etc. It’s odd…even though I allowed him to have everything, our home, money, furnishings…I still find my self feeling sorry for him. He is so conflicted. I at least am capable of feeling pure happiness and love. These two feelings are somewhat impossible for him.
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Sep 25, 2012 @ 08:27:29
Wow…you have been through a lot as well. I’m so glad you found this post to be helpful.
Those whispered lies do live on in our heads for far too long; good for you to continue replacing them with the truth that you are worthwhile.
You are a compassionate and caring person, and I am grateful you took the time to share some of your story here.
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Sep 20, 2012 @ 09:14:25
Love this! Yes, I no longer have a mask in my possession anymore. Now, I’m ok with being me. I understand that I am “weird” to some, but that’s just me and I’m ok with that. I pray that you would have such joy in the real you and that you someday will be able to eliminate the mask. Just the fact that you posted this tells us that you are real, transparent and that is just lovely!
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Sep 20, 2012 @ 09:18:10
That’s enviable!! 😉 I still keep my mask in my back pocket…just in case!
But, yes, for the most part I am transparent! I continue to work on being that way in all situations.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment!
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Sep 20, 2012 @ 09:59:55
My pleasure!
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Sep 12, 2012 @ 06:09:54
Thanks for visiting my blog! I’m an open book. No masks for me. This can be good or bad actually……
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Sep 12, 2012 @ 06:17:22
😉 I’m sure it is a mixed bag alright!
Thanks for visiting here, too. I really enjoyed your post about 9/11.
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Sep 12, 2012 @ 09:51:11
Thanks so much. Tough day for all in emergency services.
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Sep 09, 2012 @ 13:02:31
My compassion has always been conveniantly hidden behind “Oh just suck it up!” Until recently. I’m still not always really comfortable showing it… but I am getting better at it. Forward. Backward. Forward..Foward.
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Sep 09, 2012 @ 22:09:22
Being vulnerable is risky! I can really relate to that!
(and I can relate to 3 steps forward, 1 back. sigh.)
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Sep 04, 2012 @ 16:50:09
Darth should figure out a way to have his bow look like a light sabre!
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Sep 04, 2012 @ 18:46:52
You are full of good ideas!
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Sep 03, 2012 @ 17:58:39
Recently, I have been able to come to grips with the fact I do not have a poker face! I have always known it but I believed I could hide my emotions behind a mask. I was either happy or mad. I think I was mostly mad, I refused to feel the feelings behind my anger. From a young age I was taught not to be afraid..my grandfather was a Funeral Director..I remember being terrified of the dead. I would imagine they would wake up and chase me, just like on Skooby Doo. My grandfather insisted you only have to fear the living. His living space was separated from the sanctuary by his office. He insisted I view this little girl who he had prepared for her funeral, so I could see I had nothing to fear. I was terrified. He drug me down the isle and made me look at her in her coffin. I looked- she appeared to be sleeping. As soon as he let go of my arm I ran away. To this day I do not view people in their coffins.
My dad handles his emotions in one of two ways – angry or happy. My son is a Senior this year and we were viewing his Senior Pictures on Friday. Someone had parked in the handicapped parking space. My dad was parked one space over. It did not seem to be a big deal. He yelled at the lady who was parking and then he proceeded to come in and complain while we were looking at my son’s Senior pictures. I have grown up enough to say, “Can we stay on task?” And my dad did so we finished the picture selections and then we had a great time at lunch. That never would have happened a few years ago I would have hidden behind my mask of anger, and it would have ruined the weekend.
I am learning to be more emotionally connected. I am less lonely now that I am learning to break down the walls I have built “to protect myself”, I am less isolated and it feels good!
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Sep 03, 2012 @ 18:06:36
The coffin experience sounds terrifying! No child should be forced to do that; it’s no wonder you don’t do viewings at funerals.
I’m so glad you have reached a new level of communication with your dad. Sounds like it’s made things better for you both!
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Sep 02, 2012 @ 13:17:53
I masked my feelings for years–stuffing them and pretending to be what I thought I was supposed to be–not knowing any better. I don’t think I wear a mask any more, although it can crop up on occasion. It can be pretty lonely being so vulnerable—so out there. That’s where the name for my blog ‘making me bold’ came from. I’m learning how to be myself and not let others dictate how I act. It takes courage and belief in what God tells us and not Satan’s lies. Keep up the good work on your blog. You are taking risks that will harvest a fruit of righteousness.
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Sep 02, 2012 @ 19:13:35
It is lonely being ‘real’ and vulnerable! I’m glad you are working on being bold and keeping your courage! Thanks for your support, Ardis! 🙂
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Aug 31, 2012 @ 18:47:37
Great post, Denise. The analogy is so true and we do mask our authentic selves at times, usually to protect ourselves.
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Aug 31, 2012 @ 18:55:57
Hi CC! Thanks for visiting! Isn’t it amazing how quickly we can whisk those masks on?
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Aug 31, 2012 @ 14:58:48
Hi Denise – this is a fantastic post. I love the analogy and I’m sure so many people agree that this is what we do sometimes to mask our true feelings. Keep up the great work 🙂 Big *hugs* to you!
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Aug 31, 2012 @ 18:05:49
Thanks for visiting and for your support, Dianne!
Hugs are always welcome, too! 😉
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Aug 31, 2012 @ 10:18:48
Hi Denise, I thought I’d stop by to thank you for visiting my blog. This is a such a poignant post. I come from a dysfunctional family as well, so your experiences really hit home for me.
One of the reasons I started writing was to escape it all. Now I write because my characters won’t leave me alone. 🙂
So glad we connected via Susie’s Wild Ride. I have a feeling I’ll be learning a lot from you.
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Sep 02, 2012 @ 22:21:24
Hi Kate, I was really happy to find your blog thru Susie, too! I enjoy your writing -especially your Sunday Spins – and look forward to reading more of what you have to share.
I noticed on your bio that you are a NaNo writer, too! I am looking forward to November; this will be my 3rd time!
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Aug 31, 2012 @ 09:19:52
I don’t wear any masks! I’m as real as a person gets! In a way that can be bad too, since in some circumstances it would have been better to be insulted and just said, “Oh. Is that what they said,” and then gone home and cried.
It must have been hard to overcome the abuse and let your guard down.
Thanks for coming by the party!
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Aug 31, 2012 @ 12:47:18
What? No mask? You are my hero of the day!! 🙂
Thanks for visiting! I loved your blog!
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Aug 31, 2012 @ 14:56:55
Thanks so much! I am glad that you found it!
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Aug 30, 2012 @ 13:47:39
Hi! Thank you, I’m glad I stopped by, too! It seems we were meant to find each other… to have someone who speaks the language and doesn’t require a mask! I’m rooting for you on your journey, as well!
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Aug 30, 2012 @ 12:35:55
I’m so glad you stopped by my blog today because now I get to follow yours! I can already tell we’re kindred spirits by reading tthis first one about wearing masks. I’m looking forward to reading through your posts. Best wishes on your continued journey. 🙂
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