It’s been 12 years since we’ve seen each other and she’ll be here next week.  My heart and mind don’t know what to do with this.

She’s hotly denied anything happened to me and I’ve resolutely enforced my estrangement to protect myself.

Then, a few months ago, God prompted me to write and tell her that unlike my letter to dad a few years ago, I needed to tell her I haven’t forgiven her.  I argued with God “What?! Wow! That’s brilliant!” (FYI…sometimes I know a lot more than God.)  But, as He often does, He persisted.  I finally relented and sent the letter, essentially saying “I’m trying to forgive you, but I don’t yet.”  Three long weeks later, she wrote back saying she didn’t have time to respond because she was too busy.

That went over like a lead balloon.  I was angry, angry, angry.  I was hurt, too, but it was far safer and more satisfying to be angry.  After I indulged in a few weeks of tantrums, I wrote again and sarcastically said “Thanks for not responding because at least now I can finally let go of hoping you will ever believe me.”

A Surprising Turn……

I was surprised when a reply showed up less than a week later.  But what really surprised me was the tone of the letter.  There was a hint of believing me and a hint of ownership; despite my head warning my heart “Don’t do it!” I just couldn’t help myself.  Hope rose once again.  I tried to stomp it down and not be vulnerable, but my heart had a mind of its own.  She suggested we sit down and talk face to face.  Well, during our last call in December 2010 she told me I was ‘sick’ when I tried telling her the truth.  The idea of hearing that in person did not appeal to me.  But, then there was that new tone beckoning me.

The New Mom……

Calling seemed the best way to see how safe she seemed.  She was a different person.  She asked me questions, hard questions, without being accusatory.  I wasn’t expecting that.  She’s never asked me questions before.  We talked for a long time and she continued to surprise me by connecting some dots.  It was obvious this was hard on her.  Then she asked if we could see each other.  This was the opportunity I’d been waiting years for.  Through tears, I agreed.

The Old Mom……

The next call was to iron out the logistics of her trip -she wanted to travel here.  During this call, the old mom resurfaced.  In addition to other hurtful comments, she complained about using half of her 96,000 miles and how she wanted to save them for a vacation to Mexico.  As a mom myself, I simply cannot understand.  If ever in her shoes, I would gladly spend every mile or dollar I had to have a second chance with either of my kids.  I felt unimportant and the old feelings of being a burden began creeping in.

The Confused Daughter……

So, here I am…struggling with the possible merger of the old mom with a new mom.  Mixed feelings of hope, resentment and yearning for a mom collide in my heart and head.

It was easier being able to say “Mom doesn’t believe me so we don’t see each other.”  Now, what if she does believe me?  I’ll have more work to do, more feelings to feel.  The door will be wide open to forgive.  Will I enter or will I hold back?  A good friend gave me a saying recently “I want mercy for me and justice for you.”  I fear that’s where I am right now; a place I neither like nor want but like a caterpillar must struggle my way out of.

What do you think?  How can I reconcile the discrepancy -having to accept the old mom while possibly gaining a new mom? 

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