It’s been 12 years since we’ve seen each other and she’ll be here next week. My heart and mind don’t know what to do with this.
She’s hotly denied anything happened to me and I’ve resolutely enforced my estrangement to protect myself.
Then, a few months ago, God prompted me to write and tell her that unlike my letter to dad a few years ago, I needed to tell her I haven’t forgiven her. I argued with God “What?! Wow! That’s brilliant!” (FYI…sometimes I know a lot more than God.) But, as He often does, He persisted. I finally relented and sent the letter, essentially saying “I’m trying to forgive you, but I don’t yet.” Three long weeks later, she wrote back saying she didn’t have time to respond because she was too busy.
That went over like a lead balloon. I was angry, angry, angry. I was hurt, too, but it was far safer and more satisfying to be angry. After I indulged in a few weeks of tantrums, I wrote again and sarcastically said “Thanks for not responding because at least now I can finally let go of hoping you will ever believe me.”
A Surprising Turn……
I was surprised when a reply showed up less than a week later. But what really surprised me was the tone of the letter. There was a hint of believing me and a hint of ownership; despite my head warning my heart “Don’t do it!” I just couldn’t help myself. Hope rose once again. I tried to stomp it down and not be vulnerable, but my heart had a mind of its own. She suggested we sit down and talk face to face. Well, during our last call in December 2010 she told me I was ‘sick’ when I tried telling her the truth. The idea of hearing that in person did not appeal to me. But, then there was that new tone beckoning me.
The New Mom……
Calling seemed the best way to see how safe she seemed. She was a different person. She asked me questions, hard questions, without being accusatory. I wasn’t expecting that. She’s never asked me questions before. We talked for a long time and she continued to surprise me by connecting some dots. It was obvious this was hard on her. Then she asked if we could see each other. This was the opportunity I’d been waiting years for. Through tears, I agreed.
The Old Mom……
The next call was to iron out the logistics of her trip -she wanted to travel here. During this call, the old mom resurfaced. In addition to other hurtful comments, she complained about using half of her 96,000 miles and how she wanted to save them for a vacation to Mexico. As a mom myself, I simply cannot understand. If ever in her shoes, I would gladly spend every mile or dollar I had to have a second chance with either of my kids. I felt unimportant and the old feelings of being a burden began creeping in.
The Confused Daughter……
So, here I am…struggling with the possible merger of the old mom with a new mom. Mixed feelings of hope, resentment and yearning for a mom collide in my heart and head.
It was easier being able to say “Mom doesn’t believe me so we don’t see each other.” Now, what if she does believe me? I’ll have more work to do, more feelings to feel. The door will be wide open to forgive. Will I enter or will I hold back? A good friend gave me a saying recently “I want mercy for me and justice for you.” I fear that’s where I am right now; a place I neither like nor want but like a caterpillar must struggle my way out of.
What do you think? How can I reconcile the discrepancy -having to accept the old mom while possibly gaining a new mom?
inspired2ignite 
May 29, 2013 @ 14:52:56
Jan 01, 2013 @ 05:08:26
In May 2011 my mother mailed a letter to me that was 62 pages long. I didn’t know about it or read it, because my husband got the mail that day and, knowing my history with her, and because I had already given him permission to read anything that came in the mail from my family of origin, he read part of my mother’s letter, became enraged by what he says was “all the hate and jealousy,” and in his rage and protective love he took that letter to the town dump and tore those 62 pages to bits. And, he didn’t say a word to me about it.
What he had no way of knowing was that my mother had sent copies of her hate-filled letter to my aunt, and my siblings. So a few days later I got an email from my mother’s sister, containing a draft copy of her outraged reply to my mother’s horrible letter. My supportive aunt wanted me to read it over, and then tell her if I had any suggestions of anything she might add or change, before she mailed her reply letter to my mother.
Of course I had no idea at first of what my aunt was talking about, but as I read her email I was able to piece together what must have happened. I told my husband about my aunt’s message, and asked him if my mother had recently sent a letter to me in the mail, and that’s when my loving husband told me what he had done, and why.
From the little that my aunt and my husband have told me, my mother’s insanely long abusive letter was full of twisted half-truths, and at least some outright lies. Although I didn’t read it, I have read other long furioius letters from my mother in the past. Her previous record was 50 big yellow legal-sized pages, filled up with her tiny neat handwriting, telling me off for everything that was ever wrong with me in my entire life, beginning with when I was a tiny child. That letter was incredibly petty and vindictive, making mountains out of ant hills, never once giveing me the benefit of the doubt about anything, always taking the other person’s side on the rare occasion when I had a problem with some other person, and ever assigning the worst possible motives to everything I did, even my benevolent deed. I read that 50-page letter several times before I finally burned it, and I clearly recall there being only one sentence in all those pages that wasn’t a put-down. That singular sentence was: “I know your father loves you.” But it was followed by this sentence: “However, he does not like you.” That letter she sent almost 30 years ago.
More than a year and a half has passed since my mother sent her latest horrible long letter, the one I never got. Even though I did not read that letter, I do want to answer it. But…. 5 days after I found out about that horrible letter from my aunt’s email, my young cousin Elaine, my aunt’s only daughter, drowned. She drowned the day after our last phone call, during part of which we talked about my mother’s horrible letter. And my cousin, who was an RN with a BA in psychology, told me during our last-ever phone conversation that “it would explain everything” if my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
When my cousin drowned the very next day, I just about went insane. My grief has been almost unbearable, until a couple of months ago when I finally began to accept that Elaine is gone… to a far better place than this hard world. Oh, but how I miss her!
As I’m writing this long-winded comment — sorry it’s so long! — it is now New Years Day, 2013. Sometime in this New Year, I want to communicate with my mother, before it is too late and one of us is gone from this earth. But, what do I do? What do I say? How do I do this? I feel like my mother murdered me with her letter. I really do. And that’s not the first time I’ve felt murdered, soul-annihilated, by my mother. Yet…. she is my mother. I remember the good things about her, and I miss having a mother. I love her, and I despise her, both. I want to forgive her, but I honestly don’t know if I ever can. Especially because it is no exaggeration to say that writing several insanely long hate-filled letters to me, and sending copies to my family, is almost minor, compared to the worst abuses that my mother has done to me over the years.
But I really want to take the high road, the Christian road. I believe that my mother is broken in some fundamental way. She’s not right in the head, and she surely can’t help that, can she? Yet the Bible talks about holding people accountable for their sins, speaking the truth, in love and humility and grace. That is my goal, but my emotions are so raw that I don’t know if I can do it.
It’s crazy. This year I will turn 60. My first great-grandchild is due in February. And yet I still feel like a little unloved girl, crying for her mother.
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Jan 01, 2013 @ 06:57:44
Oh dear Lynda…I’m so sorry for this struggle in your life.
It’s not easy knowing what to do in trying to reconcile. I think every child’s ultimate desire is to have a relationship with our parents.
Your inner child is still an unloved girl, crying for her mother. She never got what she needed, and that hurt goes really deep. I’m so sorry for that pain, Lynda.
You are so right about your mom being broken (as we all are), yet you must keep yourself safe as well. It’s a tough thing to balance, and there’s no easy answer.
It took 12 years before we were both ‘ready enough’ for this to happen, because, as you said, emotions were too raw until then.
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Aug 07, 2012 @ 09:34:20
You took a leap of faith for sure!! This will not only inspire your own children, but encourage them to “step out in faith” when the road ahead looks uncertain and scary.
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Jul 22, 2012 @ 20:09:55
As I continue to grow in my recovery- it was strange to me that it was easier to forgive my dad, then my mom. I held my mom to such an unrealistic standard. I felt she should have stood up for herself and for my sister and me. I have been able to forgive her for not being the person I wanted and needed her to be. She is the person she can be. Her life was difficult both of her grandfathers molested her when she was young. Even knowing that has been a comfort-I don’t know how I would have faired under those circustances.
Today, God is working on my fears. I read courage is fears that have said their prayers. I have to ask God for courage daily- sometimes minute by minute. I feel lighter letting the fears and the resentments go.
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Jul 23, 2012 @ 06:41:58
Thanks for the words of someone who has travelled down this path, Lynn. I’m so happy for you to have found a place of peace with both your parents!
Yesterday on the radio I heard a song with the lyrics “Forgiven, so I can forgive.” It was a powerful reminder that my forgiveness is much bigger than any I can extend. Once I can work through my pain and resentment, I truly hope join you in that place of peace, too.
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Jul 21, 2012 @ 12:30:26
Everything you said is so true, Vicky! It will be helpful for me to remember those things. And thanks for your continued prayers!
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Jul 21, 2012 @ 12:15:32
I’ll keep praying for you for this visit, Denise. A lot of times when people change, the old self will still pop up now and then…just like old habits that die hard; plus, parts of her may have changed but other parts may still need working on. Since God had you take the first step in reaching out, He will be there for the entire journey.
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Jul 20, 2012 @ 23:23:58
Ardis…it’s so true -healing only seems to come after pain. I like the verse you shared…very applicable. Thanks for the reminder!
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Jul 20, 2012 @ 22:22:01
It sounds like God is opening up the door for some new healing, but not without walking through more pain along the way. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23
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Jul 20, 2012 @ 13:40:30
Even though you extend the olive branch, that doesn’t mean you have to be vulnerable. Consider what you will and will not accept. And stick to it. You are a strong woman now. Remember that. I do hope things work out.
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Jul 20, 2012 @ 13:51:22
Thanks, Karen. That is good advice – preparing ahead of time will help me respond…and not react. Thank you so much for your kind support.
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Jul 20, 2012 @ 06:10:43
Thank you, Sheri. It’s true…my anger helps me feel justified. Oh, but God does need to work on my spirit……..
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Jul 20, 2012 @ 03:06:17
I will continue to pray for you. Your honesty is so powerful and beautiful. It is so much easier to stay mad then hope.
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