Fear was my initial reaction to being diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Surely I was doomed to be angry, hyper-alert and subject to triggers my whole life. As if what happened to me wasn’t enough to deal with, I now felt helpless, depressed and hopeless about being Diagnosed. Labeled. A.b.n.o.r.m.a.l.
PTSD is a disorder that can result from witnessing or experiencing one or more traumatic events such as violent assault or rape, chronic abuse, a natural disaster, serious vehicular accident and living in a war zone.
Slowly, when I began to understand it was actually treatable, I became more hopeful. It made it easier when I thought of PTSD as a coping mechanism instead of a permanent verdict.
My symptoms were actually present most of my life, but began affecting me more noticeably as an adult. I mainly struggled with anger, panic attacks, triggers and nightmares.
Trauma was haunting me around the clock. For several years, I was chronically exhausted from lack of rest. At night, I would have terrifying nightmares. During the day, I would sometimes experience triggers or flashbacks. My anger was totally out of control. Although I was no longer in danger, I was still living in survival mode. This was a shocking revelation I really wasn’t fully aware of until later, while in treatment. (Think: taking the red pill in “The Matrix“.)
Because of the depth of trauma I had experienced, my recovery was very intense and focused. At one point I began what I call the ‘shedding phase’ of my recovery. This was when I began seeing just how dysfunctional and destructive most of my relationships were. I reluctantly realized in order to move forward in my recovery, I had to change my relationships.
In an agonizing process, I estranged myself from my parents, broke off unhealthy friendships, and changed jobs. Unfortunately, I hurt some people who I truly cared for during this time. They weren’t bad people, but they were bad for me. The dysfunction in my marriage was becoming more evident also, and our relationship was very strained. This was an excruciating time for me; I was very lonely and depressed.
(Now for the hopeful part…)
As much as it hurt, when I moved out of those relationships, I became stronger emotionally. That enabled me to work even harder at processing my outbursts, triggers and nightmares in therapy. The more I processed, the less control the trauma had over me. Inch by inch I clawed my way out of the black hole.
Pushing through the shame and fear of talking about the abuse was hard, but it was also Liberating! Because of treatment, I am reclaiming the lost areas of my life. The freedom, relief and joy I have at escaping the chains of abuse and depression is Unbelievable!
I am developing healthy relationships with my husband and kids. New friendships are in various stages of bloom and I created my own business. Recovery is not easy, but the rewards far outweigh the heartache.
How about you? Do you have a story about PTSD?
Jun 21, 2016 @ 09:57:48
You are a brave person and this post will hope so many people. I admire you and your courage.
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Oct 15, 2016 @ 12:21:04
Thanks Cindy…I so want to help others through my journey. It’s becoming so much easier to tell my story now. People like you who accept and encourage me have been a wonderful blessing.
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Dec 30, 2012 @ 06:04:48
In 2003, a few weeks before I turned 50, my last divorce became final. In sheer desperation, I took my settlement money and, instead of paying cash for a house as I had intended to do, I checked myself in to the New Life Clinic in Richardson, Texas, which was co-founded and run by Paul Meier, MD. Dr. Meier is a Psychiatrist who has authored or co-authored over 80 books, many of which were best sellers. It was his book, Love Is a Choice, which led me to his clinic.
After a full battery of psychological tests, Dr. Meier told me that what I had was severe, chronic PTSD, going all the way back to my early childhood. “PTSD is not a mental illness,” he assured me, “even though it is classified that way for insurance purposes. In reality, PTSD is a normal reaction to overwhelming trauma, just as bleeding is a normal reaction to being stabbed. God did not create us for abuse, hate, neglect, and trauma, He created us for love. But when we don’t get the love we were created for, when we are mistreated instead, PTSD is a normal result.”
Today I am married to my best-friend-husband whom I met a few months after I left the Meier Clinic. My husband also has PTSD, from combat in Vietnam. We put the FUN in dysFUNctional! Together we are working our way to greater healing, through the concepts of what I call CARE: Compassion, Acceptance, Respect, and Encouragement. I’m writing a book about my husband’s and my journey through PTSD. It’s not easy to write, but it’s healing to write, and if it can help someone else, then it will be worth the effort.
I’m glad you’re writing this blog, this is helping me.
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Dec 30, 2012 @ 08:13:23
Wow! You are one smart and determined woman! Not many would be so insightful and willing to invest in their mental health as you were.
I’ve heard only wonderful things about the Meier Clinic. My own therapist has referred to Paul Meier and his books many times over the years. She said the exact same thing about PTSD to me, as well. It helps to know it’s a Response, not an Illness. I’m so happy you made such a huge effort to help yourself – the rewards were huge, and lifelong.
I can’t wait to read your book! I’m sure it will be amazing!
Thanks so much for all your amazing comments and thoughts you’ve shared today!
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Jun 26, 2012 @ 06:11:58
I like that, Laura – “What’s shareable is bearable.” I get rid of some of my past demons by writing about them.
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Jun 20, 2012 @ 08:24:19
What’s shareable is bearable! Thank you for sharing your story. May God continue the healing process in you.
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Jun 20, 2012 @ 11:47:03
Thanks so much for your support and encouragement!!!
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