As alcoholics are prone to do, my parents claimed their drinking was their business. Although they were the only ones getting drunk, their drinking affected me profoundly. Just like millions of other children of alcoholics, I experienced debilitating fear. Children instinctively know they are in danger and must take care of themselves when parents are drunk. This innately creates a level of fear and insecurity. It often also contributes to an environment of ignored abuse, as it did in my case.
I frequently feared for my safety. I worried about mom’s forgotten cigarette causing a fire while I was sleeping. Or the gas lantern getting knocked over in our cabin while dad stumbled around. He insisted on taking me flying, fishing and snowmobiling even when he’d been drinking. I wasn’t strong enough to say no until I was in my teens.
Of course, a huge source of fear also came from being told “Don’t tell, or else” after being abused. I did tell once when I was eight but it didn’t help. Dad had choked me to the brink of passing out. I escaped and ran to get mom at the neighbor’s house, but she made me return home by myself. She didn’t want to miss her weekly bingo night.
As an adult, I subconsciously reacted in opposition to their drinking and my fear of it. I didn’t allow alcohol in my home and I felt anything from mild anxiety to terror if people around me were drinking elsewhere. Not surprisingly, this greatly affected my parenting, marriage and social life. Replacing my identity as a cherished Child of God instead of an abused Child of Alcoholics has taken me many years of talking and grieving.
Understanding I even had reactive behavior was essential before being able to process the root of it. Through God’s grace, I’ve reached considerable healing and resolution, and can even enjoy my own glass of wine now. I finally understand –not just in my head, but in that deep emotional place- I am safe and will not get hurt. This was a long, arduous journey but I am finally free of those shackles. It is an indescribable relief and source of joy!
Please visit my resources page. Among other things, you’ll find a list of common symptoms of Adult Children of Alcoholics and a quiz if you think you or a loved one may have been affected by alcoholic parents.
Has alcohol affected your life? If so, please feel free to share a comment at the top of this post.
inspired2ignite 
Jan 08, 2013 @ 20:48:38
Hi Denise, I clicked on your link for the alcohol resource page and it didn’t go anywhere, so it probably needs updating.
I just finished reading a book called The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment, by Stephanie Donald-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman. It’s a book written by therapists, for therapists, and it’s priced accordingly. But in reading the laudatory reviews before deciding to buy it, I learned that many therapists recommend this book to their clients. I found it to be very easy for the layperson to understand, and extremely enlightening and helpful. So much so, that it’s now one of my top 5 favorites of the many therapy books I’ve read.
In a nutshell, the Pressmans have found that any parent-system which does not validate and meet the children’s legitimate needs for love, safety, validation, affirmation, encouragement, empathy, protection, etc., will ultimately have the same problematic developmental effects on the children, as an alcoholic parenting system has on the ACOAs.
By using the word “narcissist” in the title, the Pressmans explain, they do not mean that one or both of the parents necessarily has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as that is very rare; they say less than 1% of the population has full-blown NPD. Rather, they are talking about a narcissistic parenting “system,” in which the needs and wants of the parents invariably takes precedence over the pressing developmental needs of their children – which is the exact opposite of the way a healthy parent operates. Also, labeling someone’s parenting system as narcissistic isn’t about blaming the parents, as the Pressmans point out – the unhealthy parenting could be caused by a parent’s death, severe physical illness, mental illness, and the like, problems over which the parents have little or no control.
My parents were both severely mentally ill. How I got so unlucky as to have not just one, but two mentally ill parents, I don’t know, but I do know that it’s not uncommon – water seeks its own level, and like is attracted to like. You don’t find too many healthy, sane people wanting to marry someone who is blatantly nuts!
Parental drinking to excess happened sometimes in my childhood, particularly after my mom and dad’s marriage ended when I was 12. But by far the worst traumas and abuses happened during the years when my parents never drank at all. My dad was diagnosed with schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder, and he truly was a nightmare to live with at times. My mother has never, to my knowledge, humbled herself to the point of going to see a therapist, so she has not been diagnosed with a mental illness, as far as I know. But, based on what I’ve read about traumatic family systems and abusive personalities, my layperson’s guess is that my mother has a severe form of Borderline Personality Disorder. She may even be a Sociopath, or possibly a Narcissist, I’m not sure. Her abuses were far more wounding than my dad’s. She did things like try to gas us all to death while we slept in our beds, and then she excused it by saying she had the right to kill us, since she had brought us into the world, and furthermore she believed she would be doing us a favor in taking us out of this cold cruel world.
When extreme trauma and abuse happens to a person during their developmental years, it can over-shadow the rest of one’s life. It’s a lot like trying to build a sky scraper on top of a bad foundation. But I firmly believe there is hope and help for even the most severely damaged among us. The Pressmans’ book about the narcissistic family is a great help for anyone who grew up with one or more “crazy” parents, regardless of whether or not alcohol was involved. In fact, they start off their book talking about how perplexed they used to be, early in their counseling careers, by patients who had all the signs and symptoms of the typical Adult Child of Alcoholics – and yet these clients insisted that their parents never drank, and many were never overtly abusive! Growing up with parents who treat you like you just don’t matter, is abusive enough to the child’s fragile developing ego.
Today, after many years of being miserable and not even knowing what was wrong, I’m so thankful for a loving heavenly Father Who heals the brokenhearted, and Who has led me to a great therapist, great books, and to your terrific healing blog.
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Jan 09, 2013 @ 05:46:41
Thanks for letting me know about the link, Lynda. I will work on fixing that shortly.
The book you mentioned sounds amazing. So much of what is in there I’ve also heard from my therapist.
Your mom sounds extremely disturbed and frightening. I’m impressed your dad went to see a professional. Did he stay in therapy and improve?
The comment about water seeking level ground is so true. I think we also seek what’s familiar, even if it isn’t healthy.
I am also thankful for a loving Father! He has connected me with some incredible people such as yourself. It is empowering and healing to find those who understand. Thank you for sharing yourself.
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Jan 09, 2013 @ 15:16:28
To answer your question about my dad, I do not know if he stayed in therapy or not. I do know that he never did get much better. He was forced into therapy in the first place when he was arrested for violently attacking my mother. My dad’s mental and physical condition at the time of his arrest was so bad, the sheriff decided to take him to a hospital rather than to jail. The emergency room doc sent my dad to the psychiatric ward, and It was there that his schizophrenia and multiple personality disorders were diagnosed. He was in the psych ward for a couple of months, if I remember correctly, then after his discharge from the hospital, he never came back to us — he had gotten involved with the nurse who was the head RN of the psychiatric ward! Can you imagine anything so unethical? With a deeply traumatized wife of 13 years, and 5 children at home? My dad ended up marrying the nurse as soon as my parents’ divorce was final.
It was while their divorce was pending, that my mother tried to gas us all to death. First she went to my dad’s apartment hoping to reconcile with him, only to find the nurse there. She was already deeply depressed and traumatized by my dad’s violent attack on her, and when she found out about his involvment with the nurse, that was what pushed my mother completely over the edge.
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Jan 09, 2013 @ 18:46:49
Wow…that is mind boggling! It is incredible you and your siblings survived all that. Kudos to you for working on sanity!
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Jan 09, 2013 @ 23:19:43
Thank you. I give all the credit to God, who did not let go of me even during my agnostic years. For quite a long time I stopped believing in God. But He kept loving me, anyway.
Denise, it is well with my soul, like the old hymn says. Even though I am struggling, still, with a lot of unresolved issues from my complex PTSD — I keep trying so hard to heal, but it seems I can only do it a little at a time, and I get frustrated sometimes with how long my healing journey is taking, and how far I still have to go. But even so, beneath it all, in my heart of hearts, I know that I am saved through faith by grace, and I know that I am LOVED, and that nothing can ever separate me from God’s love. Because I know these things today, it is well with my soul. I don’t have too many answers in life, but I do know this.
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Jan 10, 2013 @ 05:48:13
I feel the same way, Lynda. It is well with my soul, too, and I am so grateful!
The length of my journey frustrates me sometimes, too. I want to be All Better. Now. Or maybe yesterday. But, I’m so Much Better than I was.
Praise the Lord!
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Oct 07, 2012 @ 14:02:51
Thanks for letting me camp out in your blog for a little while today. I had a great time and tried to leave my campsite as good as when I arrived. I’ll be back!
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Oct 07, 2012 @ 18:39:36
Hi Russel,
Thanks for the visit! You are most welcome back any time!
I enjoyed your blog, too. 😉
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Jun 22, 2012 @ 06:10:51
Lynn, it’s so true about the untreated behaviors…The dysfunction and damage continue even without the alcohol. Thanks for the great reminder about needing interaction with people and God…and to ask for His help.
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Jun 21, 2012 @ 13:46:53
PS: I have learned I can not do it alone. I need interaction with people and God. I have learned to turn my day over each morning and ask for his guidance and the power to carry out his will.
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Jun 21, 2012 @ 12:26:25
Growing up in my family- we were not allowed to have alcolhol in our home. My parents quit drinking when I was about six years old. However, many of the untreated behaviors were still there. Blaming others for anything, rage, the attitude of feeling we were better than other, know what was better for others.
I am now in recovery and for three years I have been unraviling the affect this has had in my life. It caused me to shut off my emotions, act as if I was never wrong or afraid- even if I was terrified. I am a recovering perfectionist- I was so afraid of doing many things- for fear of doing them wrong. I am 46 and now I am learning to do new things- because I have people who can help me learn- I do not have to pretend I know it all- it is now ok to ask for help even though that is still difficult for me. I hardly know what is best for me- I no longer attempt to instruct other on how they should live their lives. I am learning to feel my feelings. I am living not just surviving. I want to thrive- even though that means I have to experience some pain as I grow.
Lynn
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