I found out recently that the adult son of a former co-worker was arrested for involvement in internet child porn.  His mom and I haven’t worked together or seen each other for over 10 years.  We worked well together and always got along, but just never kept in touch.  Yet, when I found out about her son, I felt compelled to re-connect with her.  I wanted to send a note saying “I’m thinking of you and your family.”  That’s it.  No advice, no judgment, no comment.  Just connecting as one person struggling with the curve balls of life to another.

But, no sooner had I decided to write when indecision took hold.  I tried to put myself in her shoes and wondered what she’d think if she got a card from me.  I worried; would a card be intrusive?  Offensive?  Welcome?  Would she be embarrassed by the acknowledgment or would it be comforting?  For over three weeks I have vacillated about what to do.

Last night it finally dawned on me that part of my hesitation was due to my old feelings of being judged, misunderstood and rejected.  A memory slowly came into focus as I struggled with these emotions.  During one Christmas break in college, I mentioned to my sister-in-law that I’d made an effort to stay in touch with friends by writing letters regularly during school. (I’m aging myself by admitting this was pre-cell phone and internet days) Her response was “What makes you think anyone wants to hear from you?”  My mother sat there; her deafening silence confirming to me the truth of what C. said.  Thankfully, her words don’t have the bite they had 30 years ago, but the effect returns now and again, unexpectedly and unwelcome.  I still question whether I am of value or importance to others.

After unsuccessfully working so hard to separate my issues from the situation at hand, I finally realized I was missing the point.  God reminded me that He put the desire in my heart to reach out to someone in their time of pain.  Therefore, I needed to trust Him to use it for His good.  So, the card sitting on my desk will finally go out in today’s mail.  My heart feels lighter, although there remains a flicker of butterflies in my stomach.

How about you?  Do you have a story about questioning your worth?

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